Introducing myself & situation and inviting commen

What can I say, I fell in love with someone who was using box ticking to select a husband and father. I ticked the right boxes and she seduced me. She made out that she was into the things that I was into etc etc.
Nearly 7 years down the line after 3 affairs that I know about and 6 months of relate she asked for a separation.
In those seven years we created 2 wonderful children, F who is a 6 year old boy and H a 4 year old girl.
stbx has always been a difficult person to reason with and I do not think that debate is in her vocabulary. If she does not immediately get her way she either sulks or gets angry, usually the latter.
I have for the last 2 years been convinced of her mental ill health and have tried to get her to seek proffesional help, at least some anger management.
Following separation we had to share the FMH. She tried all sorts to get me to move out, lying about what other people were saying etc. I have stayed to continue my fantastic relationship with our kids and to sheild them from some of her more irratic behaviour.
Unfortunately she was unable to control her temper and upset and woke the children on several occasions, causing particularly our son a great deal of stress.
stbx breast fed the children for 3.5 years each and chose a parenting model that excluded the father. Despite this I have built a good relationship with the kids and since breast feeding ended I have had a very active role, doing a share of the school runs, clubs etc as well as working full time. Since separation I found that she was actively trying to exclude me from the majority of their lives, leaving early to take them to school unannounced, taking them most evenings to friends for tea etc.
2 weeks ago she physically assualted me when my son told me that 'mummy says that you would rather spend time helping your friends than being with me' and I asked her why he would say such a thing.
I had been to her family and asked for their help in encouraging her to seek help and they had displayed an unbeleivable level of flat denial dispite all of the facts so after the assualt I reported it to the police and she was arrested - but not charged. She is now seeking proffessional help!
We are now taking 50:50 care of our children, the kids being at the FMH with alternate weekends and alternate days during the week.
I have now received a divorce petition claiming unreasonable behaviour, the grounds of which are either an exaggeration or just plain made up. The arrangement for children claims that she is the primary carer, and is again fairly made up.
I wish to seek joint residency on an alternate week basis with a review of arrangement when the youngest reaches secondary school.
stbx is dead set against any form of joint residency, believes that my role is to earn money and provide for her and the children.
I have resisted filing for adultery so far as I do not see that it is her, more her mental illness. I believe that children need both parents and that in the current circumstances sole residency with me would offer a more stable and loving environment for the kids, however as she is finally seeking help, shared residency would be best for the medium to long term for the kids. They love both of their parents and have gained in different ways from both of us.
I want to put the kids best interests first, if I'm wrong about the shared residence thing then tell me, if you think I'm right tell me, but please keep it positive - shared is better because... sole is better because... I've had enough negative shit from stbx about everything for years and its just not the way forward.
Thanks for listening, P
BTW I'm 42 honest & caring.

P,

I can only comment from my experience.

My wife left me for another man and broke all sorts of promises to me. I have the boys on alternate weeks and unless their safety (both physical and mental) was at risk I would never try to keep her out of their lives. Children need their Mum and I would like to think they get a healthy balance by spending time with both of us. I do get frustrated for them having to pack their stuff to take it to hers (they have 2 lots of uniforms etc, so it's just books and ipods etc)and I hate the transfer days, either waiting impatiently for them to arrive or knowing I've got to take them to her. I also want them to see her for what she did, but try really hard not to comment on her in front of them.

A divorced friend of mine said to think about letting the ex have residency for the boys sake, but I could not have done that and would rather have fought to get sole residency for me. That said, it seems to work for the boys and that's the most important thing for me. I have to see my ex at least once every week and I think that is stopping me moving on, but I'm happy to live with that if it's the best thing for the boys.

So, if they will be safe go for shared residency in my opinion.

Good luck and hope her behaviour improves for the sake of your kids and your sanity!!

GF

GF thank you for your comment. Did you acheive joint residency by consent or via the courts? I want to do it by consent, but I need to convince stbx/myself that it is the right path for the kids.

Hi I went down the shared residency route at the outset because we felt it important that the girls spent equal time with both parents. And I believe it's important that you both have time to have a life too.

What I experienced is that once started, it strengthens the male position should there ever be a call for requiring primary carer status - eg should someone want to move home etc. What I mean by that is that I had been the primary carer until the day we separated and suddenly found that my many years as mother and primary carer were forgotten with a year of shared care when it went to court.

Ultimately it's the relationship with the kids that you want and that won't be distorted if you don't let it - no matter what length of time they spend with either party.

Another key point is to build in a clause which allows for changes and how they will be handled. We don't have crystal balls and what seems appropriate right now might not do so in a few years time.

Sorry for the delay in responding, I hope things are going OK.

We agreed the shared residency ourselves and put this in the paperwork to the court. We did have to go to see the judge to explain how it would work - it was very strange and he did not even allow us to sit together! My situation was not the typical (if there is such a thing) husband at work and wife at home, when our second son was born I worked a part time pattern to be at home and look after our boys and apart from not bein able to breat feed them I have had as much involvement in their care and development as my ex. Of course the court may not have seen it that way if I had need to go that route.

I am not particularly caree minded and if I was my current arrangements would make things difficult, but I love it when the boys are with me and the house is a proper 'home' when I'm cokking, cleaning and tidying up after them!

Good luck, GF