who knew it would be this stressful....

I've been married for just over 12 years and currently divorcing my husband. I think I'm up to the bit where he's seen the divorce petition and has sent it to his solicitors. I'm divorcing him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour

I have 2 children aged 11 and 8. Who are my world and are keeping me almost sane (back to school next week )

I work part time in a school (catering assistant)not many hours and can't stand the job or the woman I work with.

I'm just totally confused at the moment. We were going to mediation to sort out the finances/house. When the divorce started off all I heard was "it's my house your not getting anything" Then we sort of agreed in a lump sum and a 15% interest in the house.

So then I talk to my mother about it all.. and she is up in arms saying how dare he. He gets to keep the house and I will be moving out into private rented accommodation, having to use most of the lump sum to set myself up again. She says he's not thinking of the children and has sent me emails with links to websites saying that the wife should keep the house... as the "needs" of the children are most important. So now I'm totally confused am I selling myself short?

Anyway I'm glad I found this website I've been feeling like I'm close to a nervous breakdown. I'm not alone

Hi Jofluffy
Welcome to wiki, it is a fantastic site, not only for your legal worries, but emotional too. We have all been in the same position at some point, indeed so many still are and struggling with the day to day tasks in life.
DO NOT sign anything at the moment. You have more rights than you think you have. I cannot advise you legally, but there are many on here that will be able to put in more detail the level of split you will be entitled to.
If you could post
wages of you both
pensions
house value
yours and his ages
then there will be someone who can work this out for you.
For the moment do not sign anything or move anywhere.
good luck
zara

Jo.Fluffy wrote:

am I selling myself short?

It certainly sounds like it.

After a twelve year marriage; any property is marital property; it IS NOT HIS!!! (And he has no legal right to assume it is!)

You can register your matrimonial home Rihgts with the Land Registry web site. A court can split marital assets any which way it pleases; and will give priority to the needs of the chidlren; and the parent-with-care.

Unless it's a short term marriage: the starting point of fairness is 50%-50% Although in similar situations; (with the parent with care on a low income) often the balance will go 70%-30% in your favour. (My male friend also brought a house into his marriage; and had two girls, thier settlement went 80%-20% in HER favour; despite that she did not financially contribute).

As Zara says: if you post full details; Equity in the home, Pensions, incomes, Savings etc; you'll probably get someone to advise what you MIGHT expect. This can include spousal support and child maintenance.

Don't agree anything, until you are informed of your rights; and have addressed your future needs. Your ex could get a Mesher Order; which means he retains a stake in the home, but can't force a sale until the kids are older. Often, a wife takes a larger % of the house; in exchange for not taking Pensions.

Stay here. Get informed; and don't give in to his bullying and intimidation!

Jo.fluffy,
Welcome to Wikivorce, the emotional hair straightners for the most unruly mop.

First and foremost, DON'T PANIC.

It is horrible, it is nasty, it gets right under your skin, but you WILL survive this and it will all sort itself out in the end.

A common expression here is what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and believe me when I say you will come out of all of this mess a much stronger person than you ever believed you were.

Your Mum is quite correct largely (Aren't they always, dammit?) The housing needs of the dependant children should be considered paramount.

if this were to go to court, he would not have a toe to stand on, never mind a leg. Your mediator will tell you and him this too.

What we need to do is to get an idea of where you are financially, to give you an idea of what might be a reasonable starting point for you to negotiate from.

I am assuming that you will continue to be the primary carer for the children after the dust has settled.

What someone would need to know to give you an idea would be the following:

Your / his age
Your / his income (nett of tax, NI and pension)
Length of marriage (and any earlier cohabitation)
Value of house, no of bedrooms and outstanding mortgatge
Who is on the mortgage and deeds of the house?
Age and sex of dependant children (11 and 8)
Any other assets over £500
Any savings or investments
Any pensions (yours / his) and their Cash Equivalent Transfer Value
Any debts (personal or marital)
Any special needs in the family (Chronic illness, disability etc)

The next thing is your husband. He is obviously trying to minimise what he pays in a settlement. Wake up hubby. Can't do that. THe starting point for the division of assets in a marriage of 10 years or more is 50:50. Note: STARTING point. Then inequity of income, care of the children to 19 years (or longer if they go into higher education) all come into consideration. Typically with 2 dependant children and one still of primary age, you would be looking at 60% plus of the asset split, perhaps even more.

Then there is child maintenance. For two children he will have (legal oblgation - no if's, buts or maybes)) to pay 20% of his nett income after tax, ni and pension in child maintenance. Set in stone.

THen there are benefits to consider - working family tax credits, child benefit etc.

You have found the right place to get the help you need here.

Why not write a blog about how you got to where you are? It helps to get the emotions out and see it in black and white.

The chatroom is a good place to pop in and talk to others in similar situations and learn from their experience. It sometimes gets a buit silly in there, but it is just people like you who are letting off a bit of steam or letting down their hair.

You are most definitely NOT alone. Welcome

Mike