I don't want this

Hi everyone. Thanks for reading this.
My name's Rob (37) and i met sarah (32) in Jan 2000 and married her in Dec 2001. We are lucky enough to have two beautiful children, Emily 4 and Henry 2 who we both adore completely.

My parents owned a small farm and we lived about a mile away with my parents letting her stable and graze her horse at the farm along with letting her have a room in the house for sarah's studio for her business. My parents are very generous - they also gifted us a large amount of money (2 x £40K) to more than help us on the housing ladder.

Things unfortunately took a turn for the worse it seems when we sold the small cottage we lived in to move to the family home in may 2006 (my parents moved out into a cottage they previously had rented out, next door). Effectively we were renting the house for a low rent until my parents found something to buy themselves(giving them the proceeds from our sale to help them buy) In the meantime we made some improvements to the house and were making it our home. Unfortunately in april 2007 a friend of sarah said that she wasn't happy and had made plans to move out without me knowing. I immediately sat down with her and found out for the first time that she wasn't happy with aspects of our marriage and she suggested counselling which i refused, thinking that we could work it out ourselves. Another major issue was my parents living right next door. They hadn't moved out as my father was convinced that the property market would fall and would buy when he felt the time was right. I told her i wasn't a mind reader and that she should tell me if somethings wrong and not bottle it up. We reconciled and sarah stayed.

Things seemed to be going fine and then her mother died in aug 2007 after a 6 week battle against cancer. Sarah was very very close to her mum and it was a total shock to us all. True, i didn't know how to handle it and probably buried my head in the sand thinking it wasn't going to happen. I tried to support sarah through it but looking back i am ashamed that i didn't offer her more support.

Just over 2 weeks after the funeral Sarah moved out at a day's notice the first weekend in September and took the children with her. I was totally devastated. She had unbeknowned to me already sorted out somewhere to live.

We agreed to counselling this time around, which seemed to be going well and I wrote her numerous letters as well as telling her how sorry i was for not supporting her more. in the new year we were getting on well and were even talking about living together again (although she wasn't prepared to move back to the farmhouse). I then rented a house for her in the local town, thinking that i would move in with her when she was ready. Unfortunately with this new found freedom an ex of hers got involved and she then had an affair with him which i was devastated about, but he then retreated after about 3 weeks. And she then immediately warmed to me again.

In the following weeks i was very happy, we seemed to be moving in the right direction but over the last few days the ex has been welcomed back, which i found out about and i just couldn't take any more of the emotional roller coaster. After 7 months of separation i said that i'd had enough and she had to make her mind up and for the first time she has said that its finally over. She has lead me a merry dance for so long now, i just had to know either way.

I am completely devastated, I love her so much and always have done. All i've ever wanted is for her to be happy, to support her and the children and be part of a happy family. The kids need their father and i just break down when i think about them.

I realise that resentment runs deep but her complete reluctance to even give me an opportunity to show her how i've changed my faults for the better, and to try to work through this for the children's sake, despite all my efforts has left me completely in pieces. I would have her back tomorrow.

Please can someone tell me that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I am desparate.

Rob

My goodness Rob, what a roller coaster of events. Not too dis-similar to my own, with my X2B acting like your wife.
From my own experience, I have had to take a long, hard look at what I want and not try to think and please my X2B. It took me a long time to realize what I really wanted and unfortunately the conclusion I have come to is that my marriage (25 years) has come to an end. I cannot repair what has happened (my X2B had an affair 18 months ago). I thought that I was brave enough to forgive and forget and I truly hoped that this episode would strengthen our relationship, but when reality hit me I knew that there would always be the threat of someone else lurking in the background and my X2B is very much a controlling person, and he would always use this other woman as a “manipulating” bargaining tool. Do I want this? Well, sadly the answer in my case is NO, not anymore.
Your children are young, they are very vulnerable at the moment too, mine are in their 20s and a great support to me. After talking to them I didn’t realize what they actually saw in their parents’ relationship over the years they were growing up. I thought they would not see the control their dad had over me, but to my surprise they have said that they saw this from a very early age and the two of them would talk and hope that I would leave their father as they could see how hurt I was. They are both very much supportive of me now and my best friends.
What I have learnt is that no-one can provide that answer that you probably want so much now, ie to work it out or to let go. Only you can decide what you want. People can provide guidance and assistance and all you can ever expect is to be supported in the decision that you make. You will emerge from this a stronger person and as each day goes by you will be able to cope with things, it is a long slow journey, but you will get there..
I hope that whatever YOU want happens.
Take care. GKx

Hi GK
Really appreciate your thoughts and comments.
I've been talking to people this morning and have also agreed with them that sarah is a control freak, just like her mother was. She has wanted everything her way and when she hasn't got that 100% control she can't deal with it. Marriage is about accepting the other's faults and reaching a compromise but in this case she's not prepared to work at it.
It seems that nothing was ever good enough for her, no matter how hard i tried
Part of me says let go completely but at the moment i just can't. Maybe time will change my view but at this stage i still cling on to a hope that at some stage we'll be back together again.
I do realise that right now the most important things to think about are a) me and b) the kids.
Rob