I am lost in a game of two crazy people

I am a mother of two boys and going through divorce. Me and my soon ex signed papers 3 months ago and we had his cheating tod eal with for the last 3 years. He left our home to move in with someone else, after he gave me diamond ring to start new future. He is comming back when is bad with his new gf. I just feel lonely and I need to change my thinking and move on. How do I say NO MORE, IT IS OVER to myself?

suzik,

Firstly, welcome to wikivorce. You will find an incredible range of peoples stories and experiences here, and there others like you, with similar issues to deal with.

How to say no and move on? Very, very hard to do. You obviously love him, but he is treating you with contempt. How dare he try to slink back home after effectively saying to you 'I don't want you anymore'?

How much thought did he give to the impact of what he was about to do to you when he started cheating 3 years ago? Not very much I think. How has his behaviour affected you? Quite deeply I imagine.

You have to decide for yourself that you are no longer prepared to put up with this behaviour. You need to cut him off emotionally. Yes he is the father of your 2 sons, but that does not give him a right to come and go and do as he pleases with your emotions.

If you think that you CAN repair the damage and attend counseling together to repair your relationship, I say good luck to you. But you have to ask yourself whether any amount of effort on your part is going to change his behaviour. Does a leopard change his spots?

DO you and your boys not deserve some happiness? I think that you do. But the fear of the unknown is holding you back. The familiar is comfortable. The unknown is terrifying. But there is a new life for you out there without relying on his attentions, when it suits him. You personally owe that to yourself.

You have to accept that you are not prepared to put up with him. Then detatch yourself. No contact except to arrange contact for your boys with him. It will be hard, but it is the only way to start to heal yourself and get over him.

Best of luck. There are a lot of people here to help you on that journey. Just ask for help.

Mike

Hello Suzikz


Only me opinion but for what its worth when he started cheating on you he broke his oath to you and with it goes the trust you shared, he left you for another but still returns when all is not well with his new as you say girl friend.

He gave you a ring for a new start atleast he got that bit right, and thats what you need be good to yourself have pride you dessevre so much more, time to look after yourself consider your needs and future and not live in a limbo where he calls the shots.

It is hard and at times lonley and i hope you find support here on this site, i can say that it does get better and a new life will begin i say this because i have lived through it, and have a new life new goals and a future.

In your own words enough is enough and it is over, i wish you well and the best of luck.

dukey

Hi Suzikz
yr situation is very difficult and I have met quite a few people who find themselves in the same position. Problem is you didnt want the separation and when youve got yr husband playing the two of you its hard not to fall for it. Sometimes I think its easier when the ex is a total nightmare and sticks to that consistently - the swingers are hard work! It sounds to me like you dont really want this and yr trying to extricate yrself as best you can. Hes very screwed up if you ask me and I think you have to answer the question if he really offered to give up the GF and come back to you would you want him? You've got kids so your stuck with seeing him ideally that would be the best way to manage it. Try and put as much practical distance between him and you as you can. He wont like it and he will try to break it down,if you can, get away from him and have a hol so you can decide your strategy. Think about how he lures you back into the game and make yourself some strong rules that you wont engage - the chats about his life; reminiscing; his poor me I'm so confused routine - plainly speaking its not fair but he gets alot out of it so he wont stop and you will spend your time emotionally exhausted and unable to build up any strength to break out of the game. Divorce makes you feel worthless for a while and you need to do a bit of taking care of yourself - you dont need or deserve this.

Thank you for the reply and yes, you are right. I believed him, because the words he told me are the one I needed at the time. Now I came to the realzation that I do not want to go back and I do not want to think about it any more.
Him being with some one else is not new to me, but the way the two of them blamed me for everything that was or is going on with them, is amazing. She is a person who does not trust him and he is the one who will cheat. She is telling how she will cut her self, she drinks, calling me and telling me what the rules are... It is insane.
I respond to him and I do not get into their life, I did and i do not want to be part of it. Now they are draging my kids into it after all he told me bad about her and how he wants to leave her... How can I let my sons be around, when I know that for him, she is not real and even that they have good days, it does not mean my sons needs to be around and be part of the mess.
I just need to stop going into it and start trusting myself and what i need and want for three of us...
Better future...

Thank you for all support. It feels lonely and I am fighting a battle of my mind and heart. It is so many things to deal with and all I want to have a time off and enjoy days with my sons. Show them that we will be ok and we are ok and love them.
I believed him, because the words he told me are the one I needed at the time. Now I came to the realzation that I do not want to go back and I do not want to think about it any more.
Him being with some one else is not new to me, but the way the two of them blamed me for everything that was or is going on with them, is amazing. She is a person who does not trust him and he is the one who will cheat. She is telling how she will cut her self, she drinks, calling me and telling me what the rules are... It is insane.
I respond to him and I do not get into their life, I did and i do not want to be part of it. Now they are draging my kids into it after all he told me bad about her and how he wants to leave her... How can I let my sons be around, when I know that for him, she is not real and even that they have good days, it does not mean my sons needs to be around and be part of the mess.