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Hello I'm new! New here and new to divorce!

4 months ago my husband decided he didn't love me anymore and left after not quite 2 years of marriage.

It was a total bolt out of the blue for me I had no idea he was unhappy, he never mentioned a thing and he had little explanation for me as to why it was over, just that he felt we had grown apart and rarely had sex.

I went through the next few weeks in a bit of a daze going through every conversation we'd had in recently weeks, when we had last been intimate together, why hadn't we been more often and generally just wondering what I had done wrong. I came to the conclusion that the failure was equal responsibility for both of us, we had just stopped trying, found entertainment elsewhere (ie. hobbies, work, etc).

After a couple of weeks I noticed a rather interesting picture on facebook, a joint friend had commented on a picture of my husband and another woman looking rather friendly with each other (just hugging nothing pornographic!)taken 1 week before he dumped me!

A few months on I've come to terms with my failed marriage, we're not on speaking terms, he intimidates me as he has a hot temper which worries me, he's good at arguements so I try and steer clear. He's not told me he's seeing somebody, I had hoped he might bring it up.

I don't want to be friends with my ex when everything is settled (house sold and divorce finalised), infact I don't want him to know anything about me, I plan to move away when this is done. I feel badly treated, I just can't forgive him for not telling me how he was feeling earlier, at a time when we could have done something about it.

He received the divorce petition a couple of weeks back, I assume he's signed and return them as we had previously agreed that I would divorce him and he would consent.

SC

PS. we have no kids, just a joint mortgage, we've agreed 50/50 on everything.

Hi suzanne,

Welcome to Wikivorce. A lot of people here understand how you feel, having been to that place of self-analysis - the what? why? when? etc etc. Even after a relatively short marriage, the feelings of hurt, anger, mistrust are terribly raw. I guess like many of us here, you are in the self-rediscovery phase, where we try to find that person we were before the relationship that went so badly wrong.

Good that you seem to be on track for a fair and reasonable financial settlement, though believe nothing until the ink is dry on the Consent Order!

Best of luck on your journey here. You will find a supportive group of like minded people, who really have been there and worn the t-shirt.

The chatroom is a great place to get to know a few people here - a little daft in the evenings, but just tell people that they are new and learn to butt in!

Many find it helpful to write a blog. It really feels good to get the emotions out and I certainly find I can look back and see how much I have moved on personally over a period of time.

Welcome aboard.

Mike

Hi,

Sorry to hear the pain, anger, emotianal rollar coaster ride that you are /have been going through.. like mentioned in previous post, alot (and me me me!) have been through it... the anger, denial, hurt etc...

You mentioned the 50/50 split.. but can I just throw an ore into the works.. when I split up with my ex, we agreed to be amicable.. but as soon as solicitors got involved.. her true colour soon emered... what a money hungry lass she turned out to be.

From past experience... do not trust the syste.. it can become an expensive affair... mine should have been a clean divorce.. no kids... 11 months of marriage.. and it has gone into the 1000's as she (and solicitors) are wanting to get as much out of me as possible.

Good luck

Another month on......

Divorce is progressing, I've received the acknowledgement of service so I'm going to be seeing my solicitor to complete the nisi application.

We've not had any contact which is good, there is nothing we need to discuss right now and it keeps me feeling alot more calmer and not so wound up.

I'm still having trouble with the fact that our marriage is over, even had the neighbour asking if I had started dating again - wtf! I think this will say with me for a long time but I understand these things happen although I know I will never be able to forgive my husband for not talking to me about his concerns before up and leaving, I also can't forgive adultery.

I am very hopeful that in the not too distant future I can be at some kind of peace with what has happened.

I am looking forward to moving on with my life, once the house is sold (although he thinks I'm getting this great benefit of living in the house, I just see it as a tie to our old life and to him, whereas it appears he is moving on leaps and strides!).

Once this is over and we are divorced I do not plan leave a forwarding address, I don't want him to know anything about me, where I am going and what I am going to do. He's always liked to be in control but he's slowly loosing that which I think he hates.

50/50 split is still on the cards but his attitude towards this is already very telling, whats his is his, what ours is probably his too and he wants everything he wants and my opinion doesn't really count! LOL Everything now appears to have a value even our 5 year old computer! We've not discussed everything in detail yet but I'm slowly prepairing myself to let it go and walk away if necessary. Furniture can be replaced. There are a few pieces that I would like only because I brought into the relationship, and we seem have at least that understanding.

I am going to start collecting items for my new home, alot of stuff we have is getting quite old and can be inexpensively replaced so I think that is what I'm going to do, whilst I still have some disposible income and it means I can just walk away from arguments over stuff.

I feel like I have more control in my life (despite living somewhere he has access and appears to wait for me to go out and goes in), I've reconnected with friends and family and realise they are so important.

I think I like my single life because I can do what suits and I think I'm going to be happy eventually. It was hard to be selfish early on but following the advice of my mum I realise it was the best thing I could do - what is good for me? what do I want? and I think if I didn't do that I wouldn't be where I am today.

Thanks for listening!!

S

Hi

I have just read your story and it sounds like mine apart from my husband had a six week affair. He announced that he didnt love me too and had been feeling like this for six months. Why dont they talk to us before it is too late. I am so angry at him for this,I feel like I have lost my marriage due to a communication break down and that just seems stupid.

People keep telling me time will heal but at the moment I cant even think about that, everything is so strange being on my own again after 10 years together is such a shock.

Although our marriage wasn't as long as yours, being on my own after 5 years is very strange, I'm having to make decisions that I thought I would never had to make alone - ie where will I live, etc. I'm pissed off that he didn't talk to me, OK I didn't talk to him either.

I hate that he went off with another woman as just before we got married we discussed adultery and decided it would be the worst thing either of us could do and it would end our marriage if either of us strayed. I know I stayed completely faithful (actually so faithful friends have had to tell me when men come on to me because I don't realise!!).

I hope your starting to get your head sorted, if its something you could forgive maybe you could try and work it out with him and fix things?

my husband left saying that he didnt love me anymore he needed a break, yadda yadda- turns out he was having an affair. I am not sure that it is entirely a communication breakdown that led to this.

I think that my stbx has reinvented history for the most part to justify his affair. If he were to admit that it was fixable by talking then he would also have to admit that he had less then reasonable motives for leaving. Instead it is easier to cast himself as the victim to try and justify his actions which made me feel worse in the process.

18 months on and here are the truths I know;-

1. Life had reached a tough stage (kids jobs chores etc)
2. The new girl presented excitement, youth, challenge.
3. It was too hard to cope with real life.
4. It was too hard to admit this.
5. It was easy to blame me, reinvent history, make up lies.

It is weakness and selfishness in its purest form and it is not your fault and you cannot do anything to change that in their character. There was and is nothing you can/could have done.

It is so hard to get through this and still feel good about yourself, afterall they seem to have such a happy new existence with the new girlfriend and you have loneliness and regret.

Accept that currently it is not fair but then we cannot expect life to be fair, it is arbitary.

Remember that bad things do happen to good people. Why? I do not know. Good things happen to bad people, again, who the hell knows why?

Take care of you at all times