Looking for support

Hi, this could be a long drawn out message. My husband of 32 years has been having an affair for over four years. He did confess to this over 3 years ago promising never to see her again. He has still been seeing her all this time and the past two years have been a total nightmare. He is a wreck but cannot see what she is doing to him or better still what he is doing to himself. She is much younger than him and I think this must be the attraction. He has finally moved out now but still insists in keeping in touch with me.
My problem is that in my head I know I have to divorce him and get on with my life, but the pain is so unbearable. There is no future for us now but how do I move on from the past? I do know that his relationship will eventually end in disaster and tried so many time to tell him this but he does not listen. He says I can get a divorce and sort the house but he will not get a solicitor. He says that he is not discussing his marraige with anyone. i know this stems from his guilt but it does not help me. i am worried because he can be volatile when stressed and I always seem to be the one who sees this not her. Please any advice would do. Just something to get me started.

I was married for 31 yrs and my stbx walked out no rows no explanation.
Of course found out he was having an affair.
The last 6 months have been horrendous and devastating, but in a way i feel it was easier for me than the long drawn out goodbye you have had. I have had to move on and move on fast. I have had to find a life for myself and there is one out there.
He isn't your problem. Stop thinking about if he will be happy, if he has made a mistake etc. You have no control over his life only your own. Do things for you get a life for yourself and let him go. It wont be easy but you can do it.
Good luck and keep posting you'll get lots of support on here.

mrsonmyown

When I was first in discussions with my solicitor about my husbands affair I didnt want to divorce, she said what you have to ask youself is do I ever want to live with this man again and the answer was no and I realised then that to move on I would have to do this and like yourself my H is living with someone else. It is your decision. I also agree with Megan stop worrying about him he is not your problem. People told me that too I couldnt stop worrying about his state of mind. I must be moving on because I dont now. It sounds like your H is still wanting you as a confidante, the situation may never change if that is the case. I know it is so hard everybodies situation is so unique. I wish you well in unravelling your thoughts and feelings and deciding what to do.

How do you know his new relationship will end in disaster, I ask as I often think of my H with this new woman and wonder if his guilt affects his relationship with her I put myself in his shoes and would find it virtually impossible to settle into a cosy relationship whilst going through a divorve what do you think?

Mrsonmyown, when you say that your husband is volatile when stressed, does that mean that you are afraid of upsetting him in case he hits you or is verbally abusive to you? You need to take care of yourself now, not protect him from being upset. If him being upset makes things scary for you, then you need to get him out of your life.

I am sure that it is very hard after being together for such a long time, but you do have to stop protecting him from the consequences of his actions. You need to divorce. If his new relationship goes wrong, that is his problem, not yours. If he doesn't want to see a solicitor, that is also his problem, as it won't stop you taking him to court.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Hi. I know because of who she is. He is not living with her. He did for a few weeks but could not stand how she and her children live. I am totally astounded that he still wants to be with her after this but he does. Got himself a house share and she goes around there several nights and days a week. she leaves her kids with the eldest and as she does not work much spends quite an amount of time there during the day. How can you want to be with someone eho you cannot live with??

Hi Sexysady

He is volatile and it is verbal. He has embarrassed me no end of times over the years. Yes I am too soft with him I know. Yes you are right I should not let him do it to me anymore. Yes I can take him to court only he has no money and I will end up paying for my part in the trying to get it sorted as he won't bother getting a solicitor. In theory he has agreed to a divorce for is adultery but I will have to pay. When it actually comes to signing the papers that may be another story. If he refuses then it is more expense for me. He is screwed up big style and cannot face his guilt. I am concerned also as he has threatened to kill himself. ays all the time he hopes he dies soon.