Please Help - Need Advice Desperately

I think its over. She cannot come to terms with the fact I helped my secretary with her house move without telling her. There was & is no relationship with my secretary - absolutely nothing - never was. I apologised sincerely, promised nothing similar will ever happen but she will not stop bringing it up. I am very very happy in Swindon, fantastic job as Financial Director and have always put my three daughters and wife first. We have a huge mortgage and loans that I can barely afford (wife wanted these things). My wife insists I sack my secetary or leave my job (find a better one). I've looked and applied but no luck.

I spend a lot of my time with my three girls (actually more one2one quality time then my wife).

My wife has called my Secetary and accused her of having an affair with me. What do I do? I cannot go on with her one moment everything being fine and next day accusing me again. I am close to suicide. Right now I can not even afford rented accomodation & if I leave & would have nothing. I want my kids, I want for them to be happy & I want to spend time with them but I want to be able to live away from my wife (she does not work - has opted not to). But she will make life difficult for me if I decided to leave despite that I have no money. She may even take them away from the area.

What can I do. She will not discuss these matters. I have done everything I can to make it work. I cook, clean, DIY, play with kids, help with homework, take them to trips, do outings together and much more but it is not enough for her. I don't know what she wants. I have told her that I am 100% for the family & only contact with Secetary is professional & it is. My wife has even insisted that we take our three girls out of school because the secetarys children also go there.

As far as I am concerend, she can have the house, the cars, everything, but all I want is enough money to live & to look after my children (give them the best). I don't have anyone else in my life - never have had and at this point my sole focus is my kids.

What is my next step - please help with some advice - what should I do - what can I do.

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After another huge row where my wife smashed up my car, I managed to calm her down. She walked out (without the children) and did not come back for two weeks. For the sake of my children and mainly because I don't have anyone else I can trust to look after them, I've pleaded with her and she is back & things seem kind-of normal. We have had a holiday together (She said that we did not spend enough time together as a family - Another loan). Things are quiet but I feel the issue will be back. How do I sack a secetary who has done nothing wrong. If my wife decides to leave again, It has to conclude in Divorce (I can't take any more) but I would like her to sign something giving me custody of the kids and the house, etc. (my wife has said that she does not want anything associated with me). Are there any free downloads you can advice. That way I can sell up, reduce my outgoings, afford a nanny for my three girls, etc.

Please help - Very Desperate.

I am terrified of what will happen next week/next month...

Tamit,
Welcome to Wikivorce. Sounds like you are going through hell at the moment.

Your wife appears to be behaving in a very unreasonable manner, although I can see that helping the secretary move house has not helped you at all.

First question - Do you want to stay with your wife?

If so, you both need to get some marriage counselling. Quickly. You need to understand what she is expecting from life, the marriage and you personally. She needs to understand that you cannot get a quart out of a pint pot. Sounds like she is in the 'live for today' mindset where all these loans will magically disappear.

Does your wife work? If not, then the secratary thing takes on more significance. She is at home all day doing domestic chores and thinking about what you are getting up to.

How old are your daughters? How old are you and your wife? How practical would it be for you to carry on working and pay for childcare?

If your wife decides to upsticks and leave, has she considered how she will afford to house herself and live?

So many questions, but DON'T PANIC! Nothing is insoluble. Some things are a little harder, take longer and cost more. But there is always a way.

Keep calm, and take every day one at a time.

Mike

Thank you so much for replying. I am crying while writing this because it is nice to feel someone cares.

Your not the first who has said my wife is behaving unreasonably.

Too much has happened and I don't want to stay with her any more but I am staying and will stay for the sake of the family. She has hurt me too much and she is also becomming very angry with the kids. She will not do councelling. I have tried but she gets very angry and issues start all over again.

My wife does not work. We opted to give kids 100%. I have tried to understand her emotions but she does not seem to accept what I do or say. Nothing seems to make a difference. She sometimes calls me five times a day to check if I am at work and has even made me leave meetings with the Director. She has had nothing at all to indicate that I have done anything wrong but seems to want to find something.

We are 39 and 40. Daughters are 3,7 and 9.

If she leaves, I have no idea what she will do but I think it is a serious possibility because even today she was getting very irritated again and I am scared.

I have no problem paying for childcare and carrying on working. I am very comfortable I could do this all (I know it will be very hard to get it settled and working so that daughters are happy). However I would need to sell some things quickly and cheaply to pay off loans including house.

What I don't want to happen is that she walks or throws me out and I am in a catch 22 situation and can do nothing (as I have no money). Everything is in joint names and thats why I asked if there was any documents or templates I could use and ask her nicely to sign so that I can make progress if the inevitable happens. More then once I have thought about suicide but I could not do that to the kids. She would have everything but the kids would suffer.

Thank you again.

Hi Tamit,

Welcome to Wikivorce.

The community here is open to all and is full of caring and supportive people who have been through what you are going through now.

We will be here for as long as you need us.

From experience can i just say that the thing that has proven time and again to be a great help for people such as yourself who are very low - is the Wikivorce chat room.

We often see people arrive in chat at a very low ebb. The mix of friendly banter and caring support in the chat room has been a real tonic for some.

Why not pop in and say hello?

Take care.

Hi Tamit

Read your post and I am wondering how long has your wife been like this. You have obviously been together for a while going by the childrens ages.

Have you always had a volatile relationship or is this more recent. Could she be suffering from depression or something?

You sound so desperate, I know how that feels, keep talking on wiki you'll find people always willing to listen or give advice.

salina

Tamit,
Sounds like she is the one that needs some help. However it also seems that she is the last one likely to realise this. OK, no easy answers here. No simple template of agreements to sign over this, that or the other.

I think that you are going to have to give it to her between the eyes that she cannot continue to behave like she is doing.

You cannot be at her beck and call when you are working in a senior professional job.

Likewise she cannot continue to spend money on the never-never on an aspirational whim.

If she continues to threaten leaving, then tell her to go and offer to help HER to move. But ask her how she will fund her lifestyle. And how will SHE fund her part of the JOINT debt? Because if it is in joint name, she is jointly and severally liable for them, and the lenders will pursue both of you until the debt is cleared.

Do you have the benfit of family local to you to help out with short-term childcare if she did walk?

I think you have to start making contingency plans now. She sounds like an unexploded bomb waiting to go off. Does she have any kind of mental heatlth issues? Depression? Anxiety? Is this behaviour only recent, or has all of this been building for some time?

I'm torn between thinking your wife has some serious problems and thinking she is a nasty person.

What do you think might be wrong?

Mike

hello tamit,i just wanted to tell you to stick with wiki,i know how you are feeling,i dont know what i would have done without this site,but you will get all the help,info and support you could wish for,and i agree go to the chat room its a lifesaver.....hope things get better for you..........smoker