What should I do now?

Hi Everyone,

I'm solarpowered - well at least I haven't hit the bottle !

I was married for 9 years and 9 months and after three goes at counselling realised my marriage was going nowhere and had developed into an abusive situation whereby I was being subjected to domestic violence via verbal and emotional abuse on a daily basis. The house was filled with shouting in the morning (my ex. shouting at our 7 yr. old daughter) and her crying - so I saw a solicitor and was advised I had grounds for a divorce on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. I told my ex. in April what was happening and in May he moved out (I had to give him the money to pay the deposit and first month’s rent for his flat - otherwise he said he would not move out - I did get him to sign to say this money would be deducted from any final settlement).

The Nisi was heard at the beginning of July and the childcare arrangement is stated as every other weekend and one day a week. However he has been collecting our child from school two days a week and dropping her back to me after tea so that she can sleep here. She was with the childminder 3 days a week – but he refused to cover the other two days meaning I cover one myself and have had to reduce the childminder to 2 days per week.

Now his shifts have changed and he wants to change pick up again on the two days when I have made arrangements for childcare. When we talked about this tonight he used his favourite line – “you are refusing me access to my daughter I'll be speaking to my solicitor about this – now I don’t really want to do this but you leave me with no option”. This was all a storm in a teacup as he's not able to cover one day this week and has moved his shifts to be able to cover next week....but that’s his style to max. up the situation when really there is no issue anyway.

Should he be allowed to ring each night and tell out daughter how much he loves her and wish her a good night? After these calls she withdraws and usually is nasty to me when getting ready for bed – telling me it’s all my fault that I sent daddy away and that she hates me. The next morning she apologises unprompted.

He's had time to think and is explaining away the cited incidents of unreasonable behaviour and keeps saying he's going to speak to his solicitor.

Should every other weekend mean just that? He's changing his shift to Monday & Tuesday off so from the summer holidays is expecting to have our daughter every Sunday night until Tuesday evening.

In a couple of weeks I've arrange for my daughter and I to go to Legoland and stay over in a hotel as a surprise treat and he's getting all narky about when he can pick her up on the Sunday.

I've just got an answer phone in but tonight he’s persistently called four times leaving messages asking me to ring him. He's seeing his solicitor this week....meanwhile my solicitor seems to have dropped off the face of the planet.

Help and advice from other real people is needed and much appreciated.

Yours with Love

Solarpowered

Hi Solarpowered

It seems to me that he is still abusing you albeit from afar. He wants to be in control so that the access is on his terms, not yours and making things difficult for you, he thinks he is getting some kind of pleasure from this what with the contacting solicitor threats but he isnt if being honest with himself. He knows what he is doing with the nightly phone calls too, using your daughter to get at you.

I know you know these things already, the difficult part here is not showing him its getting to you and i would seek advice from either your current solicitor or a new one.

Your daughter loves you, she loves him, she'll be feeling confused through this. Just remember its him that is doing the emotional blackmail, not you. You are better than that, just keep being yourself and take pride in the new life you have forged out for yourself and by yourself.

Take care

David

Thanks David

it all seems 1000 light years from how thing used to be. I think if it like being in a room with music playing and things being lovely then some time later realising I'd fallen asleep and the muic has changed to something discordant and menacing.

It's really weird - and a very hard habit to break.

Yours words give me reassurance that I'm not going mad.

Solar

hi soloarpowered

welcome to wiki...

im sorry your going through all of this, its a tough old time...

your daughters feelings are natural...we didnt have children my ex and i, but as a child growing up in a broken home i used to be exacly the same with mum...

we used to row alot i would blame her, but we spoke, communication was the key back then and i believe it is now.

spending time with her, reasurring her, your a mum you know all that anyway....i dont mean to sound patrionising...

however aswell as your daughter you need to think of you too...make sure your looking after yourself...and give yourself the time to grieve..

you've found wiki and im sure that you will as addicted to it as so many others have, including me !!

come to the chat room - sometimes you need to have a laugh and time out...what you can have a laugh at the same time as going through all this crap ?? uummm yes actually you can...

take care solar...

daisy
xx

I think that he may still be trying to reach a postion of stability in his life, and acceptance.

I left my ex about 15 months ago, I have always phoned every day to say good night to my two, but I have agreed with my ex that I will never imply that it was her fault that Daddy had to leave, I have always made sure that I dont get the children invovled, as things stand my two beleive that mummy and daddy dont love each other any more but we are best friends. Its not completly true, but it does keep them happy which is all that matters to me.

I think that children need as much stability as they can get, and your arrangements need to be focus on what is best for your daughter, rather than any feelings that you have about the circumstances of yor split.

If the current arrangements are having a negative effect on either of your relationships with you daughter then you need to get them sorted, but be honest about your motivation.

Good luck

GM

Thanks Daisy & Goodman for your helpful comments. Sometimes it takes someone elses perspective to regain clarity from all the emotion which is floating around at the time of the break up. Thanks.

Solarpowered