thanks for your support

Pipsqueak1 wrote:

I'm with you on wanting to hear about the success stories.

I have the embarassing claim to the longest running Scottish divorce here much to TKs pleasure ...does that count as success

Realdad,

I know of one couple who worked "it" out...they remained married, separated their assets amicably and fairly, live in separate homes...and get on fantastic!!

E

What I find so abhorrent is that you are living your life happily with husband and family and certainly in my case (and some of my friends) there is a sudden change in attitude, no discussion, no communication. It is as if they have turned a switch off! How do you turn off being a loving parent?So you have had years of getting on well together, being commited to each other , supporting each other, laughing and loving then it's gone! In most (not all) cases from my experience there is someone else in the background. There is just no excuse for treating your own loved ones so badly. However, people who can change into uncaring, selfish characters show their true colours and we are better off without them.
I would never have believed that the kind, loving best friend I had could turn into such a deceitful and manipulative person. Lesson well learned. His loss of home, wife, 3 kids, financial losses to gain a partner who is just like him. Good riddance.
You are right about they have already been planning this and are emotionally detached from you before they leave. They will also often try to lay the blame at your door to justify their actions and will often rewrite your joint history i.e. if they can convince themseles that you are to blame it assuages their guilt. A lot of the rubbish we went through seems absolutely ridiculous in hindsight. One of my crimes was that I leave too many lights on in the house!

It seems to me that the one who suddenly claims they want out has been planning it for quite a while and are therefore far down the road as to appear almost indifferent. They have done their grieving and are ready to move on whilst the other half is left reeling and in terrible confusion.
When love dies in one partner there is nothing left to save, that was my own experience of it; looking into the face of the one i loved and seeing nothing...
Hope you find what you are looking for RD but you can't talk it through when they have moved on already.

All the best, Chris.

Hi realdad,

I am in exactly the same boat. I was apparently the rock, the best friend, etc, etc. Then things changed and then the bham.

As most here have said, your partner has been thinking this through and therefore, as far as emotions go, and thinking goes, you find yourself playing catch up, wondering why, how, what changed! It is the "sudden" emotional detachment that takes the time to fathom and I know that I would love to stop thinking why? Some days are much better than others.

I am not sure that MLC is the right terminology, although I do sympathise with that thought. What really sucks is the lack of opportunity to even try to put things right - perhaps we were going in different Directions - perhaps we do want different things - but the fact that this isn't discussed and you are just told "sorry, you're not the one" hurts.

I would also agree with JackieH in that the amount of b/s thrown, I have been told that the marriage was bad from the start and had countless accusations made against me, does seem to be a way for your ex life partner to pass the blame or guilt.

However, we have to lift ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and then give life another chance to be good to us. Easy to say but hard to do. I find that I am re-evaluating, where I want to live, my job, what the hell to do with my social life, pretty much everything.

There is no getting away from it this is a major knife in the guts.

Not sure that I added much, just quantified that I am another one, like yourself, who is now back out there.

Just wanted to empathise really and say that many of your replies have struck a chord with my situation.

My husband left in October and has consistently blamed me - although by saying he can't give me what I need

Despite my many requests to get help (I am already going to a Counsellor on my own) he has clearly had some time to reconcile himself to what he wants before he decided to leave - and it isn't me.

There is nobody else - he feels that he has been a dad and father for long enough and it's now his turn (his words). To that end he arrived at our fh yesterday to collect his ski clothes as he is off for a holiday on Sunday. No apology for the fact that he is due to have our son the following weekend and I have made plans - as I have to otherwise I go insane with loneliness!

Sorry to make it all about me - guess I needed to let off steam too:)

JackieH and Milby have jointly summed up exactly what happened to me. Add to the mix that when I lost my job for failing to cope with events in my personal life, he stepped into my shoes at work. Think about that one! I had to cope with him being with my colleagues and taking over my role in the dept whilst I got my P45. I lost my income and he went off on his big salary and linked pension into retirement a few months after the split.

It's not happy reading but there is a pattern of behaviour from those walking out of relationships which is unnecessarily callous in my view. End the relationship but dont' tell lies and don't pretend there is no affair! That's pathetic and immature. Honestly, he was behaving like a lovesick teenager except he needed a drawer full of cosmetics and expensive new designer clothes to make him feel younger.

Anyhow, the love of his life failed to leave her husband!

Wish I'd felt this feisty at the time. I just crumbled into a dithering wreck. A confident outgoing career woman who couldn't see him or hear his voice without shaking - literally!

Affairs wreck lives and I for one will never get over it.

jackie - definitely "emotionally detached" - it's so incredibly weird.

as chris said

It seems to me that the one who suddenly claims they want out has been planning it for quite a while and are therefore far down the road as to appear almost indifferent.

how true: i even commented to her I thought she was acting like nothing was happening except she was enjoying going out more while the kids and i are left standing there scratching our heads.

milby said

does seem to be a way for your ex life partner to pass the blame or guilt.

definitely.

you also said...

we have to lift ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and then give life another chance to be good to us. Easy to say but hard to do. I find that I am re-evaluating, where I want to live, my job, what the hell to do with my social life, pretty much everything.

There is no getting away from it this is a major knife in the guts.

Not sure that I added much, just quantified that I am another one, like yourself, who is now back out there.

thanks. it does help to know others have been through the same...weirdness... I occillate between coming to grips with it and still feeing shell shocked. we had our first financial type meeting yesterday. it was the first time since she "announced" & I started pushing back a little, uncomfortably. It's not something you feel comfortable doing with somebody that has supported you for years. it's foreign territory for me.

crol said

he has clearly had some time to reconcile himself to what he wants before he decided to leave - and it isn't me.

same story here...

otherwise I go insane with loneliness

..trust me, i understand. so far wiki is my "getting out". thank god for the chat room where i can both cry and laugh at the same time. i gotta get more out but i just don't have "fun" at the moment. i need to find some local wiki-type peeps to let my hair down with.

mitchum said

I just crumbled into a dithering wreck. A confident outgoing career woman who couldn't see him or hear his voice without shaking - literally!

esp. stepping into your job. double crap! while a totally different thing happened (is happening) to me, i'm having to do a career change, job hunt, no money, feeling like a useless sack some days - when in the past i used to have real money coming in, people working for me, with me, etc.

i just read something elle wrote about woulda, coulda, shoulda... at a pity party...
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...ty-v-Pity-party.html
...that rang true.

looking back over replies to my initial post on this, thanks shezi, kirsten & elle for the comments.