newbie with a question

hello to all my name is michael 34 from essex
i am after some advise as i am thinking about leaving my wife of 8 years and getting a divorce,she just doesn't seem to love me any more it has been like this for the last 2-3 years,we have 2 children 7 and 3 they are starting to pick up that things aint right i have tried to sort things out but it seem we have drifted apart and there is no way of getting back to how it once was.we have a joint mortgage and the question i have is i can't see any way of leaving if i still have to pay the mortgage & bills and the £320 to the csa??. i have heard that the social services may take over the mortgage and i would have to contribute to it? but can't find anything on the net about it.my mortgage is £700pm csa is £320 and i earn £1400 per month so its very tight

Hi micky. I think thats wrong. The state wont pick up the tab for a loan that you owe. If it was a council house then she may be able to get help with the rent. Mortgage is just a loan remember.

Divorce is utter hell. Are you sure this cant be fixed? Have you suggested relate? What does your wife say?

If you want to spend the next 3 - 5 years in a bedsit and see yr kids maybe once a month then go ahead. Growing apart happens a lot. But its fixable. You realy dont want to go the divorce route unless you have to. C.

could she claim any benefits for the mortgage?
as for making it work this has been the same for 2-3 years and as for talking about it she doesn't want to listen she has no time for me,
is there anything i can do on my own to find out what i can do to live and pay her

She may not be listening now, but she might if she knows you are contemplating divorce.

You will have to let her know sooner or later so the sooner you have a conversation the better. She might agree to go to counselling with you which would certainly be cheaper than getting a divorce.

If you do divorce one option would be to sell the house and split the proceeds, allowing your wife to downsize too.

If she is a single adult, she will be eligible for a council tax rebate and if she works she can get working tax credit and child tax credit too, depending on how many hours she works and her salary.

Hey micky,

I agree with the others that the Divorce route will be hell and that if you have something in the relationship then try to focus energy on that rather than the D-alternative.

Whilst I am no psychologist what really struck me by your post was the date that the problems started versus the age of your youngest. Coincidence or did things get tougher, etc, etc..

My recommendation get some joint counselling, perhaps read some books, if needs be make an "appointment" to talk (and listen) each evening with your wife for 30 mins/1 hour - agreed difficult with the kids but I guess they sleep.

Wishing you well.

Hi Michael
Please think really carefully before separating. I really thought I would be ok as I had known my marriage was failing for a few years too.

My husband finally left in October and I am devastated. If I could turn the clock back and give it one more try - probably with a Counsellor's help I would.

Financially the CSA work on a strict percentage of your net income (I believe this to be 2o% for 2 children). They will not help with the mortgage. As others have said, your wife would get help either through Working Tax Credit or income support if she doesn't work but it will not be easy for either of you

Good luck

I agree with what others write: think twice, no two hundred times before you pull the plug. Marriage feels like running a marathon at times, but it has so many positives which you only realize when you haven't got each other anymore.

Seems like you two need something to bring the spark back. Maybe time to do something grand and wild; then again small romantic touches may do just as much.

The very best of luck, and hang in there! Things do get better.