Hi - new to this and getting desperate!

Hi,
I would like to give you my story in the hopes that there is a way out of the situation!

I seperated from my husband on 28th January 2007 and moved out of the family home on 5th February. The morgage was in joint names with me being the main wage earner. My husbands children lived with us though so we agreed he should stay in the home with them and he would look into getting the morgage in his own name.

He filed for divorce as he said that if I divorced him for unreasonable behaviour then he would fight it and he gets legal aid and I don't.

The problem takes two different directions from here - the house and the divorce.

The House - my ex said that he had been in touch with the mortage company and they had said that if he could pay the mortgage for 12 months then they would consider him in his own name. I kept in touch with him and everything was going well. He is a very proud man and the one thing that he wanted to do was show he could manage financially without me, so I stupidly trusted him when he told me everything was fine. In Dec 2007 I got in touch and said that as soon as he was ready with paperwork for the house to let me know. In January he told me that he was putting his business books in order for the mortage company and would let me know as soon as paperwork in place. This dragged on for a month until he text me at the end of Feb to let me know that he was putting the house on the market as he could not afford it and I would need to sign papers for sale (it was a huge relief!) The biggest clue was that he told me that I would be entitled to half of anything that the house made - I knew there was a problem then as this went totally against his character. I rang the mortage company and found that the last time he had paid the morgage on time and in full had been August 2007 and not only that but that we were in court the following week for a reposession hearing.

I looked into my options - the loan company said that if I could sell the house to cover it's own costs, and could get an agreement from my husband to pay half of the loan secured on it that they would accept the loan as an unsecured loan. I put this to my husband (who still had no idea I knew about the repo) and got no response whatsoever. I looked into moving back into the home and renting out a room but as I had already laid out my money on starting a new life I could not do this.

I went to court for the repo but my husband didn't. All I could do was sit through the hearing, listen to the mortgage companies sympathy for me over the whole situation and let the repo go ahead. The morgage companies solicitor was great with me. That acternoon I txt my husband to ask if the paperwork was ready to sell the house and he told me that when there was something I needed to know - he would let me know.

At this stage the repo is going ahead but the mortgage company seem to be dragging it out. They are still calling me regularly to tell me how much debt is being incurred on the property but they cannot get hold of my husband who has now moved out of the property.

I am currently paying half of the repayments on the loan with the loan company - who are happy to accept that for now but it is looking like I am going to have to pay the lot as they cannot get hold of my husband either.

The divorce - I got my Nisi in August 2007 and have heard nothing since. I spoke to a solicitor who said that I could go to court and ask for a hearing as it had been three months since the Nisi without movement. I have the forms for the court to do that but I have to serve my husband myself and I have no idea where he is. He has stopped responding to texts and I have no idea how to contact him.

My life, apart from this, is great now. The support I got from everyone around me was mindblowing. No-one could understand why I was with him in the first place but couldn't really say anything while I was still with him. I have moved 40 miles away and start a new job in a few months. I have a new partner who is wonderful (and my family and friends love!) I just need to get the divorce and house behind me.

Sory it's so long but it's great to get it all out! Thanks for letting me vent!!

wilma x

Hi wilma
I am so sorry I cant help you with advise regarding the financial side but would like to tell you that you just showed me that there is at least emotionally light at the end of the tunnel. You sound happy with your new life.. a feeling which right now is burried but your word made it stir and reminded me what I can get again if I let it happen. Thanks

Hi Wilma

For a jiont morgage and jiont secured loan you are resonable for half of the debt not all of it, you have the Decree Nisi and have had it a while so as i understand it you can apply to have the nisi made absolute, the application form is D36 this can still be done even when you dont know where your soon to be ex is.

More importantly well done you have a new life new job to start your happy and a new partner

dukey

Stillalive - thank you for your support. There is certainly light at the end of the tunnel. It took me about 12 months to even swear about my ex as I was too ridden with guilt for leaving. One of the main things that spurred me on though was the idea that I could now fulfill who I was not who I was in a marriage. I treated my life as a blank canvas and worked to be excited about it. Whatever the reason a marriage ends - it's a negative. You have to see the way ahead as a positive (although that can be very hard). I don't mean to make it sound easy as I know it's not but this is the rest of your life and if there was ever anything worth working for - that is it.

Dukey - thank you. I am not sure what the form is that I have to apply for the absolute but the courts told me that I have to apply for a hearing to get my absolute and the hearing is with my husband who I have to serve. If you have any more details can you let me know? Also - I think that legally, finance companies can chase both of you but ultimately as an individual you are responsible for the clearing of the debt - especially for the sake of your credit reference (which as you can imagine is through the floor at this point in time.) Again, if you know more, please let me know - and - thank you.

Hi Wilma
good to hear your personal side of things has happy ending at least if not the finance.
I am 4 weeks down the line of discovering affair by husband which he denies, which adds insult to injury and has me questioning my ability to make sense of things, and sanity.
not sure how things are going to progress, but feeling very very raw, and cried and cried when i saw a counsellor last week in attempt to try and gain strength and maintain sanity during the proceedings to come. I have two amazing young adult children who have been arock to me. Terrified of what the future does or doesn't hold, married nearly 25 years, and trusted him for every single day of those. I am NOT going to beat myself up for being 'the last to know' I'd rather be straight forward and honest, rather than cheating and deceiving. I've done nothing wrong and will hold my head up. hope to get good support from those of you out there goig through the same pain. take care all xx Hannah.

Hi Hannah,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You sound so strong though. I couldn't begin to imagine what it's like after a long marriage - mine was only four years.

I understand the being the last to know thing. My marriage didn't end over an affair - I was just the last to realise what my husband was like and regularly have people pointing out to me still that they couldn't believe I couldn't see it (very helpful!) It's hard ignoring that but you are doing great to not beat yourself up over it. I know our situations differ but a friend pointed me in the direction of a website defining sociopaths and one of the features of them is that they are very convincing, especially to those they are in a relationship with. While the problems with the exs are different, the nature of the beast is the same - it is natural for those closest to something to not be able to see it as clearly as those at a distance.

Keep that strong head about things. This place looks great and I'm sure there will be so much support here for you if you feel yourself waivering!

Good luck
Wilma x