This is going to be so hard.

Hi - I'm Alice.

It's a week tomorrow that my husband finally realised he had crossed a line and left the marital home.

In that week I have, with clarity and hindsight, realised that much of our relationship involves intimidation, control and bullying on his part. At the same time, day to day we both love our kids work hard, have a laugh together and enjoy our sex life.

But - when it's bad it's too bad. Abuse is a hard word to say out loud when explaining your actions to your friends and family - but that's exactly what it is. So, day to day we get on and have a good family atmosphere. Two beautiful intelligent boys, good jobs and a lovely home. So why is that not enough for him? Why, maybe once or twice a year does he hit me? Why does he verbally abuse, spit at and humiliate me? Why does he tell me if only I loved him more? Because I finally realise he is mentally ill and it's not about me, but him.

Strange but everyone thinks we are a lovely family - a great couple together. They don't hear the sarcasm, put downs and criticisms I live with. They don't realise that sex is starting to be used as a source of manipulation. They don't know that 2 or 3 times in our 13 year marriage I have had to defend myself physically from my 16 stone husband. Defend myself I have for I have never been really scared of him - I have stood toe to toe and told him he is weak - I have hit back when I have been hit. I didn't see myself as a victim - I thought I was strong to stand up to him. I have only just realised that I shouldn't have had too.

He says he is stressed and yes he is under pressure at work. But that is not my fault. Yes he has been worried that his Dad could be seriously ill. But that is not my fault. Yes he got bullied as a kid. But that is also not my fault. I have spent so long feeling sorry for him and trying to make it better for him that I forgot that he is responsible for himself.

I am 37 years old - married for 13 years - together 17. Nearly half my life. I gave him my heart, body and soul and he took it and squeezed it until it hurt so much I knew I had to do something. Sadly, I couldn't do it for me.

Our eldest son is intelligent, sensitive, funny and kind. My husband has started to crush his confidence, put him down, make him not know who to be. Light bulb moment - "Drop dead, F****** Bitch!" shouted in front of the kids. Kids crying and eldest son saying "he shouldn't call you that!" This is sober at teatime - all I did was stuck up for my eldest when he was picking at him. How amy parent can be so out of control of their emotions that at that time they don't care about hurting their innocent children - sick, despicable and unacceptable.

He knew I mean't it. He went without too much fuss - he is intelligent enough to know that that was so so wrong.

He is making sounds of going to the Dr about his stress and being depressed. I know in my heart now I have made this stand that its too late. Too many years, too many chances. I don't love him anymore. But he does think he loves me - his head is so screwed he can't see that he doesn't respect and cherish me - he didn't keep his half of the wedding vows.

But the good times were ok and I used to really love him. The kids haven't witnessed much thank God and are really confused. My eldest son begged me to take him back this evening. I have never done anything so hard in my life to tell him No. His heart is breaking and it would be so easy to try again - but the cycle has to stop. It's hard to explain why without tarnishing his relationship with his Dad.

I think my husband is giving me breathing space as he knows he has been vile. I don't think he will see that it is more deep rooted than everyday stresses. He seriously needs some help with sorting out his feelings. I want him to acknowledge that I tried hard but deserved better. It is all so sad. Sorry this has been so long.

hi, one thing i have realised having found this site .. in the past week or so, is that there are always people out there far worse that my situation.. despite my feelings. reading your post has made me realise this even more. you are so brave in your actions, taking a stand and listening to your heart over your head.. or the otherway round - it is difficulty to distinguish at times. I imagine for the first time in years. You did not go on, you expressed pent up emotions - a brief synopsis of where you are at - to a community that doesnt know your husband or you so will not be there to cast aspertions or second guess problems. this is a really good site to get stuff off your chest and share experiences, when you feel, if like I, that you dont want to talk to your nearerst or dearest as that just is too raw at this present time. Bless you, you sound in a very difficult place but perhaps you have made the break you have been really seeking. If that is so, it may be a difficult path but your decision to do so is yours for a reason (and in mho is a sound move). Whatever you do, Ive found just by reading other peoples experiences/trauma etc that you get a sence of "not alone" and if you ask you usually get some kind of support or sense or just opinion you are seeking. Be strong, your boys will understand and you are there for one another. Sorry, now i seem to be waffling on.. thats wine for you (prob account for terrible spelling to as who gives two hoots!)

Hope all goes well.

Alice,

Don't be sorry about the length of your post. YOu express how you feel so eloquently and I am sure a lot of people will share and understand your feelings.

Welcome to Wiki.You are among friends. Many people on here have been through what you are going through now - and know only too well what it is like to live with emotional and physical abuse.

Well done for standing up for yourself and your children. Like you the moment came when I realised it was my children who were being damaged, It is a powerful force that mothering instinct. You will need that power in the months to come. Stay strong

HAdenoughnow

Hi Alice,
welcome to Wikki.Sorry to read about the traumatic life you have had to suffer.
I have not suffered physical abuse but after 34 years of emotional abuse I can understand how you feel and where you're at.my x too turned on my/our children if he couldn't get at me.They are both adults now and I am sickened and guilt ridden with their experiences they are now finally sharing with me.episodes which occurred whilst I was at work many years ago when they too were emotionally abused by him.I have to at the moment let some of the guilt go or else I'll never get past it, but that I will have to deal with after the divorce is finally finished and he's out of my/our lives forever.
I felt better when I finally told someone about my life and that's where Wikki has helped me.It was no longer something I had to endure alone.
posting(talking) on here has been my lifeline.it has helped me regain my self esteem,rebuilt my self confidence(I had none) and given me the strength to get divorced and survive it.
Still dealing with ongoing problems but with the support and advice on Wikki I'll get through it..as will you.
I used to have nights when in the early hours I would be wide awake worrying..and then I'd log on.someone else was always awake and online and would respond to my post.so I wouldn't feel so alone then.that helped me such a lot then in the early days.
So my advice would be ..keep talking...share your concerns, someone will always offer support and advice and take it one step at a time,you'll get there.

Thank you so much all of you for your support.

My son feels torn with loyalty between the both of us. He understands why I need to do it but it still hurts him so much. I think his Dad is promising that we will get back together and I am telling his we won't. He slept in bed with me last night.

The hardest time will be when husband realises it's forever. If he gets angry I can cope with that - it will prove my reasons. But if he cries and begs it will be hard to stay strong. I've looked after him, been loyal and self sacrificed my emotions for so long it would be easier to believe he could change and those happy times will come back. I can't help feeling sorry for him - I know he loves me and the boys - but he has ruined it. Half his problem is inside he doesn't feel good enough for me - trouble his he has now proven it.

As I have said before and no doubt will again storys like this make me ashamed to be a male sometimes.
You sound like you know what you have to do and no matter how much he cries and begs I don't beleive men like this can change.
You are better off without him, to live you own life the way you want, a life free of bully !!

Good luck in the future and here on Wiki you will find all the support you need to help you along the road.

Take care
Broken1