Miss my wife dearly

Me and my wife have been married for 3 yrs. we have a 4yr old and a soon to be 2yr old. We have had our share of fights in the past but we always got over them. My wife took a new job in a town 1 hr away about 2 yrs ago. Back in may i found out that my wife was sending back and forth emails to another guy teacher flirty ones and i got very upset and was screaming and yelling at her about it and she said it was just a friend ly emailing. She said she waited some space to see what she wanted. I was staying at a friends house for a week and then got the cell phone bill and found out she was talking to him for hours at a time on the drive back home from work. He is married as well. I was very upset and talked to her about it and she tells me he is just someone to vent to and i have nothing to worry about. And she will stop talking to him. So we get back together and i am still very insacure about the whole deal with him. Well one day i caught her meeting him at a gas station just to talk and i freeked out and she pulled over and we talked and she said that she does not know why she did it and was crying and very sorry. I was willing to forgive her about it. So a week goes by and We go on a family trip to fla. and have a great time. When we get back home and i get the cell bill and she talked to him again for a hour. I got very upset and she left the house with the kids to her parents. I was very hurt and she said just give me some space. so i did and she came home. One night we were drinking and got into an argument and i punched a picture on the wall and she called the police and i was arrested for DV. So now a month has gone by and she is living with her parents again and told me she wanted space and i was not able to give it to her and she now told me she has filed for devorce. i dont want that at all i miss her so much it hurts me and i can not get over it. i dont know if i should just go ahead with it or try and save everything. Her mom tells me this is the last thing that she wants but she allready filed? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO UHHGG. Some advice would be great. Thanks and sorry so long/

Hi and Welcome to Wiki!

This is a UK based site; and we're working to English and Scottish Law mostly. (I'm assuming you're across the pond!?) However; one thing's the same: the emotional feelings we share; regardless of where we live.

There's lots of advice from similar depressed, stressed and sad people currently experiencing this nasty process; and supporting each other through both the legal aspect; emotional pain, and into recovery, so you've found a good site.

It takes two to have a marriage; and it doesn't sound like your wife wants one. You're in the shock and denial stage; so now you will need to stay strong for your children, and start to work on a life (possibly) without her.

Read through some of the threads here; you'll at least be comforted that you're not alone.

Dear Tasmanohio,
Welcome to Wikki, a great site for finding support & advice on divorce or seperation. I'm sorry you're going through all of this, Seras advice is good, you need to read other threads in here to realise you're not alone, and maybe to realise you're possibly wasting your time trying to save your marriage?
Its true, you need to stay strong for the kids sake, but unless your wife will go to counselling I dont see much hope of a reconcilation, not yet anyway.
We are all here for you, keep posting & good luck,
Cindy

My wife had an affair, couldn't let go. We moved and she had another. Now its separation then divorce. We have a 3 year old and older kids so the only reason we still talk is to co-parent them (.ie. for now they have some semblance of normality).

Just a thought - post natal depression? i don't know how common it is for mums with children in the terrible twos to seek the escape of an affair.

Second thought - cosmopolitan and desperate housewives didn't help. Affairs have become a "fashion accessory" for some women. Ridiculous as I now see the life we've built together go up in smoke (and with that the happiness of my children) over what my ex-wife would see as her legitimate need to find her "independence" (ie. refind her youth)! We've been together for almost twenty years -yet it only happened late on.

Oh well - it took me at least six months to get over the shock and I'm sympathetic with the anger/frustration etc. Best things are to look after/protect the children where possible and to start dating. No point moping after someone who has left. Try and untangle your feelings for your children from those for your wife - it makes it much easier to think about what is going to work on child access etc.

Write down what you think/would like to tell her. Stick it in a drawer and read it a couple of days later. you may need to do this quite a few times to get the anger out -its only when you get over that that you have a hope of forming new relationships.

Hi Tas,

I feel for you in your current situation, having been there myself a few months back. It is one of the hardest things, trying to save a relationship when the other person is not being honest about not really wanting to try. To find she has not broken contact after all, when you thought you had been happy on your family holiday together is devastating and confusing; I found I lost confidence in my ability to read the situation and trust my feelings once this had happened a few times.

Unfortunately what happens next is not going to be under your control, and whilst it is unbearably painful maybe the best approach is to back off and give her some time. And no, that isn't what I did, but it is what I'd do differently if I had my chance again. If she has reached a decision, there is nothing you can do to change it; if she hasn't, space to calm yourself down will make you better able to hear what she has to say. It is so easy to hear only what you want to hear when you're desperate.

I think you can only focus on yourself and the wellbeing of the children for the moment. Use all the support you can get. Really wished I 'd found wiki for this bit!

Good luck

finding

Good advice given here. One thing is to stay calm. What will happen will happen regardless of the time, effort and worry you put into it. Keep posting as people here have ALL had the experiences you have had and can help you pull through this.