Telling the children

Hello to all board members. This is my first post here and probably won't be my last. I didn't think Divorce would be so stressfull

My question is to do with when to tell the children. I presently live with my Wife and will
continue to do so until there is a financial
settlement when I will find out how much equity will or will not be released to me so I know
what housing I can afford.
We decided to Divorce before last Christmas but
waited until the new year until starting the process. Months have passed and possibly Months
more will as my Wife went to a solicitor
I wanted mediation.

She feels that we should not tell the children
until we can give definitive answers to any questions they may ask about the future,ie: where everyone is going to live for one.
I feel that we are deceiving the children and
they may feel resentful that we have kept the decision of Divorce a secret for a long time.
The children are a boy and a girl of 9 and 8
years old respectively.

My Wife may be right but there is a lack of trust between us now so I would appreciate
anyones opinion on this.

Many thanks

Hal

I think that if you are managing to behave well when the children are around it might well be better to wait until you have answers to at least some of the questions, such as who is going to stay in the house. You don't in fact have to tell them when you decided to divorce; you can pretend that it was a shorter process. Many children find the long drawn-out process of divorce frustrating and confusing in any case.

Sadie

Thanks for the reply Sadie.
I'll need to think on this further but I will take
your comments on board.
One of my objections to not telling the children was that
I perhaps would not be around during a period of time
when they first are told. The compromise may be that as soon as we know the financial position and then tell them, there will still be some time whilst I'm living with them until
I relocate.

Regards

Hal

Hal,

My experience was that my children (15, 13 and 8 at the time) wanted to know what was happening. Children like security and uncertainty is not good. Equally, parents sniping at each other is not good either. However a balance needs to be struck. I would agree with you that it is not a good idea to tell the children while you are away for a protracted period of time. I also agree with your wife that if there is no necessity to tell them and some semblance of normality remains, don't make life difficult for yourself and them.

I was dreading telling mine and although the immediate aftermath was very unpleasant, they DO adapt remarkably well. When the dust settles after the initial shock, what they want is the reassurance that their normal activities will continue and that they will continue to see both mum and dad, albeit not at the same time. I was subsequently surprised how many of their peers had been through this experience and how well they have since adjusted to the change in circumstances. They are more resilient than we sometimes think.

Best of luck Hal, not a pleasant time.

Mike