Going through hell!

Hi - I am 41 and married with two boys aged 15 and 11. My story starts when my husband took a job in China on a year's contract. He had been made redundant four years earlier and was self-employed for the last four with lots of stress and money issues etc. so decided to take this job for some financial security for us as a family. His mother who had abandoned him as a child had also died during this period and it had left him very depressed. Anyway I went out to visit him in March this year after being apart for three months to find out he was texting another woman and had a photo of her on his phone and pc - he claimed they were just friends - I was devastated and returned home early. Unfortunately my 15 year old knows the situation and was devestated too - in the middle of his GSCEs aswell. I explained to my youngest that Mum and Dad just needed time to think about their future together. He came back to UK 2 weeks ago to visit children and talk to me about the future and was a completely different person. He did not stay at the house because I thought it would be too upsetting for all of us. He is drinking, doesn't know who he is anymore, says his head is all over the place. I know he was in contact with this person while he was over here and found an E mail on his account that he had sent her two weeks after I left China saying he had missed her the night before and couldn't wait to see her that night for a kiss and a cuddle. He has now returned to his job and I know he is still seeing her - she is 28 and he is 46 - my problem is although I think I want to divorce I am unable to do this while he is the other side of the world as his salary pays all the household bills, mortgage etc. I work part-time and only earn £600 a month. I am in agony imagining them together and he denies there is anything going on! I weigh 7 and a half stone and am having trouble eating and sleeping. The doctor has put me on anti-depressants after being on sleeping tablets for six weeks which help a bit but I don't know what way to turn - perhaps I should just wait until he comes back and then demand a divorce? He has always been a loving, adoring husband and a good dad to my children. Is this a mid-life crisis or am I just making excuses for him?

Hi Linda Sorry to hear you are going through hell,
I am going through the same kind of hell too so please believe it when I say you are not alone. The "mid life crisis" may well be happening, I was told by my Husband that this is what he was going through-the fact that he is now leaving me and our two children ( 17 & 19 ) and going to a woman with younger children leaves me a little unsure!! Everyone has a different story to tell but the similarities are always there..the age difference..sneeky txt & emails? I think you will know in your heart what the real truth is? I too am worried about money and the fact that our Son's are being told next weekend after the last of their exams, but the main fact for me is that I no longer know this man I have been with for 26 years and most importantly I no longer trust him? Any relationship without trust is very hard. You said that he has had some issues to deal with so maybe he needs some professional help? With help he may get better? If he does then perhaps you can sort this out? I hope this helps you and please don't feel you need to go through this hell on your own, this site is amazing, there are some lovely people here who will support, advice and help you as they are doing for me, so keep writing,blogging is great too! Take care
M

Dear M

Thank u for your kind words and I am sorry to hear you are going through such a terrible situation too. I have asked him to get counselling now that he is back at work and he said he might but he doesn't think anyone can help him. I feel as you say that I don't know this man anymore. I also don't think he will end up with her as she is Chinese but when he returns I will be left thinking would he have been with her long term if he could. I don't think I can ever trust him again but am so scared of the financial impact on my two beautiful boys.

Linda

Hi, I am also new to this, but your story has subtle simarlarities to mine.
All I know is that once you think you might want a divorce, that is often the case.
Go with your instinct, I have three children under five, although he didn't have an affair, he borrowed large amounts of money, could be agressive etc....
Don't be scared you can get through this, just listen to your own voice and be honest, it took me years to finally admit that I didn't want the life I had with him. I am totally scared too but know that this is the right path!

linda,
I know you are going through a terrible time,money is a big worry.When I found out my husband was having an affair I had to make that decision and I decided to stay and now 19yrs down the line we are divorcing .My children have all the financial comfort money can buy but the elder one ,she is 24 ,has not forgiven me for taking that option.So you will never know what is the right thing to do.At that time staying was the best .After all the promises nothing changed.
Just do not rush into things,allow yourself time to greive.Decide when you can think rationally and above all talk to someone who has your best interest at heart,something I never did .I was too ashame to let others know what was going on.

Hi Wonderwoman

For the first couple of months all I could think about was us getting back together to the life we had before all this happened but as time goes on and with his self-destruct attitude I am feeling that we could never get back to what we once had. My children are changed forever now anyway and I wonder if he would cause them more harm by being here. He is also running up credit card debt over there which he claims is company business and will be re-imbursed soon! I have seen a solicitor who gave half an hours free advice and he has said that I wouldn't be liable for this debt as it is in his name and has been run up abroad but ultimately it will have to come out of the pot if we do split.

Thanks for listening

Linda

Marria

Thank you for your support. Your story made me want to cry for you as I am sure you thought what you were doing was the best for your children but I wonder if we hurt them more. My 15 year old who is very angry with his Dad (who by the way took my son out and told him this woman was just a friend and he had been silly!) has said to me 'I think you deserve to be treated better than that Mum'. He cannot see the long term implications though in terms of having to go without things financially which he has never really had to do. I don't know - it's all such a mess.

Linda