just to say Hi

Isn’t it funny that you think "my divorce is so unique and the separation so traumatic I bet no-one has made the same experience" and then all of sudden you realise there is a whole world of "bewildered dysfunctional divorcees" outside?

I try to make it short since despite the fact that my pain is unique to me the story is not.

I am 46, female, a foreigner. Married for 24 years, two boys 15,12. Good marriage and enjoyed living here for the last 15 years. Last year, the week before Easter, we were out together, had a good time, he grabbed my hand and said: You have no idea how much I love you sometimes.
5 Days later he told me he is leaving me for the “Love of his life", a woman he met 8 weeks earlier.
He grabbed his suitcases, packed them and went. Just clothes, like as he left a hotel. Since then he is living abroad with the *&%#, a Barbie doll, dumb as hell (according to my son). He has no contact with friends, I console regularly his mother.
My completely bewildered kids are having counselling, I do and I got myself a lawyer ASAP. Degree Nisi on adultery is through, just sorting out finances and kids contact.
Life is hell, it’s like I left him. He is aggressive, lies (despite the fact that the opposite is sometimes in writing), is abusive via email, and is on the fourth lawyer (I think the other did not tell him what he wanted to hear). I am polite as can be to him, the nicer I get the meaner he turns. My sol is just applying for contact order, nothing I say satisfies him.
I was so long in the shock phase that my son dragged me to the GP since then good friends watch out for me a bit.
I have not turned an alcoholic, did not restart smoking YEAAAAAAAH and somehow managed to go to University to do another degree (the insomnia nights are good for research). Sometimes I have very senior moments but I think stress does that to you. I moved house (had to, unrelated to it) and seem to get my kids somehow on track. Slowly.
I take things now very easy, don’t push myself, and have learned to ask for help. Oh, and finally after 14 month (my counsellor is pleased as hell) I actually started to get angry.. So be aware of postings in the morning (that’s when lawyers’ letters drop in

I have been reading for quite a while and would like to thank you all and if I can help anyone I would have the feeling I can give back what has been given to me.

HI Stillalive

Welcome to Wiki - home of lost souls! Im sure you will find the support, help, advice and information here a great help to you.

Congrats on not restarting smoking!! I wish I could have said the same

You sound positive, and as though you are getting on with your life - hope and inspiration for us all.

take care

Ruby

You sound positive

sometimes.. when I am okay I sit at the PC and study, when I am not I tend to withdraw. To be perfectly honest life is still a bid of a misty landscape to me, sometimes I can see sun rays, most of the time I watch my footing for I have no idea where I am going..
lets just settle on "I am walking already "

Hi stillalive

You will find a great support crowd here all going through the same, But what i want to know is, and i dont know if there has been a thread, me same as you, told me he loved me ALL the time, took me out, holidays etc. then changed in ONE day!!! Maybe a man can answer this...Please please dont be offended when i ask this, i know there are men going through hell, But it does send us women mad trying to work out why?

And as ArnieS told me, come to term with it, if a relationship fails it is down to both people, but I know that not to be true from the many conversations i have had.

Joy

[code:1]if a relationship fails it is down to both people[/code:1]
thats my pet-hate-sentence
A marriage is conducted by both partners, ups and downs..the end is decided normally by one person

Yes, thinking about why he is behaving that way doesnt help, esp since until today the only reason he left was " I have not introduced him to new people in the last two years"
However since he has not worked out why he went in the first place I am pretty sure the *&%# makes sure he has no time to think if it was right to go and behave like this.
But its not only men who behave like this. I am in another chat as well.. we have men with Runawaywifes as well.. leaving after decades hubby and sometimes the kids.
The pattern are all the same from:
" I love you but I am not in love with you anymore"
to " I never loved you in the first place" to " take me back I only love you" further down to" No, even the dog is happy when you are gone" and so on.
Even the what they call "gaslightning" (after that old movie) the " No, I never said that you are going paranoid" when you have it in writing is classical.

Mine asked his solictor to counter file for unreasonable behaviour because the divorce ( on adultery)took him too long and he had the feeling I didnt want to go through it and later denied that he ever daid this or that his solitor wrote that letter and it was me who could not get through the divorce fast enough..
Once they are drifting into LadiLaland and are getting vicious, grab your kids and run for your safety. Its like they are sinking and hold onto you and drag you down. If you want to help them make sure you got ground beneath your feet or you are drowning as well.