Lost

Hi
My wife and I have been married nearly 15 years we have 3 wonderful well adjusted intelligent children (12,10,4).We have both always had a very strong family ethic and work very well together.
Although I have a good job my wife is the main source of income commuting and working in London regularly staying over working long hours. Due to the flexibility of my work I am the one who gets the kids ready for school and gets home in time to relieve the childminder and get the kids to bed.
My wife is a very strong willed individual where as I am very much anti confrontational and therefore in the main we do things her way.
I have known for a several years that my wife was not happy in our relationship and although she believes not I have tried to change and be the husband she wants, however over the last 3 months things have become more strained and although I have tried everything including Relate last week she told me she does not want to be with me and that she wants me to move out.
I feel devastated as I always believed that things would improve, currently I am an emotional wreck I love her to bits and just can't believe this is happening. She says that she wants everything to remain the same just that she does not want to be married to me - but how can it be?
I totally believe her that there is no one else involved but to be honest that really doesn't matter. I live for my family have no real friends of my own my family is my life. I have lost 2 stone in weight (one I needed to) not sleeping continually breaking down I really have no idea of what to do or where to go.
I know the kids are the centre of her world as well and have always done as much as I could to ensure that she had good quality time with them at the weekend due to her long work hours something I know she does not appreciate. How can things be the same? How can she continue to expect me to run around after the kids when she is not there allowing her to progress and live when I have no vested interest in the benefits she creates and unable to progress my career while doing so. Don't get me wrong if that’s what’s best for the kids then that is what I will do but at present I am lost.
Apologies if I have rambled and sound incoherent I really am not used to this.
Oh my name - a hand painted ornament my youngest made (it makes me smile when I look at it)

Could almost have written your post myself. Funny how equality (both sexes here before I get blasted) allows one partner to split away assuming that they are going to have a great time on the income whilst leaving the remaining partner an emotional wreck and financially bereft. Something is clearly wrong with the law her. PM me if you need support . Polar

Ditto the above about writing the post myself! The difference being that my husband left the family home after telling me that he hadn't really loved me for years. What a shame he didn't tell me this before our youngest (now 5 months) was conceived!
I think the main point here is about how you're feeling - you wonder how you'll ever survive without the comfort of your family and the affection of your wife. Well, the truth is that there's no easy answer, you just have to take one day at a time and try and rebuild some kind of life for yourself, even if it feels very forced at first. Thinking about the children and presenting yourself as a role model to them usually helps.
On a few legal points - your wife cannot insist that you leave the family home, even if she pays the majority of the mortgage. The family home is exactly that until a judge decrees otherwise. Nor is she entitled to change locks whilst your name is on the deeds. It may seem that moving out would be an easy option and you might think that doing what your wife wants could gain you brownie points - it might work but once you leave it would be very difficult to return.
If this goes all the way to a divorce, I would hope that in these days of equality a judge would recognise you as the main carer and award you primary custody. Certainly, if your wife works away a few nights a week, it is not in the best interests of the children to live mainly with her and it's not a given anymore that the mother is awarded custody.
Last point, (then I'll stop going on!!) - if your wife does have a successful career and has built that during your marriage, legally she would be expected to split assets gained during the marriage 50/50. Of course, this all changes when children come into the equation but this is the starting point for most divorces these days. What I'm trying to say is that she could end up supporting you and the children rather than the other way round!!
Anyway, I'll stop ranting now. I'm off to hospital as my baby is having a gastrostomy operation today - when I think about his beautiful face and everything he's going through, it puts my separation a bit more into perspective. I hope you feel stronger today, or maybe tomorrow ....
Jen

Hi

Even though it must be agony to be in the same house as someone who doesn't show love for you anymore (I bailed out after 6 weeks but WITH the children) you are clearly the main carer so it would be traumatic for the children if you left the house just because it suits your wife.

It is a shame she hasn't read 'Mamam Gena's Owner's and Operator's Guide to Men by Regena Thomashauer (very funny book by the way) but it exposes how us women are brainwashed into seeing femininity and being vulnerable as a weakness instead of as our key strengths. It sounds like your wife has done what many women do - created a butler and then is complaining that she doesn't want to be married to a butler. She may want an 'equal' for a husband, but she doesn't give space or opportunity for that relationship. A seemingly impossible situation for you.

Ironically, by standing up for yourself over this difficult time, seeking good advice and being true to yourself, she will see the man she craves, but only at the expense of the relationship ending forever. By losing touch with the daily life of her children, she may be lacking in the qualities of grace and vulnerability and compassion that children teach us.

It is great that you have found the courage to share your fears with others and I hope you continue to get the good practical advice that I see other people sharing with you. My only advice is that no matter how low you may feel, remember you are a very special person, not just to your children, but to yourself. Use any way you can to keep your spirit strong - working out, spending time just on yourself (it is not selfishness, it is an investment!), finding ways to laugh with friends, or even seeing funny films on your own and letting out emotion that way.

It is odd how we always feel most alone when we are going through situations that so many others have and do share.

Do I relate to the 'women create a buffer' part. My wife used me as a buffer for all her day to day problems like paying bills, car servicing, household maint, gardening etc. This allowed her to build up her business. Then Off we go with the high earnings, buy a tiny house, and leaves me in the mire.
Thanks for reinforcing the fact that we are special people even if we dont feel like it.

What your wife may have done (and I can only guess) is forget that you supported her own personal growth because you loved her. That same love (which is unconditional as all love truly is) will now be directed towards yourself for a change. If we don't love ourselves, no-one else will, as they say! You can be proud that you helped her forwards in life, and you cannot be responsible for the way she has used that advantage not for the benefit of the family as a whole. But she has to find her own way in life, as our children do, and letting go of being responsible and supportive to a spouse or child is incredibly hard. Old habits stick and starting to create a life for yourself (making friends outside the home through shared interests is a great way to start) may feel strange, but we have to create and nurture our own support networks at these times. I remember shaking with nerves when I started going out to social places all my own, but now feel quite at ease wandering into a pub or restaurant or cinema alone (even if I could easily get someone to come with me). Freedom comes in many forms, but you have to create it yourself. A touch journey, but very exciting!

Hiya
Well I wish my ex was as nice as you!!!

Opposite way round in our relationship. He used me all the time so I had to get out.

You sound like you have your head screwed on but its no good staying in a relationship if she is not happy. She is doing you a big favour though you may not see it at the moment.

You need to be with someone who can appreciate all you have and can give back in return.

It may be hard for you to adjust financially and with the children etc. but I have just come through it. Ok the big house is gone and the relationship with the children may be different but it can make you a stronger person and you will feel better for it.

If there is no more you can do to save the relationship then you will just have to sit down and try and work things out in an amicable way. (Mine wasn't)

Let her go!! My ex hung on to me for ages thinking I was going to change my mind. We tried all sorts of things but I knew deep down I had to go, the strain was too much and I wanted to be happy in MY Life.

You will be OK there are others on here in the same boat who you can talk to.

It takes time to get to the final result but its down to Your Happiness and Your Wife's too.

Good Luck.

Mollyx