How did i end up here

Hello, like anyone entering into marriage - i didnt expect it to end in divorce. I thought that we loved each other, I thought that we had the same life goals and expectations. The birth of our daughter was a wonderful moment, 4 years ago - and i thought we would just get stronger and stronger.

This didnt happen, my wife suffers with clinical depression - I have supported her with it for the last 10 years, to the best of my ability. It seems now that my support was not satisfactory as I found out, 5 months ago she was having an affair with her boss. Spent that time trying to salvage our relationship, but to cut a long story short we are separating with a view to divorce.

I know that my story is nothing new, but it is to me. My own health has suffered over the last months and I find myself on anti depressants. My worries are being a part time dad, would like 50% custody, but if that is not achievable how do I ensure that I can support and help my daughter as I watch her grow up from a distance. There are obviously the financial complications, the impact it will have on me (selfish i know) and how i move on. The thing that eats me up the most is that although my wife would beg to differ, but i dont feel I did anything wrong - I didnt have an affair, I didnt break the trust in our relationship. Equally im not saying I am whiter than white, I have spent time trying to see stuff from my wife's perspective, just cant help but feel so horribly let down. This introduction has turned into a bit of a rant - sorry hope you read to the end

I'm not sure that I can offer words of encouragement or hope but I really do know where you are coming from. My husband also suffers - actually suffered; his girlfriend has fixed him apparently - from depression which started early in our relationship (and before we met)and continued on an off throughout the 15 years. I truly felt I gave 110% support and stuck by him even when he was jealous and agressive towards our children, I got three p/t time jobs when he grumbled he wasn't able to spend like he wanted to, sat and listened for hour after hour and craddled him in my arms on the many tearful occasions. My only failing was that his illness affected our relationship to the extent that he became more of a dependent than a partner and sex became infrequent. I took my marriage vows seriously though; in sickness and in health. He liked to keep himself on a high by buying things, when that wasn't working/possible he stepped it up a level and found himself a new, younger, more carefree woman - just like I was at her age. Now at the age of 45 I have a 4yr old and an 8yr old to support emotionally and financially. I gave up a good job to support him and I will never get back that lost time. I could go on but i'm sure you have similar experiences.

I just hang on to the belief that nothing is forever and who knows what is round the next corner, life must get better in time. And remember you have your daughter - make sure your relationship with her grows in strength, not by over compensating with material things but by giving her your time, listening to her and sharing her experiences. 50% custody may not be right for her but there are ways of being a big part of her life.

I think the most important thing right now is not to bottle up your feelings but to share them with someone or here on the website - I really does help.

I wish you all the luck in finding a new way of living, and if you find the secret pass it on as some days can be so hard!

Sank

Thanks sank - it does help. Sounds like we have similar tales to tell - not easy but your right there has to be light at the end of the tunnel.

Glad I stumbled over this site yesterday - its good to enter a like minded community; I will be about a bit, we should chat

Shellshocked,

Like Sank, I have a similar story. If you want to chat anytime, just PM me.

Hadenoughnow

I split from my ex after struggling with living with her depression for 6 years, we had considered separation a couple of times previously, and when push came to shove, she didn’t want to and couldn’t bear the thought of leaving the children. After considering a split, we grew closer, but the gap between the disputes was getting shorter and shorter, until it just got too much.

I finally came to terms with the fact that we were broken and we were not going to be able to fix it. It took at least three years for me to accept it, but it was always going to happen.

I feel for you, your relationship with your daughter is going to suffer no matter how you look at it, and it is not your fault, but that is something that you will have to come to terms with.

Start putting your life into order if you can, make your plans and get on with getting yourself on top of it all. It has worked for me, I had to make great sacrifices to be able to move on, and I was ready for it, your position is different I know, but coming to terms with it is just the start.

My ex, was looking for a new prey within 48 hours of us agreeing to split, by registering on various dating sites. She has her claws into somebody now, having met him in September of last year, he was introduced to the children in November and moved into the FHM in March of this year. He already looks like he has had enough of her when I pick up the children, and I am concerned about the effect another separation could have on my children, there is not much I can do about it though.

I don’t know what your access/housing/working/money situation is; I found that once I had a good idea of what I was going to do in all of these areas, I could get on with things.

I could go on for hours about my experience, if you want to give me a shout.

Good luck
GM

Time is a great healer.. hang on in there.. I kept being told through my divorce that things will get worse before they get better :O( :o)