Acceptance

hi all..

having a bad day....been chatting in the lounge and that helps but have to have a rant...

ive been on this site for over a week now and im not sure how i couldve got through it without you guys. ive got my family and friends but its hard talking sometimes...writing seems so much easier ?

well as my profile says after 15 years of being together he's left me...we'd been married for nearly 7 and i really thought we were happy until 3 mths ago....he started going out alot with work and deciding to not come home, also got very friendly with a woman at his work place whos older than me...1m 40, he's 37....lots of txt's between them late at night etc etc. she was in a bad relationship which she has now left and moved into her own place which he helped her with..he even told me their friendship has moved on and they've kissed, (well thats what he tells me anyway) not much really compared to what some of you have gone through but my world has fallen apart.

i just dont understand it...i dont get why he didnt talk to me when this all started...he chose to talk to her instead......friends have said it sounds like a mid life that he's having and im here left to suffer...thats what it feels like..

ive sat here drinking my way through copious amounts of wine contemplating ending it all...i wouldnt do it i do think its the cowards way out but you know what its like...you get desperate dont you, want to punish yourself for whats happened, well i do anyway..i think its all my fault...

he wants to see each other every week just to see whats happening re the house, make sure everythings ok - is that a good thing ? i dont know, i guess maybe im thinking theres still hope, a chance it might all work out..

im going back to work tomorrow, dr suggested half days and i think shes right but i cant help feeling stupid, pathetic, why cant i get my act together...im scared of going to work....even though i need to get on with my life...get back to reality...my confidence has been thrown out of the window.....the prob is alot of people knew him as he used to work there and every day people i see ask after him....ive been lying for 3 mths saying "oh yes he's fine everything great" and i guess i will continue lying...until im ready to accept it...and this is my problem acceptance that its over...when i dont feel any fight has been put up at all by him...how can he just like that say im not sure i love you enough anymore..i guess if i was in his shoes i would see it differently..

the house is so empty, just me and our 3 cats...i dont want to go out see anyone do anything...just stay in my security blanket...i cant though can i.......god i feel so desperate right now....im sorry...i know i should be strong....for gods sake i used to be such an independant woman....where has she gone ?

well thats me at the moment...no doubt later i will be feeling better until the next time...god is this what its going to be like for the next few mths..good days and bad days..im sick of it and tired...really tired...i just want to be happy again...

thanks for reading..

daisy
xx

hang in there, If you have had thoghts about ending it you need to seek help, see your doc re medication, I have and it helped no end, both anti depressents and tranquilisers.
I ahve atrain to catch in 15mins , wish I could talk more, I know how you feel and it will pass.
Keep posting with your thoughts/fears/hopes and dreams etc it is a good release.

Will PM yopu later to make sure you are OK

Gazza

Daisyflower,

Keep posting and chatting, it helps. All you feel is perfectly normal, your world, like most of us, has been shattered. the feelings of guilt and blaming yourself are again natural, although not true. In all relationships there are two people. Both sides will tell their side, somewhere in between is the truth. You are still very early into this terrible situation and only time will make the pain go away. At first you will have crap days and not so crap days. This will progress into not so crap days and better days and so on. Personally I would not continue to live a lie at your work place, it is a added pressure. You may find some sympathetic ears at work. You may be surprised as to what some people have been through in their own lives. I personally used to talk to anyone who would listen, you then work out that some start to get bored but others have hearts of gold and will listen anytime. I now, 14 months on, no longer feel the need to bring my situation into every conversation. I rely on my brother and one fantastic friend now when I have down moments, although I tend to get through bad times without the need to talk. This, I think shows the value of time. Most important, take care of youself, try and eat properly and sleep whenever, if possible. Also, I made myself go out, sometimes it was hard, but again it is part of the process we all have to go through. Stay strong, especially in front of your husband. His attitude could well change if you show you can survive and blossom without him. For the record, I am a 54 year old male, was married for 24 years, made some real crap decisions, especially at the end, re-acted in all the wrong ways, in the end I had to accept my wife no longer loved me and there was sod all I could do about it.Sorry to go but whilst hopefully providing a small bit of help to you, I am also helping myself.

Chill

Oh dear Daisy, sorry to hear about your situation. Yes you do feel like hiding and avoiding everyone, I can totally relate to that.
The advice I have been given here really helps. as does writing everything down I agreee with you there too.
It is really hard at this stage but everyone says that it passes, I am holding onto that mantra and hope you can too.
We need to be strong to get through this initial period and i know how difficult it is. We will get there eventually Daisy.
spell xxx

I agree with Chill. You must not blame yourself. I have been there and feel it must be my fault, but I now know that I am not a mind-reader and couldn't have known what he was thinking.It helps to talk and by visiting this site you realise you are not the only one and there are many others who are worse off.
I have spent nearly 2 years hoping that he may come back, but knowing deep down he has changed and I am better off with out him. I think it is just the hurt you feel at being lied to and let down.
I find I can now cope on my own it is only when he rings etc that sets me back. But it does get easier with time, just in my case it's such a long time!!!!

Dear Daisy

Sorry to hear there is another broken heart out there.
You are not responsible for other peoples actions, so it follows that you are not to blame at all. Everyone makes their own choices. He's made his and I know how you are feeling. Stepping off the planet seems like a good way to make all those awful feelings go away, but it's not. It would be just another way to punish yourself for someone elses mistakes. Hey, have you not heard that life begins at forty? You are still so young, look on the bright side better to have happened now than when you are 60 like me and your choice is a little limited to Father Christmas look-alikes.
Try and believe that everything happens for a reason
and something good will follow to make you even happier than you thought you were before.
Anyway, you're a woman aren't you? Remember, if we can do childbirth we are strong enough to do anything we want.Tell yourself that everyday and you will come to believe it and the feeling of helplessness will go away.
If you work at being happy then there's not much time for those miserable thoughts. Here endeth the lesson.Good Luck.
Dizzy

thanks guys for all your replies.

gj - i couldnt and wouldnt honestly, who would look after my cats eh !!

we've never had children and for that i am thankful, it would be much worse if we did...and when i read other peoples posts i keep thinking how lucky i am really..

we all have our ups and downs and today is a down day.

dizzy i am young 40 is no age is it...and your right they do say life begins at 40....i was so looking forward to hitting the big 4 0 ....and im sure with time, and effort i will again, i dont want to ruin the next 6 mths thinking that my 40th year was the worst of my life...well ive just been shopping !! and guess what am down to a size 10 !! wow....that cheers me up abit...

so once again thank you..

big hugs
daisy.
xxx