Confused - I've told him I don't love him

Cate, you mentioned your husband made you give up the affair and the other guy says he'll wait, and that's a very hard place to be in. In the end you have to make decisions for yourself, perhaps with some help from a good counsellor. Your husband would probably benefit from it too, as they will be neutral and help both of you gain some clarity. Good luck.

We are actually going for counselling tonight...I don't know whether its a good idea or not. We tend not to talk about it otherwise but the emotions are pretty raw on my side and confusing with, Mr X, shall we say, wanting to wait on the side wings. He says he wants me and the children but something prevents me from jumping ship. I have some reservations about a relationship with Mr X...just very different ones from my marriage. But I have no sexual feelings toward my husband which is very difficult. I can't see a change in that ...which makes me think whats the point? The children are the point. But should we stay together just for them?? We don't argue, we get on most of the time, but it is loveless, and that doesn't seem right. So will see how the counselling goes.......Thanks.

Cate,

I hope that your session gives you an opportunity to speak with an open heart and mind, its difficult to accept that your marriage has come to an end, if that is where you are heading, no matter what the circumstances.

Good luck,

GM

I'm probably biased in this but it means I bring the other perspective. I've been in your husbands position.

The one piece of advice I would give, is try! If you both try and find out it cant be resolved you can both move on. Please dont do what my husband did to me and present your other half with a fait accomplis. If both parties are given the facts and the opportunity to try and work it out but it still fails ... there can be no recriminations.

In my case, I am bitter and hurt because I wasnt given the opportunity to try .... for our children if nothing else.

It may not have worked for us .... but it might have ... I will always have that hanging over me.

We went for counselling and I found it very painful to even talk about the affair...Mr X is still trying to contact me and I have said it is over. But the very fact that he is still around and I still do have strong feelings there is complicated. I have sort of got myself in an impossible situation. He fullfills needs which my marriage doesn't but neither him or my husband, at the moment, make me fully happy. I think I am going through a mid-life crisis scenario. The counsellor recommended I see him on a one-to one next week so we will see if I feel any better after that. The same will be offered to hub. I can't sleep after these sessions and feel bad. He just wants things back how they were years ago but even that, for me, wasn't right. The counsellor was trying to help him understand that you can't go back.only forward to something different...whether that is going to mean it works for us or not. But I am willing to give it a try. I just have major issues because I don't feel any emotion toward hub at the moment and we don't really talk. Never have properly. We don't argue either. Just get on with day to day living. Not enjoyng life...well, I'm not and it's all very sad and makes me cry.

Cate-
I'd just like to let you know that I know exactly how you feel. I spent months agonising over a similar same situation - a husband, a Mr X, (except no kids so I guess that's different, especially as that seems to be the crux of your decision). The three of us waited in this horrible, horrible vacuum for months- waiting for me to decide what to do.

I made every decision possible- went to be with Mr X, ended it with Mr X, ended it with husband, got back with husband, left both of them, talked to both of them...I hurt everyone involved, including myself.

The latest is that I ended it with Mr X even though I loved him. I went to counselling. My husband wanted things how they used to be but that wouldn't have made me happy. Neither man makes be fully happy. I cried and cried and cried. But for some reason I just couldn't let go of my husband. He is a lovely person. I comitted to marriage. There was nothing horribly wrong- I just wasn't happy. But I wondered if that's how life is- does it just become less happy?

The point is, I don't have any answers but I just want to try to give you some consolation that I know how you feel. I understand and I've been there. It's an agonising, dark place to be, but you're not alone. I'm wandering around in that dark place too. x

Thanks for your understanding. Are you still with your husband now and trying to work things through or now divorced? If you are divorced, do you miss your marriage?

Thanks
Cate