only married for a year

After only a year of marriage that was filled with emotional, verbal and physical abuse I finally plucked up the courage to kick my husband out and get a non-molestation order and occupation order. I feel a mess. My emotions are all over the place. I love him (the good parts not the bad) and I miss him. Somedays recently I can't even face getting out of bed and I cry constantly. I'm finding it so hard. I know I deserved to be treated better; as well as the violence he also stole thousands of pounds fraudulently from my own bank account, stole and sold my dog and him and his family ransacked my house and stole my valuables (that was when we were only 2 months married and I forgave him and took him back). He then went on to steal more money from my account to pay for hotels to meet girls off the internet. I'm now financially ruined and an emotional wreck. My knight in shining armour turned out to be an evil sod. I hate myself for loving him. I gave him chance after chance. I now feel so alone - my family are in a different country and my mum has terminal cancer. I lost a lot of friends and some family when I first took him back. Only married a year. I feel like such a failure. Sometimes recently I feel suicidal. It just feels so difficult to get my head around the fact that he probably never loved me. Sorry for the rant.

Hi Smurf, wlcome to wiki

I was once in the same boat but stayed for 11 yrs, mainly for the kids sake his mind games told me the children were better off with 2 parents than me being the scum of the earth, single parent his exact words.

I battled with my emotions and it's only through counselling and the womens aid that i can now see him for what he was , he was the only voice of reason as he brain washed me so much i believed everything he said , it was ok to hit me he was'nt abusing me cos i did'nt walk around every week with black eyes.He gave me and the children no money from 1999 and even after i kicked him out trying to get him to pay child support was like trying to get blood out of a stone , even the judge now knows his fave words," why should i", and thats the man i onced loved and called my wonerful husband, even last yr when i had £1.13 left some weeks to feed myself and the 2 children i would'nt of wanted my old life back.

For everyday your away from him you are going to get stronger , i have questioned the he never loved me and i know he never the bloke only ever loved himself and his wallet so now he can get on with it loving himself , whilst i get on with being a much better person than what he is a finding the new me , which lately has been fantastic.

I think you would really benefit through getting in touch with womens aid and getting yourself an outreach worker just by beng with others females in your area really does help you and others like you, you may also want to read a book called living with the Dominator by Pat Graven and going on the freedom programme both have been such a valable support for me.

If you need any more numbers or support send me a message.

Good Luck

Hi Smurf
Welcome to wiki anf by finding us u r not alone.

There r so many people on here that have gone thru the feelings u have got and no matter how bad u think your story is, no one will judge u or not want to give u support.
Try and get back in touch with some of your friends, if anyone says I told u so, show them the door.This is definitely time to show them the door.
My mum has terminal cancer too and I agonised for ages abour telling her about my split, but in the end I did, but kept it to the strong stuff, i.e. I made teh decision and altho its really hard I know its the right thing.That way I can still tell her when I'm down, but she doesn't feel she needs to support me. U may even find your mum is relieved because |I expect she's been worried about u.It's your decision and u will prob take a while to make it.
I can so idnetify with the whole 'he never loved me' thing too and I feel at times that I've wasted the last eight years of my life, so u have been strong in getting out after a year. Just try and focus on u and getting stronger. I would agree with Angel about the freedom program and counselling being a massive help.Seeing your GP would be a good starting point too.
It's ok to cry. u r grieving for the loss of your hopes and dreams and the man that didn't turn out to be who u thought he was.But also recognise that u r a valuable person all u did was trust someone and don't let his failings make u doubt your worth.
Take care of yourself, u r welcome to message me if u feel in need of more ranting and I'm sure I can rant back!
Scared x x x