Feeling Bereaved

Dear Jude

At the moment our boys have not been told of a possible change in family circumstances....even though their dad has been working away for extended periods they have a pretty good relationship and speak almost every day via the computer.

I worry they will be traumatised by the separation even though the day to day situation will not have changed. I feel s2bx will need to come back more frequently than now to reassure them and give me some respite from 24/7 primary care. He seems to have taken the view they are happy, in a good school with loads of friends and will not see much difference. How can he not see the damage heading our way? Maybe it makes him feel too guilty to think about it.

But you are right though about asking those questions, I can't fix it on my own, I think we do still both love each other but are not 'in love', he does make me happy when we get on but its been less nad less frequently, s2bx veers between not considering my feelings at all and being sulky and stubborn to coming up with solutions (that never seems to work out). I would be prepared to make the effort but I thik he is not prepared, or maybe he would but on his terms. Many of my doubts rest with his lack of empathy whihch makes me feel alienated.

I worry about how to organise contact for the children given he is in another country. As the situation was meant to be temporary (ie us living in separate countries) I have done the lions share, now I want contact to be regular and not when he can fit it in. This will have an additional strain on finances as well.

Oh what a mess, you put your points across very well though. It stopped my weeping and started the practical thinking going!

thanks
x

Keep thinking and be strong. If you can fix things that’s fantastic but don’t be blinded and think about yourself. You are important!!!!

I hope it works out for you.

The signs were there for me and I didn’t see them. I send you a hug and lots of people are here for you. Just remember you are not alone.
((((((((hug)))))))

really really be careful he sounds like my ex2b a clever bullying manipulator.don't leave yourself and the children vulnerable.be careful agreeing to anything he says .he sounds like myex2b who had a plan to implement and in order to do so they try and get you to come round to their way of thinking.which all sounds sensible.I accepted what my ex2b told me one day i checked the boot of his car and found he had divorce papers made out to me 6 mths b4 he left.i found an address in there it was the new woman's.I got a private detective to confirm my fears.I almost agreed to move out of the house and a whole host of things that sounded reasonable and sensible looking back he was trying to stitch me up like a kipper.

That hug felt good! and thanks for our perspective jelly4toes, Its such a relief to talk to others who know, and who are maybe creating a path through their own experience, not something I can make head nor tail of at the moment.

My s2bx is manipulative, self obsessed and selfish although he really does not see this.....his childhood/family suffered at the hands of his parents' mental illness and money worries. He left home very young and got away, his brothers are still at home (aged 45 and 33). His self reliance/self protection at a young age has turned into a situation where he has to be right and that means control/selfishness in adult life. It also goes along with his career choice. I knew that all along but when times were happier that reality was softened.

I can't believe how much my feelings are swinging around but posting on here is helping me get a sense of what is real right here and now. Not who we were when we met 15yrs ago.

I just can't believe he doesn't want to try but maybe that might be a blessing in disguise in the long term.

Hope its sunny where you are, I'm going to take a big lungfull of fresh air!

x

it sounds as if would rather be right than happy wheras you would rather be happy than right.thats why you feel the confusion because it all goes against those principles that you both had right at the beginning.keep posting you will come thru it and be able to hold your hand out to the next person.

Thats exactly it jelly4toes......he just can't see it