Advice needed following split

I have just split yesterday from my wife after 17 years of marriage. It had been very difficult the past 5 years or so for a variety of reasons and I had fallen out of love with her and felt completely trapped and unable to imagine the rest of my life with her.

We had been rowing much more frequently and she often taunted me with "I don't know why you just don't leave" but I never answered her back. I had been thinking about how and when I could try and leave but there is never a right time! Well the rows continued and on Saturday I ended up agreeing and saying that I wanted to leave and that I wanted a divorce. We ended up arguing most of the night and didn't speak much the next day, up until about teatime when it got worse and she through me out with all my clothes packed in suitcases.

Fortunately my son-in-law is putting me up for a few days but things are very sour with my partner and she is convinced that I am moving in with a girlfriend, which I am not, I just need to out of it and live my own life for a bit. It think that both she and my 15 year old daughter now hate me for what has happened.

I am struggling on but need some advice:
1. She wants to keep the house and continue to pay the mortgage etc and own the house when the mortgage completes. The house is worth at least twice the value of the mortgage (£115K) but the endowments covering it are underperforming but theory says I should have part of the proceeds but I need to talk to some one to take all factors into account, i.e house value, mortgage, endowments, savings, and pensions to see how the figures work out.
2. She did say that the did not want me living anywhere near her but I would like to rent initially, in the same town, quite a large town, and I would obviously not be on her doorstep. Would she be able to get a court order to this effect bearing in mind there has never ever been any violence or court orders or any hassle, just some arguing. I need re-assurance before I pay a large deposit for a rented property

I am 43 with s salary of about 55K and company pension and my wife is 52 with a salary of about 30K, but with less years in her company pension.

Any help, support would be most appreciated
B

moodyblue,

First of all, welcome to Wiki. Sorry you find yourself here but you are in the right place for help and support - both practical and emotional.

It sounds like things really have come to a head for both of you and putting space between you for the moment is exactly the right thing to do. You may feel once things have settled down that you are able to talk to each other...and perhaps you may even consider some counselling - Relate or similar - to help you both work out the way forward. If nothing else it may help you each to understand the other's perspective - even if divorce does turn out to be the only option.

Have a look at some of the other threads on here about assets division etc to help you understand how these things are worked out. You will need to do a complete schedule of all your assets - including current valuations on the endowments as these have a cash value. Your respective pensions will also be a factor, as will your ages and incomes.

Essentially the start point for division of finances is 50:50 with adjustments made for children etc. The first thing to consider is need - her need for a home - for her and your daughter - and yours also. If the house is too large for 2 of them it does not follow that she would keep it; you need funds to buy your own property too.

Make sure you are absolutely fair in your financial dealings - the CSA rate is 15% of salary for one child - arrange to pay that at least and do what you can to ensure the mortgage etc are paid without leaving yourself too short of funds to rent a property while things are sorted.

She cannot stop you living in the same town. Try to keep up contact with your daughter - even if it is one way initially and don't allow her to play piggy in the middle.

The best way to sort out the finances is between yourselves - with the help of a mediator if necessary and get a Consent Order OKd by a judge once you have agreed.
You can end up spending thousands - and I mean THOUSANDS - on dragging everything through the courts. And the cost is far more than financial .

Even if you are tempted to hook up with someone else, I would avoid that too for now ... your idea of some me time is a good one - you need to work out who you are and what you want.

Remember your wife will be feeling very scared right now. It is one thing to talk about divorce, quite another to do it ... and 15 is a vulnerable age so your daughter will need careful handling too.

If you want to rant, come here to do it. We all do from time to time .. and take heart from the stories of others on here who have been where you are ... and are now in a much happier place - thanks in no small part to the friendship and support this site can offer.

Good luck ..

HAdenoughnow