Me

I have been married for 24 years and husband has recently left me and is having an affair with someone at work 17 years his junior! This is the second time he has had an affair and I've had enough! I intend to divorce him, but would like advice on whether to go the route of the courts or use 'collaborative family law'. Any advice/experiences would be gratefully received.

Hi Athlete,

and welcome to Wiki.

My opinion on this is short and simple :

- if you can collaborate, collaborate
- if you can mediate, mediate
- if you can talk to each other, talk

In short : do try everything you can before going down the court route.
It is long, expensive and if solicitors are involved, they can actually aggravate what is already a difficult and potentially hostile situation.

Do read the posts on here concerning the 'court' divorce process - you will find that many people will agree with the advice above.

Good luck and tell us what you decide.

Red XX

Welcome to Wkik Athlete,

I can only repeat what redoctober said. Mine's going through the court bits, it is expensive and boy it seems to go on for ages, 18 months and still not there!!

I hope you manage to sort things soon.

Take care

Many thanks. In a lot of ways I would like to go the collaborative route, but it relies on him being 'honorable'. Should I discuss the two routes with him first, or just make a decision and tell him?

Hello Athlete and welcome to wikivorce.

Hope we don't have you running away in fright when we talk numbers

Court based divorce = inflammatory, expensive (To a Full Hearing might cost you around £15 - £40K EACH ) , messy, long term emotional damage and resentment because of 'enforced' settlement.

Collaborative settlement = Quicker, more satisfactory outcome as it is mutually negotiated, lot of lip biting and hurt in discussion phases, but far more likelihood of long term 'amicable' realationship between parties. Massively cheaper (A really amicable one can be done with lots of change from £1,000).

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see which is prefarable. But often one or other party is so utterly unreasonable that the court route is the only option open.

The size of the asset pot is often the deciding factor. If there are a lot of assets, the costs of the court action may represent a paltry proportion of what is being fought over (and in some cases I really mean battled ).

Read this thread on mediation through:

www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Forum/...rough-mediation.html

But welcome aboard and hopefully you will find all the answers to the zillions of questions in your head right now.

DO keep posting, and perhaps write a blog explaining how you got to where you are today. It is very catharctic and you can feel like you have left some of the emotional baggage aside.

The chat room is a good place to meet some others in similar circumstances and share views and ideas. It does get a little silly in there sometimes, but this is just people letting down their hair and enjoying a different life to their real one.

Best of luck in your decision

Mike

I'd say discuss them with him, that way he'll feel part of the process.

Athlete,

My suggestion would be to go to Relate with him - they are not just about getting couples back together, they are also excellent at helping a couple come to terms with the realities of separation and divorce once the decision has been made by one or other.

I think it would be helpful for your husband to hear from an independant 3rd party what the options and outcomes are likely to be.

If you tell him, there will be a natural suspicion that you are 'setting him up', or that you stand to benefit advantageously.

It is about making the best use of your asset pot - nice holiday for you and for him (separately of course!) or nice holiday for the soilcitors, judges, barristers and lackeys?

Mike