Going Backwards

Hi, I'm recently seperated from my husband of 28years after he told me he'd been having an affair for seven years. I forgave him initially and wanted him back more that anything but after 7months of him not being able to make up his mind who and what he wanted and keeping me waiting and hoping, I found out that he'd been lying to me again and I made the decision for him and told him to go.
I've been through a massive journey of pain and despair but have managed to keep going and look after my teenage sons aided by good friends and family.
However now I find myself thinking and dreaming about my husband almost constantly and wanting to confront this woman and vent all the hate I feel for her. Up until this point I have distanced myself from thoughts of them as a couple and have managed to keep myself sane,now these thoughts are beginning to destablise me again and I don't know how to turn them off. Any advice anyone can give me to stop me falling off the ladder once more would be very gratefully received.

Hi

Why are you angry with this woman? It's your husband who has been unfaithful to you and lied to you. She didn't.

My husband (we'd been together 31 years) is now living with his new love. I feel absolutely nothing about her. I don't care much about him now either - we've been separated 18 months.

BUT when he first left I was tormented by the unfairness of the fact that he was loved-up and playing happy families with her young children, while I was stuck on my own in a house in need of repair, with two angry teenage boys, one of whom dropped out of school and then was chucked out of college.

I did go to counselling which helped me to see things differently. And I also realised that it was daft to make my happiness dependent on whether my ex was happy or unhappy. I am happy because I choose to be - whether he's happy or not isn't my concern.

Anger is one of the stages of grief and separation is like bereavement (except you don't get your mortgage paid off!)

I dealt with my anger by doing something very physical - pruning the trees, vacuuming - which had the added advantage of feeling I'd accomplished something. Or I'd put on Linda Ronstadt's "You're no good" and dance about imagining singing it to my ex in front of his mates and using suitable hand gestures.

Hi
I think it is normal to hate the other woman. I could never trust my ex again for all the lies and deceit but it doesn't stop me thinking about him. I hate her, she knew he was married but still carried on emailing, texting, flirting etc. so yes I do hate her.
You say you have recently seperated, give yourself time, the feelings you are going through are "normal". Try and keep yourself busy and build up a social life etc. without him. It does get easier, but for me it took over 12 months to stop feeling bitter and twisted!!

hi yes i blame my oh the most but i cant help but hate the ow. she knew what she wanted and went for it with a vengance. she told me she would leave him alone, lies all lies. i did confront her and could happily slapped her across the face but i didnt .I was really strong and kept my dignity. i would not lower myself to her standards. She was married and divorced twelve years ago so she knew first hand what pain she was causing but still didnt have the courage to leave well alone.

Similarly I had no issue with the other woman, my contract was with him not her. She chose to take on a man who wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the bum and cheated on her through the 1st whole year of their relationship not just with me but with his other g/f too so she's welcome to him gift-wrapped!!

You need to find an outlet for the anger and resentment as left untreated you can develop depression. Physical things are best, personally I find sword fighting on the Wii very therapeutic but just walking in the park also has the desired effect.

Best wishes

Thank you, you've given me some of the most sensible advice I've had. I'll do my best to take it'on board' as they say. I dance too, usually to 'I will survive'

Thank you,I'm trying my hardest not to be bitter but it is difficult at times, sepecially as he seems to have got off scott free. I hope you have got through it all positively, that would give me hope that there is light at the end of this long tunnel