Hello

Hi, thought I'd say hello properly. I'm Maysie and I have just started off my divorce. My marriage was always emotionally abusive and 5 years ago I moved into a refuge due to the fear, and also how physically abusive xh was to eldest ds, who is mine by a previous relationship. xh then admitted the abuse and said he would seek help, which he did and we reconcilled. At that time I discovered the proof that the affair he'd always denied having, had happened. I still decided to give the marriage another go. No-one can say I haven't tried. Anyway in January I had enough, he refused to leave and I was so scared of him that I moved out, my dd came with me (age 16) and the boys stayed there (age 17 and 19). The house is up for sale, and then ds1 will go into a flat with his gf. He's pretty unhappy with having to stay there atm but cant afford anything having only today started a job.

I am at the end of the 2nd year of a degree, one year to go, so have been living on a student loan and some housing benefit.

Just in the last few weeks I have felt so stressed that I have started accessing counselling, through uni, and I can't believe how upset I get there each week. I guess all those feelings are there underneath and I bury them as I have to stay strong and I have to cope. As soon as I left xh told everyone that I had had a mental breakdown (why else would I leave him) so I feel that I have to hide the fact that I am upset and grieving the loss of my marriage. I believe in marriage, I believe it should be for life, but I cannot live in fear all the time. I can't dread him coming home or what mood will be be in. When we went anywhere together I could only speak to people if he said so, and if I 'went wrong' by saying the wrong thing or in the wrong way, would pay for it later. Since leaving I have loved having a peaceful haven of a home, even if it is a rented flat with furniture given to me, it's mine and there is no anger here. No one is going to yell at me when it isn't how they like it.

I can't wait for the summer break as my work hours have been 7am till 5.30pm Mon - Fri since Sept, with only the bank holidays off and I am shattered. I guess that is another reason why I am emotional when given the space to be so.

I've grieving the loss of marriage, status - as in being part of a couple, loss of family - as in-laws, friends who have decided to support xh or disappeared off the face of the earth as they can't deal with it. And its been so hard supporting the children through this when it hurts so bad inside.

xh originally asked me to hold off the divorce until end of august but he emailed me asking me to start it off now as the waiting was making him ill, so I have. ds1 and his gf came round and apparently xh told them and everyone else that despite him asking me not to start it till end of august that I am starting it now and he can't believe I am doing this to him. I showed ds1 the email from xh asking me to start it off as he doesn't want to wait. xh is telling so many lies about me but I am so grateful for that as in the past whenever I had enough he would be loving, charming, and caring and I would reconsider. Now I just know that I am making the right decision.

I worry about lots of the things. I worry that all my wages, once I qualify, will go on paying my rent (private rents being so high and my wages low) and that despite working all year I wont afford a holiday or anything. I worry that I can't trust a man again. xh was so wonderful before we married but switched straight after the wedding day. I spent most of the honeymoon in tears because he yelled at me for saying things wrong or looking the wrong way, and even when I cried he carried on yelling. It wasn't until I found out about emotional abuse on the internet years later that I realised what was going on. I had thought it weird that as social worker I knew had said to me if ever I needed a refuge that I should just go to a police station and ask them for a place in one and they would take me. I thought she was mad as xh wasnt physically violent to me (though later to ds1 as in discipline as he would see it, but punching with clenched fists while pinning him down) so didnt go.

Sorry this is a long ramble. I feel so alone, and now the divorce has started I am a jumble of emotions and I grieve the loss of the marriage. I wanted so badly for it to work, and yet I know I made the right decision leaving. Hope you don't mind me spilling all this down. Will read through the other threads here now,

Maysie

Hi Maysie

Divorce is hard and comes from different reasons, but abuse of any sort should not be tolerated. You are already planning for a future with your degree, so keep going and stay positive.

Joy x