Where to start?

Hi,

My husband has just told me that he wants to split up.

It's been bubbling for a while. He had an affair about 20-24 months ago, and told me about it and ended it 20 months ago. I'd always thought that an affair would end it, but when faced with it, I thought that what we had was too special and to try to work through it, so we did.

It was a difficult rollercoaster, and I had to be so strong, but we seemed to be making it through.

We'd been talking about families again, and looked at moving house.

He then had a major 'wobble' about house moving. Saying that he was worried about what it meant, that he'd then be more committed (what than marriage?!), that it meant there'd be kids etc and he didn't want to hurt me.

Perhaps I should have heard more alarm bells ringing, but I didn't...

Anyway, we worked through that, or so I thought, and moved house ONLY 2 WEEKS AGO!

Up until about 3-4 weeks ago we hadn't exchanged and that would have been a much better time to suggest a split! But no...

So, we are now in a house that we'd supposedly bought to have a family in... 4 bed detached. Neither of us can afford the mortgage, let alone all the bills on our own, and I'm scared of what this means...

I'm 34, he's 32. We've been married for 7 years, together for 9.5. The house we just bought for £315K, I earn £24K with £6-8K on top commission. He earns about £50K. All savings were used up to buy the house, and all debt has been paid off with the sale of our last house.

In the past 2-3 years to help support our marriage I've closed my own business that I'd built up from scratch as it was affecting us (I had to work away a bit) and lost 5 stones in weight (although some of that has crept back on.)

I don't know what else I could have done. I guess I'm in denial.

I feel like my sun has gone out.

I don't know what to do or where to go.
I'm still in shock.
I'm devastated.
I don't feel that I'm ever going to be able to have kids now, which has been my dream.
I'm sure this is all 'normal' but I'd appreciate any help, advice, support that you can offer me.

Many thanks,

Puffas

Hello Puffas

Welcome to wiki. Yes you are right it is normal. Wot is also true is that u are going to be okay. I cannot offer sound advice as I am going thro early stages myself. U will find lots of help on wiki. They have carried me through every step of the way. The first thing I can tell you is that you need legal advice. Most solicitors offer free 1/2 hour advice. Or there is a telephone number for one at the top right hand of this page.


Take a gud look round the forum too, maybe come into chat too - we are a great bunch.

Good luck, stay strong.

Puffas wrote:

I don't feel that I'm ever going to be able to have kids now, which has been my dream.

Hello Puffas, Welcome to Wiki!

Yes, your emotions are all normal, many of us share them, and we're at different levels of recovery and survival.

First things first. The emotional devastation of Divorce. You will naturally go through all the levels as if Bereavement> Loss, grief, denial, anger, etc before you find acceptance and start to recover.

Second thing: A house, or indeed a Baby; was never going to heal a bad situation. These are merely 'sticking plasters' to cover a gaping wound.

Often, in making Life changing desicions, it brings things to a head; and this is what has happened in your situation. At 32, and 34 with a big expensive house (in excess of your Needs) a financial solution would be to just sell-up and share the equity. There are no children to consider, so this sounds fairly straight forward. (Although agreed you have wasted money on agents fees, conveyencing etc; and may even lose money if the market drops further). But neither can afford the mortgage, so unless you rent out rooms (lodgers, students) what choice do you have....and if you had started a family; what then? How would you have paid then?

Now at 34, you need to stop panicking on the baby front. It sounds as though you are more desperate to reproduce, than the considerations of reproducing with a man who has cheated on you, and may abandon you and any offspring; leaving you in a far more dire situation than you're already in.
An emotional wreck of a mother; is not the best start to any childs life.

Lots of my friends had perfectly healthy babies in their forties. Thirty-four is young. You can have a clean-break divorce, and move on with a new partner; and still fulfill your dream.

Here at Wiki you will find a lot of support and financial help.

Good luck,
Sera
x

Puffas

What timing! You must be feeling shell-shocked. You will find a lot of useful advice and support here, from people who have been where you are now and know how it feels.

It's definitely an emotional rollercoaster but you are not on your own,

keep posting,

finding

Hello Puffas

Well, you’ve come to the right place! I feel so lucky to have found wiki – it is a wonderful source of support & advice & helps me enormously.

I am not really in a position to offer any amazing advice, but what I would suggest is that you do nothing in a hurry. Everything is very raw for you at the moment & you naturally feel overwhelmed by the situation you find yourself in. Understandably, you are concerned about your future &, right now, it seems impossible for you to imagine how things can ever be sorted out. Take time to breathe & take things slowly, one step at a time. Deal with the immediate concerns & try not to think too far ahead. As I am learning, things do begin to settle in time, &, impossible as it may seem at the moment, there will come a time when you will start to feel better.

Wishing you well

iwillbeok

Thanks...

I should have said that we can pay the mortgage comfortably together, but neither one of us could pay it on our own... and we'd budgeted to put money aside to cover my salary if I took a year off...

(One of) the annoying things is that I could have happily paid the mortgage and bills in the last house on my own.
grrr.

Anyway...

Thanks for all the comments so far.

Hallo and welcome!

You sound as though you are still in shock and denial - which is normal. These feelings will pass and then reappear again. This is normal. You will feel upset and angry. This is normal. It is terribly painful, but it is normal. Don't fight it, just go with where you are right now.

OK. Stop panicking about having children. I had my kids when I was nearly 36 and nearly 38 and I know many people in my family who were having children into their 40s. There is no rush. Children are a lifetime commitment - at least as far as mums are concerned.

My two are now 16 and 14 and my husband has left me to live with someone else. I am very angry about all this, but glad that he managed to be with them when they were tiny. The eldest one thinks is father is a "prat". I agree, but its very painful to hear this about someone I chose to have children with.

I think it would be sensible for you and your husband to sell your house - I know you've just moved in, but as neither of you can afford it on your own (and I can't see that you'd want to live somewhere where you've mainly felt pain). You can then find somewhere you can afford and rebuild your life.

I'm enjoying only having myself (and children) to consider. They are more independent and have their own social life etc. I may feel very lonely when they leave home - and I feel lonely now, sometimes. But its better than feeling lonely and unloved within a marriage, and there are many times, the majority of times when I enjoy feeling liberated and have peace and solitude.
I cope when I feel bad with either having a good cry or putting on some boppy music and dancing, or phoning a friend for a chat.

Right now you are feeling your world has collapsed, but you have within you the strength to rebuild. I am at the point of wondering if the prat who left me was always a prat - I don't think so - and whether our marriage was what I thought it was.