Not sure I should be here

Hello

I have been married for 13 yrs and we have 3 daughters. The middle child is severely disabled.

I have had a lot of hard times in this marriage and felt unappreciated and criticised over and over.

He will not do therapy, and even if he did, he would either pretend or ignore whatever the therapist says. He is totally against the idea of outsiders knowing his business. He would be annoyed to think that I am posting for help online like this.

When we've had rows and I have been so low that I tell him I cannot live like this any more and might have to leave him, he says he will stop working so he has no income for me to claim, or that he will destroy me. He always apologises later for saying things like this saying he was just speaking out of anger and i shouldn't take those things seriously.

I am worried though. I have not discussed separation or divorce with him. I just want to learn about my options before I make a decision what to do. I'd appreciate any advice from here. Thanks.

Hi Brigid

Welcome to Wikivorce and you are in the right place for some advice, support and help. Even if its just to get things off your chest or read about other peoples situations.

There are lots of people here who will be able to offer you a lot of advice and ideas on legally where you stand and many more who understand emotionally how you are feeling.

Its a really friendly place, great company when you are feeling low or lonely (and when you are happy)

Please do not take on board any of the threats that your husband makes in anger or entertain any thoughts that you are not doing just as valuable work for the family (if not more) You are doing a really valuable, caring and loving role for your children and be sure to recognise that in yourself x

He cannot destroy you, he is using all the words and tactics of a controlling person and I know it is the hardest thing to do when you have been together so long, but please ignore and dismiss these threats.

You need to talk to him seriously and calmly about your feelings, that you are unahppy and suggest again if you could both talk about your problems. Its not always too late. If you have talked to him about how you are feeling and he refuses to see the problem, only YOU can decided whether its time emotionally to make decisions.

Legally there is lots of help here and other people will be able to help with practical and legal questions you may have.

Keep posting and I am sure you will find help and friendly advice xx

take care

Hi bridge. None of us should be here. But welcolm all the same. Dont worry what yr OH says. Its upto you what U do and you should be commended for doing such a good job bringing up yr kids. Options. Thats a hard one. That will depend on what you have and what you want. But 13 years is a long time. I wouldnt just chuck yr marriage away. But I would start with talking to him. Write it all down if you have to and see where you go from there. All is not lost. No one has betrayed anyone else (at least I hope) and it may be that you both need to see relate. But at the end of the day its upto you. Best ones F

Brigid,
Not sure you should be here? Awww. Do you need some help, someone to talk to, someone to listen, someone to show a different perspective? Then you are in exactly the right place. Welcome to Wikivorce. Divorce avoidance is infinitely preferable to dealing with the aftermath of divorce, if it is at all possible. We are not exponents of 'this is how to do it'. We prefer 'this is how to try to start making things better', whether that involves divorce or not.

Your situation is sadly familiar, perhaps more extreme than some, but not dissimilar to many. Parenting a severley disbaled child along with another 2 deserves at least several medals, if not a full blown sainthood. It is very, very hard. My nephew was severely brain injured as a result of medical negligence during a routine medical procedure and in caring for him as she does, I consider my sister is the closest thing to a saint I know on this earth.

Your high earning husband has forgotten the basic premise that he can only go out and be a high earner BECAUSE you pick up all the rest of the slack with the children and home. 'Lazy sponge' strikes me as akin to 'arrogant b*st*rd'.

Considering your position from the outside, it seems that your husband is a bit of a controlling type, who probably has no idea of his current and future obligations, should things degrade to a separation or divorce.

Suffice to say that as the primary carer for your children and having been married for 13 years, you would command a significant split of the marital assets - much more than 50%. Your daughter's special needs would require yet further financial consideration. As the barest minimum, he would be required to hand over 25% of his nett income to you as child support.

With three young children, any divorce court would be obliged to consider the housing needs of the children as a priority and might even direct that you and the children stay in the family home until the children reach the age of majority, paid for by him. Depending on the severity of your daughters needs, that might be even longer.

But without a huge amount more detail, it is impossible to say what a court might decide. Suffice to say your husband's assertions are primarily hot air.

But it is early days to be considering such things. Perhaps there is a way of gettin your husband to wake up and see what he is about to lose and what it is going to cost him. Maybe that is the wakeup call he needs.

Regardless, welcome and please keep posting for help and advice from a great community here. A lot of people here know exactly how you are feeling.

Mike

Hi Brigid

When I realised my marriage was over, I had no idea what to do. then I found this place, and for around 5 months, came and read the posts and blogs. This gave me hope. Eventually, when we seperated, I joined the site,and have been made to feel so welcome and safe. The information and help I have received gave me strength.

You are in the right place, but Im sorry you are here.

take care

Ruby xx

Hi & welcome Brigid

I hope you'll keep posting because youll receive great help and support.

My story is not as extreme as yours but the "lazy sponge" hit home. Despite working full time and running a house I got "this house is a mess" "I cant find anything in this house" quite a lot. It was always said/shouted with venom. He lived there too and it was never a mess.

Take care, you are in the right place

Tinny

Brigid,

He sounds like a very angry man. Perhaps he is disappointed with the ways things have turned out - but no-one asks for a child to be disabled for example - it is not what we would write in our life plan - but a child is a child and needs to be loved and supported. It sounds like you have done .. and are doing .. a fantastic job for your children. I am no pyschologist but my guess would be that he perhaps sees your involvement with the children as somehow excluding him ... and maybe he sees himself as simply a meal ticket - or thinks that is how you view him? Not fair I am sure - but am trying to put myself in his shoes and work out why he is behaving as he is.

If you could get him to some sort of counselling - Relate,or similar - maybe that would help you to communicate better? If he really is not up for that, is there anyone who could look after the girls while you spend some time together even? Perhaps then you could at least have time to talk properly.

It sounds to me like you are both in survival mode .. and although that is admirable, it is not doing your relatonship any good. If there is a way to repair your relationship - and start communicating as people rather than just stressed parents that is a far easier option than separation and divorce. Try to remember what it is/was you loved about him and what he loves/loved about you .. and see if there is some way to at least build some bridges between you.

Good Luck .. and you know where we are if you need to talk.

Hadenoughnow