Just Starting

Hiya All

I think this is the forum to introduce yourself - My name is Denis and well this is my very short story.....

About 2-3 months ago my wife uttered those famous words ".. i dont love you anymore..." and promptly packed up and left the matrimonial home. We tried relate counselling however she was adament she wanted out of the relationship. In fact a lot of issue rasied at relate were used to justify her actions.

The is no accusations of abuse, no kids are involved, no adultery (well not on my part anyway) and we are currently both trying to come to terms of what has happened and what we should do for the future.

We are both financially independant a position we have enjoyed throughout our relationship (15years).

The main subject of debate at the moment is about the financial arrangements for the matrimonial home. She has agreed to let me stay there so long as i dont divorce her for unreasonable behaviour - strange request I know but it does suit me to stay put. There is a lot of equity in the house (~ 150K)and this will only get bigger over the next few years.

Main sticking point also appears her rights to my final salary pension scheme - she has built up a sizable pension in her own right and was contributing before we met, throughout our relationship and can build up another 15 years after divorce. She believes she is entitled to some of my pension - i have disputed this a said that we have to consider both our pensions and agree an adjustment either way as necessary - in fact I may have a bigger hold on her pension depnding on funds - imagine how that went down.

Anyway as i say i am just starting out on this road, been very comforted by some of the posts on this site that it does get better with time - would welcome any practcial advice or hot tips that might protect my situation.

Thanks for reading and listening

Denis

Welcolme to the site denis.
Why not let her divorce you for UB? It dont matter who divorces who realy and it also dont matter on what grounds. Divorce in the UK is no blame and it dont impact the finacial side. Ancilory relief. On the pensions side it sounds like you are roughly square. What may happen is each of you keep yr individual pensions. Its upto you what you do with the FMH. Dont be so sure that the value will go up in the future. It may be better if you sell the FMH and at least you can use the share of equity to purchase something smaller. Good luck Denis. Chris.

Thanks Chris for the comments - much appreciated.

House is worth about 250k with 68K mortgage outstanding being paid by me on repayment basis - so even if i stay put for 5-6years equity available should be greater.

Had a lot of really re-assuring advice on this site - about house and pension situation. Been digging out old records on previous house sale etc and think i may be in better position now i have done some research.

My heart goes out to some of the poor souls and their particular circumstances - my position looks quite simple - or maybe i am being too niave

Dennis

Dennis,
Your situation may be clinically simple with the finances and the house, but the emotional untangling is what really hurts. That can often cloud what should be straightforward decisions on the asset split.

As you point out, you are at the beginning, so do be prepared for a bit of an emotional rollercoaster as some of the realities bite, because they will.

But that is what is so great about this site - no matter how crap things seem, an hour spent here, or a helpful comment from someone who knows where you are at can raise your spirit immensely.

Good luck, and keep as positive as you seem.

Mike

Thanks Mike for keeping my feet on the ground.

Yes very emotional rollercoaster going on at the moment - i get very angry at the situation I have found myself.

I could fully understand it if i had been having an affair or physically or physcologically abusing my wife - but there is none of that involved only this glib "...i dont love you anymore..." Tried the relate counselling and as issues arose in there they appeared to be used by my wife as justification for the decision she has made.

Dont get me wrong i am no angel - we all have faults and none of us are perfect.

So yes fully appreciate the emotional side will get hairy - I will try and stay strong and level headed and i have got a lot of comfort from this site already.

Cheers

Dennis

Dennis,
Go read my blog from the beginning.. Bit tedious, but you will see some alarming parallels

C'est la Vie - but I couldn't have stomached saying that 9 months ago.

Mike