Hi all.
New member. I joined the other day as my soon to be separation draws ever closer.
Having read a number of posts, I think I am in the angry stage, getting angrier by the day as my stbx will not allow us move into the negotiation stage. She is resolute in her opinion that because she’s the mother of our kids, she’s always in the right, she will have full custody of the kids (graciously allowing me to ‘see’ them any time I want – yeah right, of course she will) and still expecting me to pay the mortgage and all of the bills on the house and her car, whilst I still employ her in my business as she ‘should be able to manage with about £700pm’.
Do I sound angry? Sorry.
Gripe over for the evening. Now for a brief history of ‘us’.
Both early 40’s, married 14 years. 3 kids, 10, 9 and 4. We are separating as we have just drifted apart over the last few years. We did the whole ‘relate’ thing for about 6 months, which was very useful from my point of view as it clarified all of the problems that I knew were there but hadn’t been able to pin point. At the end of it all, we had to ask ourselves, ‘do I really want to stay married to this person?’, and we both, after a lot of hard and deep soul searching came to the conclusion that the answer was no.
I started my own business 10 years ago, which meant that I had to work long hours for the first few years, as the business grew. It also meant that my wife could ‘work’ for the company, with all of the tax benefits and perks that entailed. Ten years on, and the company turns over £700k, and gives us a joint £65k income (although the company is left technically not making any profit at all, which from an accounting point of view makes it worthless). We have found that the old adage is true that the more you earn, the more you spend. £1400pm mortgage, two nice cars, holidays etc. However, with the company doing well, this also has the benefit that I don’t actually have to go to work. I employ people to do that for me. However, because of the household tension associated with us growing apart, I preferred to get out of the house and go to work.
With the upcoming separation, and knowing that we will eventually be living apart, we are currently trying to get used to living as separate a life as possible, which I know is difficult as neither of us will move out of the house until everything has been sorted out. We initially agreed upon a 50/50 care arrangement (Sun-Weds, Weds-Sat). With my work commitments being minimal, I jumped at the chance to spend more time with the kids. They love me taking them to and from school, and we all enjoy the extra afternoon and evening times we have together. This may soon be coming to an end, however, as my stbx has said that this is apparently ‘not working’.
My stbx was a teacher for 10(ish) years, until about 6 years ago; working full time before the kids, then part time in between them. Since our thirdborn, she has changed her focus, and has suggested that she would like a career change into the health profession, which would require a minimum three year college course.
Our kids are wonderful. They have generally accepted the ongoing – and oncoming – changes, as kids do. We have explained everything to them as best as we can, and they have asked many pertinent questions of us both.
Whilst up to this point we have been relatively civil in our conversations, as things build up to the point where we have to discuss, negotiate and agree upon everything (kids, money, house etc), I fear that things are going to take a turn for the worse, with our anger towards each other being vented, which is the last thing I want the kids to be dragged into (or through).
Anyway, that is some of my history. If anyone is in a similar position I’d love to hear from you, and I will keep trawling the site for relevant information for myself, and also to help anybody else in this situation that I can.
Thanks for listening.
FoT.
