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Hi Guys,

Well, something that I have learned since joining this community is that a lot of different people have very similar stories to tell.

Six weeks ago, my husband of 18 years admitted out of the blue that no, he no longer loved me and his feelings had changed. Ok... we had not been getting on for a few months, but I had put this down to the pressures of work and a loss of work/life balance on his part. This was a common theme in our marriage and not a new situation!

He is still adamant that there is no-one else involved and although, if it was anyone else, I would be sceptical ... because I know him inside out, I believe him ... as do his family.

Again, I feel cheated that he let the situation get to the stage where he felt his only option was to leave me and his kids and begin again. If only he had talked to me before, I KNOW that we could have come back from the brink. He says he has tried, but I maintain that you can't try to fix a relationship when only one of you has an idea of the problem.

Whether it is denial, guilt or whatever, it seems a common theme that they re-write their history, the conversations you have or have not had and shut down emotionally, leaving you eternally searching for answers to those millions of questions. I am only just realising that I may never get the answers I crave and must learn to accept the situation as it is.

A friend commented today how unfair it is that you have to have two people in agreement to get married but only one to end it. .... how true that it is.

I can echo this story, it is the same as mine.

12 years married, orginally told we had drifted apart but soon woke up to the fact that there was someone else.

I am only four weeks into this. I have seen a solicitor and am prepared to divorce on the grounds of adultery.

But I am angry that it is me that it now seems has to do all the work, sort finances, see solicitors, petition for divorce, while he is off living his life! Although he remains in the marital home.

Do you divorce quick, get it done so you can move on! or do you make it a hard as possible for him to make a new life..?

i have evidence of adultery (but he doesn't know this yet!) and he is denying it as he is strapped for cash and is relying on me giving him a 50/50 split. however, he has said he would admit adultery but not if i named the other person.?! dont get the logic!

your advice on divorce or wait it out, as some of you are a bit further down the line, would be great.


many thanks
kit

Incidentally he promised me there was nobody else and this was one of the first things he told his family, didn't think much of it at the time not until I found the pictures. Not told anybody about them (other than my friends and family), I thought I'd just keep it to myself for the time being!

It makes no difference to the financial split if he has committed adultery; and dragging out the process to 'get back' at him could cost you money - something to think about.

I totally agree which is why I'm not divorcing on adultery I am doing it on his UB. He would never admit adultery so there is no point wasting my time and energy. Sometimes I want a bit of 'justice/own back' but that isn't the way to do it, I don't want to stoop to his levels so I've kept myself very sensible and not done anything, just kept really quiet.

Kit,

What is more important to you, making the best of your life or making you xtb's life hell?

Proof (as opposed to evidence) of adultery would be a photograph of actual penetration with the relevant party being identifiable, however usually people do a deal and admit to it if they're not chased for costs.

Naming the other person is a waste of time. When I started proceedings, I too felt the moral outrage and insisted the man be named and then realised that the costs of involving him in the proceedings were increasing and the actual effect on the divorce was a big fat zero! So I gave up and he was quietly dropped from the paperwork.

What might be a good idea is to see what the two of you can agree between you about your relationship, before going down the divorce route.

My personal view is that adultery doesn't end a marriage. Adultery is a symptom of what COULD end a marriage and it is worth exploring that.

YA

My divorce is all done and dusted and as there was no love left for the last few years then I did not ride the emotional rollercoaster that you lot appear to be on.

It isn't nice experiencing low moments in your life but try and look at it this way. You can only fully appreciate good moments in your life when you have a yardstick to measure them against.