Another newbie...

Hi there.

Not sure how much I'll be here, I swung on in when doing a google search for 'divorce entitlement'. I'm sure I'll tap your collective brains for advice at some point, but right now I just can't get into it too much. Without wanting to sound totally pathetic, I just cry when I think about it.

I'm 28, and my husband and I haven't been having a good time of it for a while now. I'm a night-club low-level manager, and that is a big part of our problem - we don't spend enough time together. A couple of years ago I put my career on the line and took a step back in my workplace to try and fix that, and things did get better, but things changed at work, and my handy day-job disappeared. It was a choice between going back to what I did before, or having no job at all, which simply wasn't an option. It took me 18 months just to get back to where I was.

It now appears that it's too late for us. Hubby isn't happy (not in the 'I'm p#@sed-off' sense, but in the 'I'm miserable' sense) and says he can't live like this anymore, that I don't make him happy. He actually said the words 'I want a divorce' a couple of weeks ago. Just the other day, he told me that my "staying here isn't an option".

My main problem? Well, aside from not knowing what my options are... I can't talk to anyone. I have trouble opening up about things due to bad experiences in the past. I'm just... I don't know who I am or what I'm going to do. In order for me to move out, I need a new job as I don't earn enough to live on my own and I don't know anyone I can house-share with (I won't house share with strangers - been there, done that). I'm about to lose my home, my job, everything, and I have no idea what to do.

Tracey,
Welcome to Wikivorce. I'm sorry to hear how things are going for you at the moment.

From the outside looking in, it seems that your husband is not exactly making a huge effort to make things work himself, but it seems that you are feeling all the guilt and blame for both of you. Any successful marriage (who the hell am I to comment! ) is built on mutual compromise and support and it seems that you are not getting a lot of either.

Is he earning enough that he could keep both of you through some period of re-training to allow you to completely change your career? Have you talked to him about your career options?

Have you looked at any kind of relationship counseling, like Relate? I wonder if your husband doesn't really understand where you are coming from. The question is, does he want to? Is he prepared to work with you to make it work?

Although you don't feel like it at the moment, you may find it useful to look at the Wikivorce step-by-step guide to divorce (Resources Menu at top of page). It lays out clearly the who, how, what and when of the process.

If you look around here at wikivorce and read some of the blogs of people that have gone through hell and come back, you will realise that there is always another angle. Another way to look at and deal with things.

Eqaully, many here have found it extremely beneficial to write a blog, telling their story. It has helped them to get things into a perspective where they feel able to DO something positive to make their lives better. For my own part, I can look at what I wrote six months ago and see that I am improving and moving forwards.

Whatever you decide to do, you will find a warm and supportive community here who will give you that lift or virtual hug to face life's challenges and start to deal with them. Sneak into the chat room and see what goes on. It gets a bit silly sometimes, but it is simply people just like you letting their hair down and being themselves, without fear of criticism, disapproval or judgement.

So welcome aboard Tracey, take care of yourself and keep posting.

Mike

Hi Tracy

Sorry that you are at the place you are. Its shocking and scary at the least.

As Mike says there is a great amount of info, support and guidance available here.

Its still really early days, so dont get overwhelmed by the big picture, take little steps and deal with each day at a time and looking after you. It takes two and theres probably still a lot of talking to do.

Big hugs and take care x