Just introducing myself

Hi, the week before Christmas I asked my wife what was wrong and what I could do to help as she'd been seeming quite low from the previous Thursday. I expected her to be a bit down and knew this would be a tough christmas as it was the first since her mum had died. I didn't expect the response. She told me she had written me a letter just yesterday getting her thoughts down and clear on paper and was going to give me it after xmas and new year was over. I couldn't not read it now although she said not to. The letter said that she had been suffering from disassociation and depersonalisation for the whole of our marriage and likely had been since a childhood incident in the 70's. She pretty much told me that she didn't know who she was and had no idea how she felt about me or herself and that she felt she needed to be apart from me so she could heal. We've been married 20 years and have 3 wonderful kids. I'm trying to be understanding and agree with her that the marriage is over but inside I'm decimated and just now every memory I have has become tainted my this revelation. I'm sorry I can't write more just now I'm feeling really emotional. I;ll try and post more later.

Hi beatledrive and welcome.

You'll find lots of support here if you need it so please feel free to use the site to work through your feelings. It helped me enormously.

My advice, for what it's worth since I failed to save my marriage, is that she needs to be freed up to work through her feelings. You may well find that if you support her in this then she comes back to you later on. Maybe a temporary separation is what she needs? There are definitely resources for learning about the best strategies for supporting her and, at the same time, saving your marriage. Years ago, I read a book called "the divorce remedy" which covers this kind of situation (amongst other things).

Good luck!

BB

So sorry you've found yourself in this club.

I'm with Braybrook about giving time.

Death of the same-sex parent can trigger some significant stuff in relation to re-assessing life choices by being faced with your own mortality. For some people this can be a rumble which returns to normal, for others it's a permanent shift - at this point you can't tell.

I'd also suggest having a look at the website midlifecrisisforum.com which I found very supportive about how to give distance while also looking after your own wellbeing.

Please come back and post more when you're able.

Hi, thanks Both for the words of support.
Yesterday she phoned to say she'd got estate agents in and I was to phone them to confirm the house was to go up for sale. I did,as I think no matter what happens in the next few weeks and months that our life together in that house is definitely over.
We're off together to the citizens advice bureau later in the week to see what our next steps are. My practical side is just accepting all this and trying to face up to it as amicably as possible for the sake of the kids and my sanity. The emotional side is screaming out to stop and fight for the marriage. She's made it clear that she doesn't want any kind of reconciliation so I'm just going to back right off and see where this all goes. I don't want her to be in pain I care about her enough to let her go. She's in counselling and has been for nearly a year and this is whre its apparently taken her. I can't say that I've been a saint throughout this marriage but looking back I think I;ve been largely a good husband and father. Unfortunately for her and me the incident in her childhood has caused her to bury her feelings and react in unexpected ways to various situations. Anyhway I could rant on here all night.
I'm slowly working my way thru the website and the forum and I know from the answers I've read already that this is the right place for me to be at the moment. I'll post any questions I have as they come up in the relevant forum spot.
Thanks again.

Hi, thanks Both for the words of support.
Yesterday she phoned to say she'd got estate agents in and I was to phone them to confirm the house was to go up for sale. I did,as I think no matter what happens in the next few weeks and months that our life together in that house is definitely over.
We're off together to the citizens advice bureau later in the week to see what our next steps are. My practical side is just accepting all this and trying to face up to it as amicably as possible for the sake of the kids and my sanity. The emotional side is screaming out to stop and fight for the marriage. She's made it clear that she doesn't want any kind of reconciliation so I'm just going to back right off and see where this all goes. I don't want her to be in pain I care about her enough to let her go. She's in counselling and has been for nearly a year and this is whre its apparently taken her. I can't say that I've been a saint throughout this marriage but looking back I think I;ve been largely a good husband and father. Unfortunately for her and me the incident in her childhood has caused her to bury her feelings and react in unexpected ways to various situations. Anyhway I could rant on here all night.
I'm slowly working my way thru the website and the forum and I know from the answers I've read already that this is the right place for me to be at the moment. I'll post any questions I have as they come up in the relevant forum spot.
Thanks again.

Hello

Welcome to Wikivorce.

You may find some of the articles in our Scottish library useful - you can find it by clicking on this link - www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Scotland/Library.html

We also have a useful and easy to read step-by-step guide to Scottish family law -

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Scotland/Step-...de/Introduction.html

Im happy to answer any questions you may have.

Ruby

Hi Beatledrive.

I may only be able to give cold comfort but I hope it helps.
2 and a half years ago I did the same to my stbx. My parents had died within 2 years of each other and I had been their sole carer. I also had a demanding job - ward sister and would regularly pull off double shifts and come home tired out to a dirty kitchen and not even a cup of tea made.
My stbx had his own problems as well - he was ( and is) a workoholic and therfore did not see that I was struggling and tired.
So I cracked - I told him I was leaving, I wouldn't listen to ANYTHING he said - I just ranted,.
I moved into a grotty nurse's room and that first night I cried like a baby.
I thought I had made a mistake and went running back to my FH and my stbx. I went to my GP and he diagnosed depression due to stress and anxiety.
I had a course of anti depressants and tried to rebuild my marriage. My stbx at the time did try and change but it was not to be.
What I am trying to say is this..... your wife does not sound well. She is acting ( in her head) perfectly logically but her behaviour is irrational.
You are absolutely right to back off - believe me in her head she is right and she will not listen.

I really hope this works out for you. I can relate to you and her.But her state of mind does not seem good to me - the trouble is, how the heck do you ask her to see a doctor? Is there a family member who is perhaps unbiased who can help?

Good luck and huge hugs.