Feeling Bereaved

My husband (15yrs cohabiting in marital home, 8 married, 2 children) has recently announced he wants to separate. He has been working abroad for 18mths after taking a job with a big promotion.
I still love him although I'm not 'in love' with him, I want us to try to work through this. We have had a rough time on and off over the past 4 years, it seems now we want different things in life (me family, him career).....

I would like us both to go to relate but he refuses saying he knows his own mind and doesn;t want it 'F***ed about by someone', if I go on my own will it help me work through this?

We have had a great marriage but little by little we stopped working at it and alot of resentment built up when he took this job.

I feel numb and very weepy, he is manic, bullying and immpossble to talk to rationally. I feel he will regret this decision in the future but I don't know if I could go through this again if he does.

Hi bluesky your situation sounds like mine been together for 20 years, married for 14, one child and he has always worked away. We both drifted apart but then he went and had an affair in 2006. I forgave him and we were ok for a year now he has said he wants to leave and I feel the same as you.

I think he may regret it in the future but I am coming to the conclusion that I need to think about myself and move on with my life and stop waiting for him to wake up.

I think you need to start thinking about yourself and how you are going to move on. My husband wouldn’t go to relate either he said it wouldn’t help.

Don’t know about your s2bx but mine has big problems expressing his feelings and talking about them is very difficult.

Hope you find some help and suport on here and it helps you throught the hard time ahead.

Hello jude6168
Yours does sound a familiar story although no affair (I'm aware of) aside being in love with his work/new status. He came back this time and was being awful, dismissive, bullying and with a load of work to do that should have been done whilst away from the family. I challenged him and triggered the separation response.

I thought we were moving towards a resolution of the working abroad, him applying for 2 new jobs in the UK recently, one he got but turned down because his title couldn't be transfered the other is still a possibility but he is now saying he now wants this new life abroad without family life. He has met new people abroad that are massaging his ego and telling him how wonderful he is (which he reminds me of). Thankfully I kept my career going although went part-time when the children came along so have treaded water - promotion wise.

He is a very jealous person and finds it difficult to empathise with others. He will walk away from a situation/person rather than resolve it. He loves his kids though.

Its really difficult to know what to do next. He has now gone for another 5 weeks but we have agreed to meet without the children to discuss separation (him) resolution (me) when he returns.

Waiting in limbo is destroying me so I have started to seek out advice about possible financial outcomes for separation. What I need to do next. The difficulty will be in arranging contact, how are you dealing with that?

I know I can cope on my own I have done continuously for the last 18 mths when he has been coming back once every 5 weeks(all family is elsewhere in the country). The threat of separation has really thrown me though, and I worry about its effects on our sons.

Hello Jude

My story has similarities to yours - husband went off in January to work abroad - have since found out he is having an affair which he denies of course even though I have a hard copy of an E Mail which he sent to this woman. My dilema is that he is there until the end of the year and in the meantime I am reliant on his salary to pay all household bills etc as I only work part-time and have two boys 15 and 11. One of my main concerns has been that if I could find a way to forgive him when he returns that he would do something similar to your husband a year or so down the road. I am in complete limbo and feel like my world has been smashed apart. I have gained alot of strength from this site and I hope you do too.

Linda

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Hello Jude and Linda

I'm so glad I found this site - and thanks for your posts.


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I know what you mean about the affects on children every time he goes away our son thinks he is never coming back. I know how much he has hurt me and that’s bad but hurting our son is unforgivable. It his birthday tomorrow and his dad is making a big fuss about flying back for 1 night to see him. I know I should be happy that he is coming but I am not looking forward to it.

I understand that you want to sort things out with your husband and it may be possible but just speaking from my experience the more I tried and the more reasonable I was the less he wanted to be here. I think it made him feel guilty. He said "I know you love me and would do anything for me but I am just not happy here" His affair ended when we got back together and as far as I know that is still the case. He is having a classic case of midlife crisis.

You have to be honest with yourself and ask why you want to sort out your marriage. Does he still love you? Dose he make you happy? Does he consider your feelings? Would he put in the effort to sort things out?

My husband said yes to all the above after the affair but didn’t really say sorry or put the effort in to fixing things only telling me all the things that were wrong with me and not taking any responsibility himself.

You can't fix things on your own hard as that is to except its true.

Know the feeling, but if he is away and you don't want to start the process yet in case all works out ok, I would like to be so bold as to make a suggestion - one I never did but wished I had.
Try to start saving! Even £5 a week by the end of the year will be a little saving - it mounts up quick and then in a few years if it all goes pear shaped you'll have this little nestegg to *unfortunately* pay a bill or keep for emergencies. If all works out ok you can treat yourself to something nice.

I hope you feel better soon, and all works out ok.
hugs
Carrie