Is it time to let go?

Hi,

I’ve posted a couple of things already on the site and I’ve found the advice and resources very, very useful.

But now I’ve come the crunch and have to make a decision. Some background…

I’ve been married for 15 years and have got 4 wonderful children, 15, 13, 10 and 6. My wife has suffered from depression for a large part of the marriage (10+ years) and it got the point where I felt completely rejected and worthless. There was no communication and no intimacy. I put all my effort into the kids. I had an affair 2 years ago with my wife’s best friend. It started with just talking (as I couldn’t talk to my wife) but quickly moved on. I ended it and I was prepared to give up everything and live alone. However, my wife took me back and we agreed to move forward.

I regret what I did.

It was good for a while but slowly things slipped back into the old ways. About 4 months ago the doctor cut my wife’s medication in half and things changed. 2 months ago my wife had an affair and she confided in me that she’d never gotten over what I’d done and she wanted to hurt me as much as I’d hurt her. There’s more to it than that, such that she changed and I didn’t, etc. etc.

She says that the affair is over and that she feels like she’s coming out of depression and that she wants to stand by me as an equal without me being in control (which I’ve had to be). To this end she wants me to move out, which I’ve resisted as I want to protect both mine and the children’s interests. Anyway we’ve been on a downward spiral since, with both of us doing and saying things that we shouldn’t have. Upon reflection it feels like she's baiting me for a reaction.

I’ve been up and down like a yoyo going from despair and anger to hope and love. Through all we’ve been through I still love her deeply and want us to be together for both mine and the children’s sake. She says that she still love me?!?

Anyway, the final straw being a letter from her lawyer stating that she was starting divorce proceedings due to unreasonable conduct on my part, this was late last week. She says that she agreed to something that she didn’t want and didn’t understand what the lawyer meant by ‘starting proceedings’. She said that she thought that she was agreeing to counseling. She’s since been back to the lawyer telling him to stop proceedings and draw up a Separation Agreement. She wants to stay at home and for me to provide maintenance for the children. I’m looking to rent a flat, which she has stated that we’ll share. When I’m at the house then she’ll stay at the flat and vice versa. In the mean time she has also started to claim from the social telling them that I’ve moved out!

I’m waiting for the letter from her lawyer.

Her relationship with the children is strained and I believe that they will have a better chance in life with me, but I just can’t do that and work as well. So I’m willing (minor understatement) to consider the separation.

So I have a meeting with my own lawyer tomorrow to give advice and review the separation agreement. I’ll also look at what options are available. I’m torn between hope and despair. Hope that we’ll be able to move on and share some kind of future together and despair that it’s all over and we should both move on.

Graham.

As a stranger reading that; I can see you have started the downward spiral by pressing your own self-destruct button. Going to her best friend to talk was wrong. Go to a counsellor; or talk to your own. Sleeping with her best friend was unforgiveable... Hindsight.

Your wife took you back, decided to forgive, but couldn't forget.....

...so, by her doing the same thing to you; this became punishing behaviour; and she entered the game playing by the same rules. You were then both on a downward spiral of dysfunction and PLAYING ON EACH OTHERS INSECURITIES.

At the moment, the best option for you all as a family; is to go ahead with the flat. Continuing to co-parent the children, and attend counselling together. (Relate) It'll all start with blame, anger and projection of "he did this...she did that" ...but when that's dealt with (vented) you'll be expected to start working on a solution. Whether that be to stay together; or seperate.

Emotions are too high to be doing anything drastic. Lawyers should be the last resort. Not the first.

Living in the situation you're in is not good for either of you. If you've lost because you've slept with her best friend; that's pretty unforgivable....and if the price you pay is the loss of your family; that is your wifes' right. You say you love your wife. As a faithful partner, I couldn't imagine any circumstances that would cause me to have slept with my husbands best mate. You could've gone to a prostitute. You knew what you were doing, you knew it was wrong. You had a CHOICE in the moment. And you may well regret it. People here may give you sympathy; but you need for your wife to want to continue the marriage; and she doesn't sound like she wishes to.

I live by a morality code that would not allow me to knowingly do anything that would hurt the person I loved. As a woman, I could not imagine any circumstances where I would lay with my best friends husband..... Those are men that are off my radar! It's usually a sign the the supposed 'friend' is actually jealous of your wife and wants to have a slice of what she's got, but she's not posting here; so I'll forget analysing her!

My first husband betrayed me. I forgave him. He did it again, we tried to hold it together; but the trust had gone. We divorced 10 yrs ago. It was painful for both of us, and our child. It destroys lives.

He was a game player, and I had called CHECK MATE on his game.

It's sad that another family is ruined by infidelity; but it sounds like you ane your wife are playing emotional Russian Roulette; you need to break that cycle, get some help, and get some professional help that is not a lawyer.

Good luck
Sera

Hi,

Thanks for being so honest with your response. Yes, it was wrong what I did and no I can't defend it. I'd like to say that there was more to it but reading your response just clarifies things.

It's good to be able to look at things as an outsider and that is why this site is so invaluable. Not to be caught in the middle, the day to day things that are going on.

I've been shocked by the things that I've read on this site and it pains me to think that there are so may people (both decent and not) that are and have been through this. The emotional turmoil, hatred, hurt and hopelessness.

Graham.