help needed please!

Hi

Can someone poss help with this question I haven't noticed anyone else mention this problem.

I am married to a man for 14 years who suffers from bipolar (manic depression) we have 3 children aged 4,7 and 12. I have to finally admit that I no longer love him and I cannot cope with his illness. He was diagnosed just after I had first child but is still in denial, although he does take medication he still has a problem dealing with it.

I have been very supportive and caring but to the detriment of myself and it is affecting the children also. I wonder if anyone can advise on whether our circumstances are different to most because of his illness (despite it he is breadwinner I am stay at home mum).

Will the assets be split more in his favour because of his illness?
Would he need a solicitor who specialises in mental health or can he use any solicitor?
Would I have to disclose his illness to my solicitor and would it benefit me more to do so?
Sorry if I sound cold, but only someone who has lived with this may understand

Thanks in advance

Sadsally

Hi SSally welcome to Wiki

If you are going to be the one looking after the children then you will get a larger share of the assests. I would suggest you make an appointment with a solicitor who does the free 30 mins to find out how you stand or speak to the CAB they have a legal person who can also give you advice. other than that to get an immediate divorce may be a Little difficult I think, there may be others one here who are in the same boat as you and they may tellyou waht they did and support you as best they can

Max

Hi there

To answer your questions in short:

1. The needs of the children have to come first, so no, his illness does not give him a priority claim;

2. He doesnt need a specialist solicitor other than a specialist family solicitor. Family lawyers often act for people with mental health difficulties and we watch out for signs of deterioration. If worst comes to the worst, we get a psychiatrist to complete a certificate that a client is or isnt competent to give instructions. If they are not comepetent a "next friend" is appointed to give the instructions, which in family cases is often the Official Solicitor.

3. You should disclose his illness so the solicitor knows what he is dealing with;

You dont sound cold at all, you are entitled to be worried and entitled to seek information.

Good luck with it.

Amanda

Thank you both for replying I know this is going to be so complicated and I am very worried about the outcome. Although I don't want to be with him I also worry his health and his ability to move on and make a life for himself.

I am unfortunate in that I do not have a support network and I don't find the mental health team helpful because he can function normally in life ie, he is self employed so works etc but he denies having an illness so any interaction from the MHT is rejected.

I am frightened he will rack up a load of debt and make my chances of keeping a roof over our heads impossible.

I wonder if it's possible I can take some joint savings and put it in my account to protect it from being spent recklessly?

Thanks again

Sadsally

Hi Sally

Im afraid Im not going to be much help on the practical side like of things, but wanted to let you know that I do understand what it to live with someone who is mentally ill, but refuses treatment.
My x2b is an alcoholic, and suffers from severe depression. he too, refused to believe that a) he had a drinking problem and b) he had a mental illness. Despite the amount of help that was available to him, he wasnt interested - he wasnt ill or addicted, you see..... I too, had no support network around me, and struggled to cope with him, and bringing up my 2 children.
What always amazed me was the amount of support and help that was on offer for him, and others like him, but none at all for the partners and family who have to live with them. it seems somewhat unbalanced to me, we too need support, dont we?

If you are at all worried about him spending recklessly, then prehaps it would be better for you to move some money into your own account to safe keeping, and to ensure the bills, etc are paid.

You are not alone now, here at Wiki, we support each other, regardless, and I, for one, and eternally grateful for the support and care shown to me from the lovely people on here. Pop into the chatroom sometime, you will be made very welcome.

Take care,

Ruby xx

Sally,

I am another who has experience of living with mental health problems ... and like you I realised enough was enough.

The mental health services do not seem geared up to support family members - I remember being sent to see a woman who was supposed to offering me support who actually seemed even more stressed than I was an ended up crying on my shoulder:S

In your position my biggest worry would be his ability to continue to provide financial support.

You will need to look carefully at your financial positions - list all the assets you have and then post for advice on how they can be split to allow a fair settlement. You may well find you need to look at part time work - 16 hours a week would be enough for you to claim various tax credits etc.

I would also in your shoes quietly move spare money from the joint account - you will have to declare it eventually but better in your account than at risk of being spent by him. I think if you officially separate you should let the bank know and maybe even freeze the joint account - take some legal advice on this maybe?

I am sure some people think I am cold about my stbx. I would describe it as a mixture of self preservation .. and compassion fatigue.

And BTW you DO have a support network now .. not much use when it comes to practical stuff like childcare but we do a good line in listening if you need it .. and we can help you with some of the scary legal stuff too.

Take care

Hadenoughnow