Never thought I would be here!

This is my first time writing on the forum, and my breathing is difficult, my eyes are filling with tears, and I think I need to run.

My husband of 42 years announced last November that our marriage was over, and left me.

A friend who knows me well says just behave as though he is dead. When I do I begin to forget about him, but he isnt dead, and he keeps on sending such confusing messages.

I do not know where I am, what to think.

He has no affection for me and says that he sooner the final split is made the better; THEN HE COMES AND CUTS MY GRASS.

I am so worried in case he is actually ill. If he is it is my belief I should try to reconsile. If he isnt then he is just wanting to have his freedom and do all the things incompatible with marriage that he feels he has missed out on.

Friends are very supportive of me, but I have NEVER expressed my emotions to anyone. People see me as confident and capable.

I have lost two stone in weight. I am facing a major operation alone, and I have just received an e mail saying he will buy a strimmer for us to share (we now are 150 miles apart)

How can I make head or tail of what is going on?

Hi
Sounds a bit like my life 36yrs walked out in Nov and cuts the grass!!!! They must have read the same how to leave your wife book!!!
He isn't your problem. You have to think about you, believe me cutting the grass is just habit. I think the difference between you and me was that I talked wailed and cried and now am getting stronger and realise he is a complete T....r
It's hard but I will have a life for me. It wouldn't have been my choice but thats how it is.
You can't make decisions for him only for you. Admit your weaknesses and ask for help(never from him) then go for it.
Lots of us here know what your going through and we're here to help.
Big virtual hug from me.
Look after yourself.
Megan

Hi OGM

I dont know why but some how it seems worse after you put 42 yrs in - it shouldnt be, its hard at any stage when your partner leaves you. I have no grass and my ex was crap at gardening anyway, I wonder if I'd stuck it out another 30 years would he be offering to do some inconsequential house maintenance? I'd be sorely tempted to tell yr hubby where to stick his strimmer, but other than that cant say anything to take the pain away except to say this is a good place to let your true feelings out if you still want to keep you chin up with your nearest and dearest. Do use it to get things off yr chest and know that you are not alone. Take care - Rasher

same here after 34 years of marriage.my x thought he'd explain it by saying he couldn't live with me any more because we were no longer compatible (I cramped his independent lifestyle)but he'd live next door to me so that he could keep an eye on me and take me shopping
God forbid!
I too thought he was sick but that thought soon vanished when he said he was sick of not having a wife.
Unlike you I couldn't wait to escape!
My split was easier because I'd had years and years of unhappiness so welcomed the chance to be free and enjoy what life I have left.My heart goes out to you because you had no idea what was coming and the shock must have been horrific.
My advice would be get someone else to help with chores like gass cutting,he's only doing it to ease his own conscience and you do need to break the connection because the confusing messages he is sending you are not helping.it's like two steps forward then a step back.
In a way your friend is correct,not exactly think he'd dead but you do need to grieve in a similar way.you need to grieve for the loss of your marriage and all it meant to you, that way you'll find it easier to eventually move on with your life without him.I'm sure you'll survive this but it's definately one day at a time and plenty of support from everyone but your x.

I'm another one in the same boat! Had no idea there was anything wrong with our marriage. He suffered depression in the past and I thought it was another phase of depression when he walked out after 20 years.
To start with he tried to be helpful ie cut the grass, take the kids and me shopping. Then decided he would teach my son to cut the grass!! Now he rarely sees my daughter, my son hasn't seen him for a year, doesn't do anything for us and he won't even speak to me.
Yes it is easier to think he is dead, but as you say the memories are still there and it is impossible to just forget.
I still think my husband is ill, and would like to reconcile, but you have to think could you forget the pain and hurt he has given you? Things can never be the same ever again and I could never forgive the way he has treated my children.
I don't think we will ever understand their reasoning. I'm sure you have some very good friends and they will support you during this time try to talk to them, it does help.
Take care of yourself.
Lost

Hi old grey mare,

I'm sorry you're feeling do confused. I personally think this situation is a difficult one. The advice i give you may not be welcome and really don't want to upset you.

I think your ex needs to be told, gently if you like, that he can't keep popping back into your life as you find it confusing. I think people should always keep things as amiacable as possible but his behaviour is giving you hope of a reconcilitation. If there is no hope he needs to state this and give you some space.

You will not be able to move on with your life if there is the slightest chance he will come back. You're obviously still very much in love with him.

I think you're friends advice is a little extreme. We all find ways of dealing with divorce and you will find yours in your own way. All i can say is the more time passes the easier it gets.

Why don't you try writing him a letter? If you find the confrontation difficult this would be a gentler option.

I wish you all the very best.

DAD

in one way it is a lot more difficult to deal with divorce when you are older .When you have young children you have no choice life has to go on for their sake but when the children are grown up there is no reason to be but then just think your life with some adjustment is your own to do with when and what you want.I do beleive that he is manupulating you could be for financial gain you will never know.Give yourself sometime ,it is a greiving process and you will get through it