thanks for your support

I found wikivorce a few days ago, I guess, and went into the online chat areas to listen and watch and get some support.

My wife told me a couple days after Thanksgiving (big US family holiday, last thursday in November) while we were in the car on our way to the post office that she wanted to go to a marriage counselor because she was feeling like there were times when she wanted "out" of the marriage.

I found out within days that this meant she was already planning to divorce me.

We've been married 20 years, have 3 kids, oldest in first year of college, youngest has a year and a half to go of high school.

This is (was at that point) totally out of the blue. We've had some tough financial times, but she described it very similarly to stories from others of you that said your spouse "realized" their life wasn't the life they wanted. Somebody commenting on another intro said (a similar story) sounded like a mid-life crises which is exactly what I thought must have happened.

It's like - everything's fine - then BLAM a fuse blows and you have absolutely no control over whats going on (or you feel out of control since it blind-sided you, just turned your world upside down, totally destroyed your visions of your old age together and on and on and on).

We went to marriage counseling 3 times but it was clear (and she said so) that she was going so that we (read: me) could learn from this mistake and grow from it. I was going to counseling trying to save my marriage... I love this woman and we've had so many good times together and have a great family... but it seems like there is absolutely nothing I can do about this emotional break with me she's had. She's escalated to "the sooner we're divorced the better". wow.

So, Christmas sucked, we told the kids a couple days afterwards since they were starting to pick up on the weird vibes I was trying to hide. We had a tearful hour or so at the dining room table with my wife wanting me to break it to them. They were shocked, appear somewhat resigned but supportive of both of us (many of their friends have divorced or remarried parents, so in an odd way maybe they're less emtionally messed up about it than I am).

New Years Sucked (I sat in our basement watching TV all night and finding wikivorce). I could hear my wife talking to friends on the phone upstairs and the way she was laughing, it seemed like nothing had happened.

I have only been in the chat area a couple times, the support room was good for me yesterday. I appreciate those of you who share the stories, it's hard, I know, but... sharing is the point.

We need to do that. There are millions of people out there going through variations of this story at any hour of the day and it helps me to know I'm not the only one grappling with the devestating emotional aspects that keep wanting to take over.

I won't say I'm resigned to divorce, but it does seem inevitable.

"I won't say I'm resigned to divorce, but it does seem inevitable."
It's only over when you get the decree (or whatever you do in the US to divorce.) Don't give up, keep hope alive, and make the changes you need to - you can't change your wife, but changes you put in place can have a knock on effect to your wife's perspective. Keep strong and positive! And well done for finding Wiki

BreakupAngelsKirsten wrote:

"I won't say I'm resigned to divorce, but it does seem inevitable."
It's only over when you get the decree (or whatever you do in the US to divorce.) Don't give up, keep hope alive, and make the changes you need to - you can't change your wife, but changes you put in place can have a knock on effect to your wife's perspective. Keep strong and positive! And well done for finding Wiki

With all due respect I think you are giving false hope.
Take it from one who knows. As painful as it it, when love has gone from one or both sides then it is best to take a deep breath in,and start to rethink your own future.

It appears that Realdad's wife has done just that. He can make all the changes he wants BUT if this woman does not love him nothing will change.

Realdad - I am sorry this has happened to you. Please get "mid life crisis" out of your head. Yes this may be what triggered it but sadly people can and do change. I can give you no other helpful advice - I am a wife that left for probably very similar reasons to your own wife.
However you can realise that you have 3 wonderful children and hd a happy marriage for many years.
I have 2 concerns for you however - how long had she been unhappy before this bombshell- had she tried to talk to you and perhaps you were not receptive? (And you do need to be very honest here).
Secondly, please do not tell me that you told her that you wanted to go into old age together. She is in her 40's - her children have grown up. Believe me the last thing she is going to want to think about is retirement. This is one of the reasons I left my OH. He was all for walks at the weekend and being companionable all the time ( I am 45 my children have grown up). I was NOOOOOO! And then I realised I did not want him as my companion and that was the trouble.

Thanks Luc, yeah, when it's over it's over. I do want to clarify one thing: we got married rather later than most, we're both in early 50's now, couple kids still at home, and she was the one -always- making comments about being together until the end, etc etc. No since hashing it over it now, but up until this happened, it wasn't a case of me reminding her of her mortality.

Also - yes, I know people do grow apart. Sometimes they get married young and haven't lived on their own or have other things happen that make them want or have to get married when they otherwise shouldn't. But in our case, we had both had out own homes, we were both well established professionally, and from all outward appearences, just enough different to be totally complementary to each other, my strengths helping her and vice versa.

Not sure I mentioned it earlier, but she had a friend die who she spent alot of time when in her final days - and there was a noticable difference in her behavior after the friend passed. Very noticable. She was always a home body, now she stayed out all the time (not partying, at the gym or work). Other things at home I noticed changed.

So in being honest with myself, I believe I "heard" her when she voiced things we needed to work on. I "thought" one of the things we both prided ourselves on was our level of communication about problems and issues as they arose.

But maybe there were deeper things that just never got brought out to the surface until this friend's passing which may have fired off some new emotional need or desire she had (or has) to live life a different way, and that without me in it. You may not wanna call it MLC and maybe it wasn't - but that's very similar to stories I hear about men realizing x or y or z aren't working out in their lives the way they want and they basically have some emotional break with their current situation.

Pips - thanks - yeah, as I have always heard and have had recently repeated to me - and I'll restate for those reading this since it seems like an absolute: by the time a partner says to you they want a divorce, they've already made up their mind and are now rationalizing every possible reason why a divorce is the right answer long before you even get a chance to say "but...".

I'd honestly love to hear of stories where the couple worked it out after one party said they wanted a divorce. But those people won't be in this web site, I guess!

It's true realdad - and explains why those leaving are able to move on much more quickly - which also hurts.

By the time they announce the problems, they've already done their own thinking around it and come to terms with the end. Then it just seems to be a matter of communicating it.

Shezi

Pipsqueak1 wrote:

Anyhow, I am sorry you have found yourself here especially as divorce is not what you want as you still love your wife.

I'll admit that as a man, I may tend toward the romantic more than other manly men, but I don't care. I'd rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Still, after 20 years, I had certain expectations at this point, I guess.

So, yes, I still love my wife for the children we have and the life we had.

But...
If we ever did get back together (like the rich and famous), well, it wouldn't be the same I don't think. I dunno really, I have no context into which to see how that would work. Whatever. Probably not worth the time speculating. I have no false illusions. That's certainly not anything I'm considering will happen.

Thanks again pips...