Where do I begin??

I am in the process of seperating with my wife, to whom I have been married for 18 months. We have one-year-old daughter who nmeans the world to us both, and it is already becoming very strained.

I am due to see a solicitor regarding access to my daughter, but I wanted to know if it would be wise for me to begin divorce procedings at the same time. I really miss my daughter and I don't feel that I am being given a fair crack of the whip at bringing her up.

Some people have said that I should wait until my wife files for divorce - others have said that I should do it now, as we've only been together a short time.

Someone please help.

Hi boyle

Welcome to Wiki

If you have both have decided to divorce it makes little difference who petitions who as the divorce process does not worry about right or wrong.

The advantage of being the one who petitions is that you can drive the pace of the divorce, and in your case since the divorce will need to include consideration of all matters regarding your daughter, it may well be in your interests to Petition and get the process going rather than being in limbo.

Divorce can be an unpleasant process so make sure your marriage is definitely over before starting the divorce.

All the best

S

There are two ways you can do this, by agreement or a fight in court, if you can both agree all matters it can be relatively painless, if it turns in to a full blown fight through court for finances and access it will take forever become very bitter and in the end you will both be many many thousand`s of pounds worse off, all money that could have been shared.

There are three issues to deal with,

The actual divorce

Agreeing the financial division of assets and any maintenance

Contact with your daughter

The divorce itself is just a few forms to complete, the only potential hiccup is form D8a statement of arrangements for children, this is a short and easy to complete form that lets the judge who will decide if the divorce is to be granted where the child will live and a few other details like the child's health where she goes to school ect, this is not a binding contract but it does need to be agreed or court will not allow the divorce to proceed,

If you both agree to the divorce and the division of assets it can all be done for less than a thousand pounds including the £380 court fee`s,

Probably the best way to start agreeing the money side is for both of you to talk to a mediator, they are trained to help people resolve problems and help them both to reach a fair settlement that works for both as best as it can,

If you cannot agree the finances all is not lost the court process is aimed to help you both agree, there are three potential hears FDA, FDR, and if it comes to it a final hearing but be warned if you both end up at a final Ancillary Relief hearing you will probably have spent thousands by then and the final hearing alone with a barrister can cost 6-10k for a two day hearing, if you both still can`t agree at the end of the FH the judge will impose a settlement like it or not,

Child contact can be very emotional to resolve especially if both parents are arguing over money and other issues, if at all possible keep the issue of contact separate from the others, if you both start with the aim of doing what is best for your daughter you won`t go far wrong,

If agreement cannot be made it will end in court with an agency called CAFCASS involved, again this can be very expensive take an age to sort out and be very stressful for both parents, i can only imagine what a child must think while the process continues, children sense stress from their parents very well indeed, again think about mediation to help you both, heading straight for a solicitor is not always the best move, remember a solicitor works for you only a mediator works for both of you with no bias to either parent,

Keep asking away

Dear S,

Thank you for your helpful reply.

I have since sought legal advice and was told by the solicitor that if I file for divorce now, while my wife is still obviously smarting from our separation (a separation I instigated on grounds that we simply couldn't get along), then she may withdraw my current visiting days with my daughter altogether. This would be a disaster for me, as I only see her two nights as it is.
Also, I was told that by filing for divorce I would have to state my reasons, i.e. explain what I didn't like about the marriage and, ultimately, about my wife. In essence, I would be drawing first blood. She would then retaliate and probably exaggeratedly so. In that respect, I could say that I am happy to be apart from her, unhappy to have limited access to my daughter (apparently just the way it is) and if we are separated for 2 years, I could then file for divorce on the grounds of 2 year separation.
With all that said, I am now of the opinion that I should let my wife file for divorce and then state my case from there on in.
How does that sound?

Thanks,

Boyle

Dukey,

I have read and understand what you have said, which is pretty much what the solicitor told me during my free consultation.

I only want what is right for my daughter. I don't want to be seen as the antagonising party and to a certain extent know that, for the time being, I have to be happy and positive about the time I am allowed with my daughter. The rest can fall by the wayside as far as I'm concerned.

I have been told that I would be very lucky to see my daughter more than I am already being permitted. This hurts like hell, but I don't want to be in a situation where this time could be reduced by my wife or, indeed, by the courts.

If you read my response to 'S' and add any additional comments, I would be hugely grateful.

Many thanks,

Boyle

Hi Boyle

Are you absolutely sure that your relationship is irreconcilable? Divorce is a huge step and I wondered if you had considered some form of counselling to reconcile your differences before making this decision?

Having a child together can have a huge impact on a relationship, particularly if you have only been married for a short time before a new baby comes along?

I am sure you may well have considered the alternatives, and am not advocating staying in a relationship that has run it's course for the sake of a child, but I just wonder if the increased pressure that you will both have incurred in starting and raising a new family may have had some impact on how the relationship between the two of you has become strained.

Wishing you well in whatever you decide.

I am absolutely sure. I was verbally assaulted by my wife and her mother on my daughter's first birthday - infront of my daughter. I have never been so upset with anyone, ever.

I can never forgive what was said - be it out of anger or otherwise.

I completely understand what you mean, and I have given it much consideration. What is happening is for the best, I am sure.

Many thanks,

Boyle