Confused - I've told him I don't love him

Hi
I am new to all this and my tale is long and complicated...my own fault I guess...who else is to blame really?

I will start at the beginning. My husband and I met 12 years ago at work and dated after about 6 months. Things were good and he moved in with me. I was in my early twenties with my first house etc and felt in control of my life. After a couple of years and him moving in we decided to move to a better area and get a bigger house etc. I lost sleep over this as to me i was losing the independence I had. But we found a great place and settled down. About this time his job changed and he started travelling more away from home - I remember missing him like mad but managing. My job was also busy but didn't involve so much overnight travel. The next progression was marriage - we had the house, had travelled well to lovely long distance destinations and I thought it was as good as things got. Lovely bloke, quite god looking, good job, well mannered, good potential Dad etc. So we married - that's now 7 years ago.

Our first son was born two years after we married and a second soon 2 and half years after that. We were both busy with the children and tired but somewhere along the line I feel we ceased being a couple. If we went out, which was rare due to the cost, pressure etc of small kids, he would wonder off to talk to his mates leaving my standing about making small talk. I began to dislike evenings out and prefer to go out with girlfriends but I hasten to add I am not the type to go out 'on the pull'. He stopped paying me attention working late nights on the computer and working hard at his job to secure finances for us as a family. I said I wasn't happy and would prefer to spend more time together but it didn't happen. We don't live close to my parents and his help sometimes but I have never really gelled with them.

At one very low point on my 30th birthday I went out with friends from work, got very drunk and ended up kissing a friend and neighbour quite out of the blue who we had been talking with in town. Over the next couple of years this happened now and again if we bumped into each other and we saw quite a bit of each other when home with our kids. He was married with two children. We had a lot of emotionally stuff in common and easily chatted but if I'm honest I could see where it was leading and did nothing to stop it. We had an affair and his wife accused him and me and we denied it. It ended. They divorced.

My husband stood by me but I think he knew something had gone on. We tried to carry on as if nothing had happened and rarely talk about personal issues...the common cause of relationship breakdown I now know. We had a third child - a girl so now I two boys aged 5 and 2.5 and a girl who is 1yr.

After the birth of my baby girl my friend and I re-aquainted quite by chance and the feelings were all still there, if not more so. He was now divorced after a bitter split from his ex and living closeby for his kids. I often wonder if he had moved away would that have helped - probably not.

My problem now is that I have finally talked as honestly as I think we ever will with my husband about me not being in love with him. We haven't had sex since the conception of our daughter and i have strayed into the arms of my friend again. I feel so quilty and my hunsband now knows about my affair but not quite how long it has been going on. My husband wants to make ammends but I don't see how. I don't love him. He says it will come back. Does that ever happen?? I have never felt as happy or relaxed as I am when I am with my friend but i am conscious that it is not in the context of everyday living so is bound to appear more appealing. He is will ing to take me on with my baggage as he says he has never loved anyone as much as me - not even his now ex-wife of 17yrs. She still lives across the road so I can imagine the back lash from a relationship with her ex! I can't say I would blame her. At least now, 2 years on she has a new partner but we don't speak to each other at all.

I keep stressing about the kids and my husband keeps saying I will ruin their lives and should just stay with him for them. Surely that cant be good??


I need help. The man I love I am not with and yet I can't quite call it a day with my husband because of the kids. I have finished the affair but he says he will wait for me.

Help?? Very confused very sad and lonely. If I stay I think I will end up getting drunk every time I go out and telling everyone how unhappy I am.

Cate

Hiya Cate,

Thank you for the frank post. You seem to be able to look at your situation with a 'bird's eye view' which indicates to me that you maybe confused, but are fully able to detach yourself from it. I just mention that this is a good thing, as there are many people on here who are so involved in a maelstrom of emotions that they can't see the wood for the trees.

You say you need help. The only help I can offer you are two questions I asked myself when I finally had to admit that my marriage was not working :
1) are you living a life of "quiet despair" ? In other words, everything on the outside seems fine and you can cope with daily life as it is, but your inner self is screaming 'there is something wrong and I can't see the end of it'
Subsidiary question : when you look at your husband and you think this is the person with whom I am going to spend the rest of my life with - can I stand going through this ?
2) is the grass greener on the other side ? You are intelligent enough to realise that up to now life with your friend has been more of a holiday, a release and a break from daily living than anything else.

You know what I am going to say next, don't you ?

You and you alone know the answers to the above questions which to me are the lithmus tests of a relationship. We can help you see more clearly at wiki, but the decision has to be yours.

( There is of course a third solution : an open marriage. Seems fine in theory, but unless all the people involved are of a similar frame of mind, it is a heartache recipe all round )

May I suggest something which sounds very trite, but can help no end. A holiday.
Far away geographically. On your own.
Distance helps to consolidate thought.
Now I don't know if you can arrange this from a childcare or a financial point of view, but I would encourage you to think about it seriously.

I also would try and talk to your husband. This seems like such a simple sentence, doesn't it ? And yet I know from bitter experience that if the other party does not want to talk to you, you might as well hit your head against a wall.
It sounds as if your husband may be ready to talk, but may not be ready to accept what he is going to hear.

If you need more impartial advice, send me a private message.
All the best
Red XX

Hey Cate,

Its horrendous isnt it? Its far far better for kids to have two parents, definately and i'd never reccomend throwing away a marriage without having a bloody good go at sorting out your issues if you can.

Having said that, its far better for kids in my view to have two parents who love them and get on, but live apart than to grow up in a home where they know mum and dad don't love each other, and dont get on - and they grow to think thats normal and replicate that in their own relationships...

I think Red is right, take some time away to think about it. Have you considered counselling as well? I thought it was a load of rubbish before i went, but it helps you think...

I hope it works out well for you, Good Luck!

Chris

Thanks for listening I think I want to say. I have been feeling like a wound up spring for several years and it was wrong with hindsight to go on and have two more children. But I thought if I distracted myself with 'life' and what is expected of my then perhaps it would all be ok. And I know that when I look at my husband I feel...hollow and empty. Where once I felt love or something like it now I feel , well, not much. That's so wrong. So whilst I can function day to day and everyone on the outside will tell me how lucky I am to have a husband with a great job, his own business now, good cars, lovely children etc etc I am screaming inside. The person I used to be is gone and I don't want that to go on forever. My husband is not willing to give up. I wrote him a letter last November starting to explain why I feel like I do and how I have fallen out of love with him and then when he found out about the affair (not the best way I know but I just couldn't tell him) we have talked more frankly again but I feel he is not really listening or perhaps not wanting to listen to what I am saying. I thought if I'm honest that when he found out about the affair he would say enough is enough but he didn't do that. He made me stop contact with my friend and I am hurting and very sad. I try not to show this to the children and carry on as usual and I can see this just going on and on this way. How long will he think this way of living is normal????

Cate

Hiya Cate,

Thank you for the frank post. You seem to be able to look at your situation with a 'bird's eye view' which indicates to me that you maybe confused, but are fully able to detach yourself from it. I just mention that this is a good thing, as there are many people on here who are so involved in a maelstrom of emotions that they can't see the wood for the trees.

You say you need help. The only help I can offer you are two questions I asked myself when I finally had to admit that my marriage was not working :
1) are you living a life of "quiet despair" ? In other words, everything on the outside seems fine and you can cope with daily life as it is, but your inner self is screaming 'there is something wrong and I can't see the end of it'
Subsidiary question : when you look at your husband and you think this is the person with whom I am going to spend the rest of my life with - can I stand going through this ?
2) is the grass greener on the other side ? You are intelligent enough to realise that up to now life with your friend has been more of a holiday, a release and a break from daily living than anything else.

You know what I am going to say next, don't you ?

You and you alone know the answers to the above questions which to me are the lithmus tests of a relationship. We can help you see more clearly at wiki, but the decision has to be yours.

( There is of course a third solution : an open marriage. Seems fine in theory, but unless all the people involved are of a similar frame of mind, it is a heartache recipe all round )

May I suggest something which sounds very trite, but can help no end. A holiday.
Far away geographically. On your own.
Distance helps to consolidate thought.
Now I don't know if you can arrange this from a childcare or a financial point of view, but I would encourage you to think about it seriously.

I also would try and talk to your husband. This seems like such a simple sentence, doesn't it ? And yet I know from bitter experience that if the other party does not want to talk to you, you might as well hit your head against a wall.
It sounds as if your husband may be ready to talk, but may not be ready to accept what he is going to hear.

If you need more impartial advice, send me a private message.
All the best
Red XX

Hi Cate,

my situation is so similar to yours it's quite astounding. Except I'm now further down that road.

You have to be true to yourself. Yes the children will be affected but they will survive and one day might understand. You meanwhile are not dead yet and entitled to be happy as is your husband. And you're not. Your children are not daft they will pick up on all the hollowness and sham you feel and what that will do to them, who knows.

Only you have the answers deep down and you will find them.

I couldn't live in the sham after 17 years. i got out last year and my soon to be ex and I are friendly. We would have destroyed each other eventually. My daughter who is 5 is coping and lives 50/50 with us both (which has it's own problems). I live with my partner, who was my neighbour and I couldn't be happier. I am so glad I jumped. Be strong, be brave best wishes PP x

Its funny isnt it? You go on with life because that seems like the decent and nice thing to do, have kids, try and make everyone happy... And then you slowly realise that no matter how much you put up with actually no-ones happy....


If it helps, the minute I made the decision to split was the minute I began to become less stressed and became more like the fun person I was before i became so unhappy...

You'll make the right decision to you I'm sure - listen to your instincts, they're usually right

Chris