Wading through treacle

Hi Everyone,
Found this site this morning during a 10 minute break for self pity and thought I'd join in 'cos you all sound really nice. Going through various stages of what everyone else is going through, but definately supportive.

My story started 24 years ago when I became the object of a man's dreams and he pursued me relentlesly till I gave in.
One marriage, three kids and much dishwashing water under the bridge later, now another woman is the object of his obsession. Out with the (not so) old....
Exactly 2 months ago he came home from working in the U S and said he was leaving me because our marriage is a sham and he'd met someone else but that he wasn't leaving me for her. He was leaving because he's "been unhappy for years" and it's only through listening to her relationship problems that he's realised he's tired of working at our marriage. He did however admit that if he hadn't met her he'd still have stayed. All this is news to me and our nearest & dearest by the way.
Since at the time we were buying a castle in France to turn into a holiday complex so he could retire early he wanted to carry on with that plan (but only be married in name) so that he could still see our daughter when he had time off. The rest of the time he would travel the world for work as usual but when in Connecticut would be seeing the girlfriend. I can't decide if it's just me that finds this unreasonable, or if he's just dillusional! Lol.
He actually dropped his bombshell in front of the kids just as we were about to go to Spain for a friends wedding and since our little girl had been so looking forward to flying for the first time and to the wedding, we still went. Please, at this stage, do realise I wasn't thinking at all, let alone thinking straight, and what she needed took precedence at that time as always. The catch was not to be able to tell anyone. You don't go spoiling a mates wedding by showing off your prob's do you? So it was kind of a relief when the pratt dropped himself in it by being overheard on the phone to Peggy Sue. (Not her real name but do you know, it just seems to fit!) It seems all the compliments we were getting about our daughter made him realise what he'd be losing if I decided to be a bitch and take her away from him. Poor sod actually wanted my sympathy! And being a complete twit, he phoned her from the reception.
I haven't mentioned yet that we also have 2 sons, both of whom are working. Apparently the fact they are grown up makes them irrelevent in all of this.
Anyway, I said yes to still moving which then gave my friends time - remember I'm in Spain at this point - to find me a good lawyer.
The only thing I want now is for a peaceful, contented afterwards life although since Peggy Sue is one of those kittenish needs-looking-after predatory women,( thank the lord for google) who it seems took a job in a bar to meet a man even whilst still 'working on' her previous relationship, I would like to expose what she's helped to do to my marriage to her wider, small town America community where they all still go to church and at least on the surface would have to act outraged at what she's done. Needless to say, since I told my s2bx that I was putting her name on the divorce papers and inviting her local paper to see a copy(how many papers would pass up the chance to report on a local causing a divorce from 3000 miles away?), they have now mutually decided that they don't want to jump straight from one relationship into another because this way they can have a clean fresh start with each other when they do get together and it gives them a good basis for a long term relationship with no recriminations. He thinks this will stop me giving her any flack. Think I'll just email her ex instead. Or her and tell her about the russian girlfriend he was buying jewellery for whilst I was being treated for breast cancer and afterwards. But silly me! She like Peggy Sue is just a friend. It seems you buy the same jewellery for your wife and a workmate these days!
Anyway, that, pitiful as it is, is my story.
Sorry if I was whinging but I did say at the outset it was a self pity break. Ah well, back to the hoovering.
Tarnlass. x

Hi tarnlass,

Welcome to the wiki community. We are a broad church and stories like yours are unfortunately not uncommon.
Your story is unique to you.
Forgive me for pointing out the obvious : you are still in shock at the realisation that the man you married is a completely different person from the one you used to know.

It is sadly very frequent ( when you have time, read some of the other posts ) for one partner to decide that they have had enough - for whatever real or invented reason -, go away, have an affair or not and THEN justify their behaviour by saying that they have been unhappy for a number of years thereby making the other person feel
1) a complete and utter fool for not having noticed it and 2) guilty for not having noticed (what was probably inexistent at the time and is a complete figment of the partner's imagination anyway).
When you think of it, it is a neat trick, isn't it ? They claim they have been unhappy and yet they are the ones who have done nothing about it... Ah,well.
This has happened to me as well and I had been just as ignorant of his unhappiness as you (tsk, tsk, women, we are so unobservant lol)

From your post it also seems that you are very angry. Normal.
You also want revenge. Normal.
Here I would like you to step back and think : is your idea/notion/dream of taking your revenge on the other woman such a whizz ?
I would caution against it.
Even more : I would urge you not to do it.
Think about the ripples your husband's actions have caused : you yourself, your children, your respective families, your friends - everyone will be affected.
Now do you honestly want to inflict that heartache and pain on people whom you don't know and who have done nothing to you ?
I think you are bigger than this.
Dream about it by all means, embellish your dreams, make them intricate - but don't execute them.

Take it from an old bird : the best revenge EVER is to find yourself, like yourself and forgive him.
It sounds so simple and is terribly hard to do, but when you get there, boy, the satisfaction is immense !

If you would like to talk about this, you can send me a private message.
In the meantime I wish you fortitude.
RedXX

hi Tarnlass, not really sure what to say, but welcome anyway.

Lolly

Hi tarnlass,
I totally sympthise as my husband decided 2 weeks ago that our marriage wasn't working and he needs space after 24 years. Do you have the mood swings? I understand about revenge feelings (mine usually involve stabbing!) but my own mother went down this route, believe me it doesn't do your relationship with your child any good. It just makes him look good. I think putting your own feelings here is good.
Take care of yourself.
lol

Tarn Lass

Welcome to wiki. I am sure that you will find lots of support, help and friendship here.

Sorry to hear about your situation. But am loving your retained sense of humour - Peggy Sue! love it!

Moan and rant all you want, we all do sometimes, but there is also some great hugs, laughs and pointers to learn from the lovely people here.

Take care and not too much hoovering!

Had a good day today so thought I would share!
Today after months working on him, my 10 yr old daughter took her pony in their first showjumping competition and got 4th out of 13. I;m so proud of them I could pop!
Ironically, one of the other ponies was called Peggy Sue. It's riders mum called it a friendly old nag who's 'a bit of a tart for anyone with a carrot'. There has to be a moral in that somewhere but I don't think my guffaws pleased said parent!
Thought you'd like that one.

Lol.. how dare you copy my story, just change countrys and names.
Big fat hug..
and now I look up needs-looking-after predatory women
Love that

BTW.. my fav. revenge fantasie was to send him a photo.
Me and a group of girls.. raising our glasses full of Sangria..
and in the background the countless bottles of the Burgundy which I used.. the bottles from the wine row I bought him for a birthday. I saw him in my mind gasping for air and dropping down with a heart attack..

I did not do it. Out of respect for the producers. But I still conjure that picture when he tries yet another move.