In limbo

Hi, I've been on here for a while now and just want to say a little bit about my situation. It has been complicated for a long time. I seem to be reaching something like a decision point, not about being separated because that had to happen, but to take the steps I have to take to get myself straight financially, which may or may not include divorce for unreasonable behaviour.

I still feel the need to explain myself to people I care about, which includes the people I meet in the chat room. A lot of people have been left, whereas I left my partner, who wasn't so much a partner as cohabitant and a quite negative person.

I never got the support I needed, not even through ill-health, and I met someone. In most cases like this you just go for it and move on. Not so in my case, too many obstacles. Primarily, I was constrained by my partner's controlling and intimidating behaviour and I realised I could do nothing about my situation while we were living overseas.

Three years ago I tried to separate, quite reasonably, answered him honestly when he asked, that I had met someone but was unsure about what would happen next. He was calm and accepting, but two days later I got the backlash. He changed absolutely, and I was powerless to make any decisions because he was falling apart at the seams one minute, furious and controlling, raging and ordering me about the next.

The years of neglect and too many rows didn't count for anything in his eyes, it was all this other guy's fault and he was going to make him pay. What could I do but try to see him through the counselling he'd asked for, and try to help him see that it wasn't that straightforward. I ended the new relationship under intense emotional pressure from my OH and my daughter, who sided with him, and I did my best to try to reach resolution. He discontinued the counselling; he didn't need it, he said, and now we move on.

I could not just reconcile - too much had happened. He kept on with the imtimidation for a very long time and I became an emotional wreck. There was a lot of abuse, and by the time I left in December I had had two years of counselling myself, to cope with his completely unreasonable blame game. In September I started medication for depression and anxiety, and still quake when I have to deal with my OH.

I saw the other guy intermittently, he was worried about me but had his own stuff to go through, which was as bad as mine in some ways. Once my OH became physically abusive a year ago I naturally regretted not being with the other man and saw him when I could. I hoped he would wait for me, I couldn't make any committments beyond that.

I came back home to England to recover my health and to come to some decision about a divorce. It should have been black and white but I was worried my husband might be ill himself, to be as unreasonable as he had been and for so long, and to be so abusive and not be able to see why that would frighten me. I just wanted to separate initially but would have to do something regarding the finances sooner or later.

The new guy contacted me meanwhile and broke off the relationship, such as it was. Once I got over that, I just tried to focus on my health. It was a genuine relationship for me, one that had made me happier than I had been in a long time. We once planned to marry, in time. I think he got a taste of the complications and it was all too much.

So now I'm on my own; my OH is being completely unreasonable about helping me financially, considering I gave up everything once, to live overseas for far longer than I had agreed in the beginning. I lost all my career prospects looking after the children while he built his career and his propery portfolio and flew around the world, while complaining how demanding the job was and not wanting to hear about any of the domestic issues. I was stuck in a a miserable marriage and with my children wanting to remain overseas, so I wanted to come home and at least not have my husband in my face every day either smothering me with unwanted affection, ignoring me (like now) or yelling at me.

I miss my son, which is why I will go back in a week or two to get the rest of my things. The books may well be useless if I have to give up my degree as well, and I have lost someone I truly loved but that's supposed to be okay, after all I am the one who wrecked a marriage that was already a bad one. Who would have thought he even liked me, let along love me. I was his comfort zone.

I don't know why I'm putting this up really, I suppose I just want others to understand. We all have our stories. I've been on both ends now - I've left, and been left. So I know how it feels, believe me. It hurts, and all your dreams are gone. My efforts to help others in their troubles over wiki are genuine.

I struggled to be fair to everyone, and ended up where I least wanted to be, alone and away from my children. Unless my husband grows up and stops being obstructive, this is very likely where I will always be, because he will likely make it so unpleasant, that I won't try to come out of this with 50%, let alone anything above that. I certainly don't want the other place to be the place I am alone in. So that's one decision at least.

'ello chuck;

BLIMEY! You could write a book on your life experience!

OK: So although your post doesn't ask for advice; or even suggest a response; I can see that it was obviously theraputic for you to have explained it all and 'let it out'. Seeing it in black & white; (reading it back to yourself) is not only helpful to you; but also re-assuring to the rest of us that are grappling with the justification of why we are divorcing; or being divorced.

What you are going through is a transitional stage; you are coming to terms with the fact that your marriage simply doesn't work. Congratulations on the massive amounts of counselling that you did together - and on your own; at least you tried!

Once you have come to terms with the idea of divorce; you can then start to take action to actually applying for it. If he will not accept unreasonable behaviour; you may need to wait two years before you can apply without reason.

This is obviously the first steps to starting your new life. Falling in to the arms of a man that was also incapable of caring for you was a mistake. Often these things work delisciously as 'affairs' but have no foundation to build anything more solid upon.

Stay here and continue to support and receive support from the rest of us who are feeling equally upset with the way our marriages turned out.

And when it does come down to the nitty-gritty of ££££££££ we're here!

Sera
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