Divorcing an Alcoholic

Alcoholics are deceitful, manipulative and impossible to deal with.

I'm delighted to be getting divorced from my alcoholic wife, and I'm happy to give her a fair settlement.

But she has twisted the facts to make me look bad.

I'm facing having to pay her costs, and soon a visit to court to fight being kicked out the house.

In dealing with her alcoholism, I quickly discovered that unless you have had first hand experience, you are unprepared for the deceit.

I'm very worried that the divorce courts will be skewed in her favour as she spins her web of lies

Is there anything I can do? Can I demand medical reports, for example?

Zoltan,

been there, going through it ... as are others on this forum .. so you are not alone.

My advice to you is to stay fair, stay honest and rely on hard evidence. Collect every bit of paperwork you can and don't get drawn into tit for tat arguments - that just gets unpleasant and expensive.

The finances are dealt with on the basis of who needs what, who has what and who contributed what - and things like length of marriage etc are a factor. See below sig for Section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act which sets it out. A judge in financial proceedings has very little interest in who did what and whose fault things are - except in very extreme circumstances.

If she - like my stbx - wants to rely on her "illness" - as a key factor in terms of her "needs" - then yes, you can indeed ask for a medical report - and I would suggest you make sure you have one from a treating specialist, not just a GP.

I do not see why you should have to pay her costs. Changes in the way things work mean that each side pays their own in Ancillary Relief (the financial) proceedings - unless there is serious litigation misconduct by one side - and that is more than just being a bit late sending in the paperwork.

You may agree to pay the divorce costs - the court fees - if you are the applicant. Probably easier than trying to get her to pay half - and sounds like it could be a bargain!

Not sure on what grounds you are facing being kicked out of the house. Perhaps you would tell us a bit more about your circumstances? How long have you been married/cohabiting, are there children, how old are you both etc. And if you want us to help with the financial stuff you will need to post information about house value, investments, pensions savings etc.

I know from experience that not having him in my life any more has been an immense relief - and it has made a big difference to the children as well. All I want now is to get the finances sorted and I can finally be free of his self centred behaviour for good.

Hadenoughnow
(see below for MCA)

Matrimonial Causes Act 1973
The matters that will typically concern the parties most during divorce will be the division of the matrimonial assets. The legislation that gives the court the power to resolve the matrimonial assets and financial matters, including the value of retirement benefits of any pension arrangements, if the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 (MCA 73).

In particular section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 sets out the principles where it is the duty of the court to decide whether to exercise its powers and to have regard to achieving a Clean Break between the parties as well as to have regard to all circumstances of the case including the following matters:

• The income, earning capacity, property and other financial resources which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future including;

• The financial needs, obligations and responsibilities which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future;

• The standard of living enjoyed by the family before the breakdown of the marriage;

• The age of each party to the marriage and the duration of the marriage;

• Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties to the marriage;

• The contributions made by each of the parties to the welfare of the family, including any contribution made by looking after the home or caring for the family;

• The value to either of the parties to the marriage of any benefit (this can include pension arrangements) that (as a result of the divorce) the party will loose the chance of acquiring.

Where there are children of the marriage the court will want to ensure the parties maintain their obligation and responsibilities until the children cease to be dependent. This may mean making arrangements for children such as continued maintenance so it is not possible to achieve a clean break.

There have been amendments made to the MCA 73 to reflect the needs of the former spouse to secure retirement benefits on divorce. Section 166 of the Pensions Act 1995 introduced earmarking and inserted sections 25B to 25D of the MCA 73. The MCA 73 has been further amended by section 19 and 21 of the Welfare Reform and Pensions Act 1999 (WRPA) that introduced pension sharing as well as requiring an earmarking order to be expressed as a percentage.

Thanks for your quick reply

Her alcoholism destroyed our marriage. We have been in separate bedrooms for over two years. I could just about put up with it until last July when she stopped working and took to the sofa, daytime tv, and cider.

I am being divorced for adultery, of course, and not defending it. My friends and family have realised how unhappy her alcoholism has made me and have finally seen through her deceit.

We are still in the same house with Decree Nisi approaching. I have the only income and belive I can afford to buy her out and set her up in a modest one bed flat. Her solicitor has advised her not to enter into any negotiations and they are now looking to have me kicked out.

The initial letter alledges that she is becoming ill by my presence. And that I am controlling and intimidating.

I can only say that this is not true.

I am happy to stand in any court and explain all this.

My desperate concern is that she is an expert at being a victim and I will end up badly wronged here. My observation that only people with first hand experience of alcoholism could see through the lies.

The form E had a section allowing comment on the other persons conduct 'in exeptional circumstances'. My solicitor advised me to leave it blank, and I did. I am beginning to regret this.

Zoltan,

You have my sympathy.

Adultery: - are you in another relationship - or are you just admitting this so you can get a divorce?

Same house: - have you any other options? WOuld you want to stay in this house or could it be sold so you can both have a new place? I think it is pretty hard to have someone kicked out unless there is serious intimidation etc going on. If I was you I would keep a diary .. or better still think about moving out for the sake of your sanity. Could you afford to keep up the mortage and rent somewhere? YOu do not mention children. I assume there are none?

Income: If you were not there providing for her, she would have to apply for benefits.

I assume she is on Legal Aid. It sounds like her solicitor is doing what my stbx's is - making out he is a poor sick man who is in need of protection when the truth is that yes, he does have health problems but if anyone is exploiting that, it is his legal aid lawyers who are making shedloads out of this.

Stay calm and controlled. If allegations are made against you they must have evidence to back them up. No court is going to make decision based on hearsay and supposition. Remain scrupulously fair and honest in all things. Just as in my stbx's case, sooner or later it will become clear that only one of you is telling the truth .. and that person is the one with the evidence to back it up.

It is not a good idea to get into claim and counter claim about behaviour. Unless there is a serious financial implication it is best avoided. However if she has put stuff down on her form, you may ask questions about it when you draw up the questionnaire at First Hearing - although remember it is unlikely to be relevant to the financial settlement so sometimes a dignified silence is the best course of action. You know the truth .. and it sounds like your friends and family are beginning to realise it too.

How long have you been married/together?

Hadenoughnow

I have a new relationship with a lady whose first husband died of alcoholism. Instant soulmates!

There are no kids involved.

I'm in the military and have other options, I could move into Mess accomodation, but that creates another problem:-

Its my suspicion that she doesn't really want a divorce! She wants to carry on drinking and watching daytime tv. With me out the way she could employ stalling tactics and it could drag on forever.

With her knowledge and consent I got the house valued, and was surprised to find it worth £30,000 less than I thought. This caused hysterical anger and accusations. All she has to do is get a second valuation. She hasn't, and that was 3 weeks ago. It doesn't fit in with her victim status.

There are only two options regarding the marital home. Either I buy her out, or we sell up. I prefer the former, so getting kicked out the house is counter productive.

The atmosphere is unpleasant but not unbearable. She should be on benefits but can't be bothered. I can't close the joint account because she would do anything to feed her addiction. I spend most of my time in Afghanistan so my sanity is surviving.

She is not on Legal Aid. We have Premium Bonds in both our names and she is selling hers in blocks of £1000 (joint savings!)

We were in the same room when I opened the letter saying if I didn't leave the house in 7 days I would be subject to an 'Occupation Order'. I asked her if this is what she really wanted, she replied 'No' and that she would contact her solicitor in the morning. But she did and its back on again, I can't prove it, but I know that her solicitor has crossed the line here!

When the letter arrived again, I asked her to get a separate bank account - as I would need to pay her an interim income, as I would quite reasonably be cancelling standing orders for Sky Tv, Utility Bills, Council Tax, TV License etc. I was accused of threats and intimidation and she was straight on the phone to the solicitor.

She is an accomplished victim. Pre divorce proceedings, I gave her an ultimatum about her alcoholism, and she has ended up on therapy for depression, with me as part of the problem. I'm sure her GP and therapist have realised she is an alcoholic, but thats all medical-in-confidence.

Zoltan .. just a quickie as am heading out to pick up car .. will respond in detail later.

1: It comes to something when being on active service in Afghanistan is a respite !!!

2; There is little point her being treated for depression as long as she is drinking - but you know that. The court can - and will - order a medical report.

Hadenoughnow

Nice weather in Afghanistan, I'm off back there next Monday.

This Occupation Order is going to waste a couple of thousand pounds. But as it mentions illness, it might be a blessing in disguise - medical reports.

Google/Wikipaedia suggests that a 'Liver Function Test' is what will prove it once and for all.

Remeber - my main reason for posting:-

I'm worried that alcoholics are expert at being the victim, and blaming everyone else for their problems. Both the award of costs, and the occupation order suggest that the courts have assumed that I am everything she alledges. A control freak, bully, intimidating and the casuse of her illness.

Its just not true.

I keep having this waking dream that I'm stood in court, in shock, telling the judge he is not qualified to decide on our case. As I'm dragged down to the cells, for contempt.