Im New..your thoughts/opinions please

Well not sure where to start but apologies if this is a little long. I have been married for 7 years to a man I have spent 15 years with. I was besotted with him when we first met, he was separated but went back to his wife. He left me several times and for some reason I was drawn back to him. Eventually we got together and left his wife. We have never had anything common, just slept together which wasnt even that great again nothing in common. My husband has always complained that I never make the first move in the bedroom, but I have never the urge to. I was going to end everything 7 years ago but instead found myself marrying him. I have spent the last 7 years drifting along and telling myself that I should make a go of it as I cant spend the rest of my life partying etc. He is possessive and very controlling. I dont go out, I hardly have any friends (a neighbour and my work colleagues). He controls almost every aspect of my life, hair colour, weight, job etc. We moved up the property ladder 5 years ago and traded the comfortable mortgage for a larger one, he said he didnt want to but I forced him into it. He says he is now a slave to the mortgage and hates it but its my fault. A couple of years ago I tried to contact my first love (together 5 years) but with no reply, I have never stopped loving my first love but I dont suppose anybody does. Then a few months ago I tried again and this time I got a reply, and so you can guess the rest. We contacted each other and exchanged basic emails for a while until I had to tell him that there were still feelings. He came back with the same thing about me. Only I didnt want to meet him as I was afraid he would be put off by my weight (size 16). Eventually I agreed to meet him and I couldnt believe that it really didnt bother him. a day doesnt pass without my husband telling me I must go on a diet and lose some weight. Just recently I have lost my job and again husband has said I wont find another one because I am just too fat.

Since I met my first love we have spoken to each other everyday and are planning to meet up again soon. I have told him that I am happily married with a child and dont intend to break up my marriage and he also has a live-in girlfiend, he has children to a previous marriage.

However all of this has now brought me to re-evaluate my marriage and my life altogether. I am not saying that I want to break up my marriage because of this new interest but how do I ensure that I separate my feelings and ensure I dont get confused. I also do not want my first love to think that I am leaving my marriage for him as I would not want him to think he is responsible for this, lastly how on earth do I start the process with my husband who is completely oblivious to this whole situation. I know some of you may wonder how on earth have I spent 15 years just plodding, but my 6 year old son who adores his father is one of the reasons. Throughout our partnership I have suffered several bouts of severe depression which I am beginning to understand.

Your comments would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Plum,

Opinions!? ...you got ten years babe!

OK; there are several issues going on. Your low-self esteem; and allowing your controlling husband to feed your insecurities.

There are three areas you need to work on:

Him !: But he needs to do that. You can help through counselling; or he can attend mens groups like ‘Respect’ that deal with emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. (Which is technically all part of Domestic Violence)

You: You have to realise that the fat is not on you; it’s on his brain. You might feel over weight (we all do!) But it’s not for him to tell you that; or suggest it’s any reason for unemployment! More than 40% of UK women are a size 16 and above: and it doesn’t stop them getting work or being in loving supporting relationships!

Your Marriage: When the above two problems are addressed; you might find there’s still hope for the marriage.

Of course you don’t initiate things in the bedroom. You go to the bedroom feeling disliked, fat, unattractive and depressed. Hardly a recipe for a woman to feel sexy and confident; let alone want to rip her clothes off - for fear of humiliation.

Now this new guy. He respects you and appreciates you. The fact that he likes your body makes you feel more confident; so I can understand you looking elsewhere for love and happiness; because it’s obviously not at home. But I think he’s just a Band-Aid to stick over the wounds of a bad marriage.

If your husband adores your son; then he should make better effort to take care of your well-being also; because an unwell (depressed) mother; is not beneficial to the well-being of a child.

Your relationship has obviously been a roller-coaster ride from the start. Simply put: You both sound addicted to dysfunction. It’s what you know, it’s maybe even a comfort factor. But it’s not a ‘well’ space for you; and you need to decide if you’re going to attempt to change it; (for yourself, your son and your health) or get out of it and start over. (But if you chose that route; don’t be jumping straight into another relationship)

You’ve obviously got to a point in life when you want better for yourself. Your self-esteem is growing with this other man; and in some ways I think he will at least open your eyes to exactly how controlling your husband really is. If new mans presence serves nothing more than to make you realise you are valued: then his reason in your life has some benefit. Maybe even your husband would stop taking you for granted. (I’m not suggesting you have an affair to make him jealous)
I’m suggesting that when you take control of YOUR life; and think about what you want for your life; you will be in a stronger position to make changes for the better.

You don’t need another man to work on your low self-esteem. Control man only has power whilst he has someone happy to play ‘victim’. Once that stops; he’ll have to change his attitude.

If you’ve already decided that there’s no hope. (Indeed you’ve said you have nothing in common) then it’s also OK for you to recognise that it’s over. You can co-parent; and your son does not need to lose his father. If you’ve just spent the past fifteen years hoping that things will improve, they won’t until you MAKE it improve.

Reaching out here is a good start. I’d set about telling your husband how you feel, how you’re not going to put up with his emotional bullying, and ask if he would consider counselling. You can’t do it alone though. It takes two to make a marriage work.

Good luck if that's what you decide. (Even if it fails then at least you've tried; and it would be quite pointless to stay in the same miserable situation)

Then of course; there'd be Wikivorce to show you the ropes!

Sera
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Gee..Thanks for that. I have known this for years but just keep getting up each day thinking well it could be worse, he could drink, have affairs etc and think I should be grateful.

This new man has given me back some of the old me, which my mother said she has had to sit back and watch drain away over the years. I know I am partly to blame myself for continuing to let it happen which also puts me off wanting to separate. What I have realised it that I cannot look back in ten years time and see all the things I wanted to do but havnt because I should be grateful for what I have now. But I know if I speak to my husband and say I want to end it all (which I did 7 years ago before we married) he will try and talk me around and I dont know if his hurt is too much to bear.

..."talking you round" (to coming back) is a typical example of CONTROL-FREAK MANS' methods.

This identified as the 'Push / Pull' effect.

(He pushes you away with his nastiness, and pulls you back when you've left). Underneath all this; is an insecure man who operates the way he does because of his fear of losing you.

Your mum's obvously a far better judge of character than anyone else (especially me - who made my post to a complete stranger!) But the fact that she sees you coming back to who you once were suggests just how low you've been in your marriage; and just how much you got swallowed up in all that negativity.

The new man could be anybody (to sound off on!) What's happening here is YOUR growth; and recognisiton of deserving better for your life. I'll assume you're 36? (from your user name) and I know when I was approaching forty (sorry but it happens!) that I started to look at my life and ask "is that it"!? You've a right to be happy.

Welcome to a new you!
Enjoy!

Sera
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