STARTING DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS

Hi all

I am new to this so I may go around the houses before I actually get to the question I want to ask.

I have been married for over 4 and half years and we have a 3 year old daughter. Our marriage has been slowly drifting apart ever since she was born. I left him 5 months ago. I have decided to petition the divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. The problem is that he refuses to talk to me. We communicate via text and everytime I text him to meet me to discuss the divorce etc, he just says he is too busy to meet me and for me to send him the papers in the post and he will sign them.

At the moment he takes our daughter for 2 overnight stays. He has been doing so since I left. I have always maintained that I would never deny him seeing his daughter etc. I give her to him in good faith however he keeps saying that he can have her any day and he can easily take her off me. The 2 days that he has her he never calls or texts to say how she is and I live in fear incase he doesn't return her.

This is where I need your advice please. Even though she stays with me and he has her for 2 days can I put in for a Residence Order so that I have something legalised to say that she remains with me but I am happy for her father to have contact with her? Also at what point in the divorce process should I put an order for Residence in? I am just scscared that he may at some point try to take her off of me.


Thanks

Hi Tiamaria,

It sounds as though you don't currently have a solicitor if you are talking about sending the divorce papers to him and not being able to give them to him, as normally this is done through the court.

I would suggest that if your concern re: the safe return of your daughter is great enough to talk about on here then you should be discussing this with a solicitor.

You have not mentioned whether you work, or whether you would be entitled to legal aid but I would suggest that you find a solicitor that offers a free half hour consultation and explain your concerns to them.

From what you have said already, I don't think that a judge would deem there are sufficient grounds to grant a Residency Order. I suffered from Domestic Abuse and had further concerns re: the children and contact but this was dealt with poorly by the courts and sadly that is quite common.

The courts tend to follow the no order stance in the majority of cases.

These may just be idle threats made by an agreaved husband, if they are more then you need to seek legal advice.

All I would say is don't be surprised if you come away feeling that they don't regard your concerns as overly serious.

Would be good to know what happens.

You can always refuse him contact, but that is viewed as unhelpful in most cases and is not advocated by solicitors.

You have to do what you think is right, but the law does not always see it the same as you.

If you want to talk more about your concerns one to one then send me a private message.

Regards, Sarah

Hi Sarah

Thank you for your reply.

I collected my daughter safe and sound without any hassle. Since then he has agreed to meet me and to discuss matters face to face. Maybe he is having a good week and the sunny weather is having a positive affect on his mood.

I will hold off putting in the Residence Order. If we manage to agree matters then I will send off my Petition via the court. Its early days and I am sure alot will have to be overcome before I can get peace of mind.

Will keep you posted of any new developments.

Tia Maria

That sounds sensible. There are of course extreme cases when there are very good reasons to take action. However, people need to be aware that in the majority of cases there are psychological phenomena associated with marital breakdown such as an overly negative view of an ex-spouse which can easily turn into 'tribal warfare' when third parties support that view and take on the dispute as their own. It is also worth remembering anger and ensuing threats (withholding financial support, to keep the children, to take all the assets are common place) are usually secondary to the emotions of hurt and fear.

These coupled with lack of empathy and understanding, distorted communications and overreactions make it all too easy to fuel disputes and embark on a cycle of provocation and retaliation which is legendary in it's detrimental effects on children's emotional well being. The court process may well leave people feeling resentful and resistant contributing further to ongoing high levels of conflict. Therefore it is important to stand back and try to deal with emotions separately. When parents have concerns and/or difficulty regarding child related matters alternative dispute resolution such as mediation or negotiation is generally a much better way forward.