parenting my parents

Hi, I am new to this so a bit apprehensive, but needing advice on where to go from here.

Basically, my Dad had an affair last January (07) and finally left my Mum in June for the other woman. My brother, sister and I were shocked and very hurt both on behalf of my Mum, who was devastated, and us - our family was destroyed. I spent a lot of time ringing him at his new house (with the other woman) to tell him what I thought of him. I am 'grown up' with 2 kids of my own, and not living at home, so was unaware how unhappy and depressed he had become. There were obviously big problems in the marriage.

Because the other woman was a 'family friend' we were mad and refused to see him with her, even though he was very keen for us to accept his new life as quickly as possible.

6 months ago, he left the other woman as he said he was finding it difficult with our (my bro, sis and mine) reactions and refusals to accept his new woman. He went back to Mum for a short while and then left to go back to the other woman again.

Now he has left the other woman again. He has now moved into our house, and I am counseling him through his very confusing feelings. I know that this is not a role I should be playing, but he has no-one else, he lost all his friends through his treatment of my mum. He now says that he has a lot of anger towards us as when he left my Mum for a second time as we refused to talk to him for weeks, and ongoing with my siblings.

Through all of this I have initially had my Mum to live with us at the very beginning, where she was an emotional wreck and the doctor advised us to keep all medication watched closely. She has finally sorted herself out, though when he came back and then left again, she was in a terrible state.

Both of my parents have told me things I should not have had to listen to, and used me as counsellor. As I am grown up, I guess they think that it won't affect me as much, though I don't know what they would have been like if they had divorced when we were kids! I have two young kids, but I feel that this is taking over my life. It has been well over a year now. My whole family has been torn apart, my siblings refuse to talk to my Dad, both Mum and Dad are lonely. We used to be a really close family.

I feel like running away and never coming back, but I can't just ignore everyone as I worry about them too much. Anyone else had experiences like this? Any advice very welcome.

Hi Sotired
Welcome to Wiki,
You are right, you should not be in the middle counselling your parents, being there for them is somewhat a different matter. Your Father is now trying to defend his actions by blaming you for not being happy with his affair and constant in and out of your mother's life. You do not have to bear this blame, so remove that on from your shoulders straight away. He is an adult and made the choice to do what he did. Your mother should also not take the blame for what happened.
So it all went wrong for him, no-one would speak to him and he has lost his friends, that again is his fault, not yours.
Obviously they are your parents, but they should be looking towards professional counselling, your mother for her depression and having to cope with your father coming in and out of her life, not knowing where she is, and your father for taking responsibility for his actions.
Perhaps you can suggest to them both that they take this course of action and try and sort it out, like adults, together and leave you out of the equasion.
Hope it all works out
zara

Agreed with Zara; they now need professional help. You've posted as 'sotired' and you must be bloody exhausted! Professionals' do not get emotionally involved; and do not work 24/7. Indeed sessions are not usually longer than one hour; because it's too exhausting (for both sides).

You've done a brilliant job in supporting them. Your dads new relationship had little chance of surviving. He was not in a well space; (and had not emotionally ended ties with your mum)the fact that he blames you for its failure really angers me!!!

That is controlling behaviour; and he is blaming someone else rather than take responsibility that he can't make his mind up; and that he can't really be there for either woman. You do not have to accept her. The most she could ever be to you is 'your dads partner' (that's if he did go back)and that would take time and acceptence - at your pace.

My dad left my mum when I was five. He married a Japanese woman and lived in the USA. I was forty before I was ready to meet her. I didn't tell my mum, for fear of hurting her. Even after all those years; there was too much anger (and I loved my mum too much) to have anything to do with his second wife. He left her also; she fared no better.

You have supported them through the worst crisis point (the first year) you have children of your own to be strong for; and your parents situation is becomming a burdon.

Just explain that you don't love either of them any less; but that you can't be expected to be used as a go-between any more.