Introduction and anxious over financial settlement

Hi, I was with my soon to be ex for nearly 25 - childhood sweethearts - thought we'd be together forever; 4 kids; 18 down to 12.

Anyway, back in end of 05 he was v stressed at work - dealing with disturbed children. By 06 he was not well and having night terrors - in denial. I got his mum down and got him to doctor. Upshot was he thought i was having him sectioned. He ran away and as he left he screamed abuse at me - told me he had never loved me.

I was totally and utterly devastated and in total shock. One day he was my husband and the next he was a stranger who slept for over year on sofa. He did end up receiving psychiatric care which I fought for. In that time he was still working; would drink; spend long hours away; tried to kill himself; cut his finger off etc etc. I loved and supported him and our children all the way through.

It was only towards the end of 06 that I wondered if he was having an affair. To cut the tale short - he was. He left on 20th May 07 and moved in with her. You can I imagine picture the months after.In fact, to add insult, he had been having an affair prior to him becoming mentally ill! I started divorce 23rd July 07 and he refused to sign papers - eventually he did.

He is sometimes awful and has even 'broken in' to take things even a year on. He takes the moral high ground with me because I spent sometime on dating sites.

I have struggled financially even though i teach fulltime - i receive nothing from him financially. He doesn't work. I've had to turn down mediation because I can't afford £200 per mediation session. It's going to have to be handled by solicitors. I live in matrimonial home. I want to buy him out and have it so that all maintenance due is taken into account and I can keep that money in the house, if that makes sense.

O there's loads of it - but I'm going on a bit for an introduction - I'm just very anxious about the division of property; he tells such lies - I was even investigated by social services as he and his gf said I wasn't looking after children properly (all unsubstantiated of course)and I just don't trust what he might do or say.

I'm in new relationship and am scared that this bit will drag on and on just like getting the initial divorce underway did.

Thanks for reading this; and if I've rambled it's because I'm tired x

Lark,

You poor thing. You have my every sympathy. Your story is very similar to mine in many ways .. and sadly mirrors the experience of many others on this site.

Mental health and alcohol issues are a nightmare to deal with - especially when you have children (I have 3 similar ages to yours).

There has been much discussion in other threads about the way alcohol in particular turns someone into a selfish irrational liar. You say you fought for him to get help - snap - but in the end there is very little you can do if they won't help themselves. It is also a pattern of behaviour that people with these problems turn on the one person who has stood by them .. and as their partner you end up demonised and blamed for everything that has happened. They see their new partner as the "answer" to all of their problems but in time that person too may well suffer the same. Be glad you do not have to put up with that any more... although that attitude does make the whole ancillary relief process more complicated because they just do not see anyone's needs apart from their own. Mine too has 'broken in' when he knew I was away and helped himself to stuff ... and eavesdropped on emails etc etc - very unsettling. If he had asked he could have had whatever he wanted.

There are lots of people on here who can help you with advice about the financial settlement - which in the end has nothing really to do with who did what but all to do with who has what needs ... and you have 4 children to consider. Like you I have received no financial help and my stbx does not work. It sounds like mediation - although it is a good plan for rational people - would not be an option in your case. Be warned though - solicitors can be very expensive so it is a good idea to take on as much of the work as you feel able to handle yourself. Ask questions here about what you need to do and you will get lots of support. You can use a solicitor only when you really need one to keep the costs down. There is always a danger - if he gets legal aid as mine has - that you will end up being jumped through (expensive) hoops because he does not believe it is costing him anything - but in the end it will because he will have to pay something towards it.

Put together a list of what you know you have - value of home, size of mortgage, any endowments, savings, pensions other assets etc and then you can start to work out what may be a fair settlement - taking into account housing and income needs for you and the children .. and housing needs for him. You can start by crunching the numbers into the wiki calculator and then ask us questions on here to clarify. Make sure you have copies of every relevant bit of paperwork and put them in a place where he cannot access them.

Good luck ... and you know where we are.

Hadenoughnow

O bless you,

I wish I had joined a site like this months and months ago. I'm sorry that you are able to empathise with me but so glad for your insightful advice. I keep seeing the word 'stbx' - what's it mean exactly? I will take on board your advice; my solicitor has asked for various documents - I want to keep as much as possible in the house for myself and the children and I will ask lots of questions on this site and use the calculator.

Thanks everso much - I hope things are going ok for you now

lark x x

lark,

I too wish wiki had been around when all this started for me. I am very glad to have found it when I did.

STBX or s2bx = soon to be ex!

Your solicitor will want you to fill in a form E. You can download it and fill it in yourself. Certainly worth looking at and making sure you have all the necessary info then fill in and just give to your sol to check. Don't let them fill it in - V expensive hobby! People on here will be happy to help and advise if you get stuck on anything. One thing that could be significant is any pension he may have - make sure you know about it.

Pop into chat sometime - there are always people in there ready to listen and even if you don't have much to say it can really cheer you up. And if you want to talk privately, you can always send me a PM.

Me - I am heading for FH and sincerely hoping he will be seen as the selfish person he is and that the judge will understand why he became so impossible to live with .. or even to talk to!

Hadenoughnow

LOL! i consider him my ex already! I hope you get satisfication at FH - sounds like ur stbx is as twisted at mine - can't believe the crap he comes out with . . . and IM the hurt party!!

Anyway, I've downloaded Form E and the details that go with it and I will get straight on with that - so thank you x x

I don't know bout you but I think my stbx is possibly jealous that he didn't destroy me and that I found quite a lovely life after! Tough! Text rows - they're not easy!

Have a good week and I wish you well

Thanks again

Larkx