Sadly, my turn. What should I do first?

Hi all,

I've been reading your chats for days and found them really uplifting but at the same time hoped I'd not have to join. Well, my luck has run out. Here I am...

In a nutshell:
- 18 years of marriage (17 extremely happy)
- 3 children (1 a tiny baby)
- nice house (mortgage paid by me)
- new business (bought by me, stupidly in his name...)
- 2 expensive cars (bought by me, stupidly also in his name...!)
- his contribution to the family was in terms of love, care and some financial help. It was mutually agreed.

The catalyst to the, I feel now, unavoidable divorce is that I gave up work last year to look after our children and bought him a business for it to become our living.

As a result, he's turned into this horrible person I don't recognise and he has told me "I work, you do everything else". He's not prepared to help out with anything when he's off work, which is 3 days a week, 'cos "he's tired" and when I've asked for help such as, when baby needs attention and am in the middle of cooking/tending to the other 2 or with difficult DIY jobs, (some o/standing for 2yrs) his response is "when I feel like it", rather than when it needs doing. In short, he's turned into an absolute selfish egocentric maniac, which is shocking because prior to me giving up work, he used to be the most helpful husband ever. All our friends held us up as the relationship to emulate. Our relationship used to be about sharing all and making joint decisions. He's now dictating to me what my role in life should be.

The effect of divorce on our children is not sufficient deterrent for him and he will not budge in his new stance. He moved out a week ago and our lovely oldest child now knows there are problems. I drafted a schedule for the children to spend some time with him during his time off but he's not sticking to it and he doesn't want to look after baby much because is hard work.

The most urgent financial PROBLEMs now: (I think??)
- I am financial dependent on him because I don't work BUT I still pay the mortgage and half the bills plus daily expenses because they are in my name. It's quite a bit of money. WHAT CAN I DO WITH THESE BILLS + EXPENSES?
- I've some savings which I've been using to pay for above but of course, this is my small escape fund so a) DO I STOP PAYING? (but my credit file will suffer) and b) I want to protect my savings from becoming part of the joint asset pool. HOW DO I DO THIS? (SUPER URGENT I THINK?)
- I've always been the high earner (for some years, he didn't work) so my contribution has been roughly 90%, his 10% - WOULD THIS BE TAKING INTO CONSIDERATION WHEN DIVIDING ASSETS?

Help please. My legs feel like jelly and I keep feeling like I can't breathe. Every day that passes I am financially worse off and he can arrange stuff behind my back.

Thank you much. Despite all this horrible nightmare I am in, I look forward to becaming friends with many of you.

Best

Ah Tauro Hun,

Ist positive step is that you've come to the right place for advise, help and support.

Ok. Let's put aside the emotional aspect of your situation, and deal with the practicalities. At the moment you are like a soldier about to go into battle without a weapon. You lie awake all night worrying tossing and turning worrying about "what if's" and feeling powerless.

The first step is to empower yourself and your weapon of choice is knowledge, on WIKI home page top right there is a number to ring where you can arrange a 30 minute free consultation with a qualified solicitor. (I have an appointment booked for Monday, I rang Thursday, so they are pretty swift)

Make a list of everything in order of priority that you want to ask them. You will need to specify the length of the marriage, ages of the children, financial details etc .

As a mother of school age children the law is on your side regarding the family home and he will be obliged to care financially for the children.

I think ( but don't know for sure) that it is not important who's name anything is in. You will be able to produce evidence that you paid for many things. However, court decisions often go on the length of marriage, as time goes on it becomes a 50/50% split. I too have contributed far more financially to my marriage than my husband ever did. And, just like you the moment I stopped work he turned into a controlling, arrogant bully.

WIKI is a great place to be, and you will find a wonderful support system here, you are starting on a long rocky road but, we all understand here. When things get bad come and join us in chat.

Take care

XXX Fleur XXX

Hallo and welcome

I am not sure, but I think that your and your husband's assets are regarded as joint, regardless of whose name they are in or who paid for them.

The emotional aspects are ghastly, but not of any influence over financial carve-up.

Fleur has given a good overview of finance, so I would just say on the emotional side it is horrible and just like bereavement there is shock, disbelief, denial, grief, anger etc. My ex and I were headed towards separation for ages, agreed he would go after son's GCSEs were taken, but it was still a colossal shock for me, like having an arm cut off. I don't want him back, but I am in mourning for the man I fell in love with, who certainly isn't the selfish, mid-life crisis Mr Angry who left me.

I have support on here, with various friends and my Mum who is brilliant, but I am also going to a women's counsellor to talk about everything, not just the end of my marriage. I'm coping with two teenagers who don't want to communicate and learning to live as a single parent.

It's tough but we will both get through it.

hi tauro,
welcome to wiki even though sad to see you here.
do not despair.Protect your saving as much as you can .So first of all see about mortgage ask for a payment holiday or interest ony for 6 months or so.You should consult a solicitor as a matter of urgency and apply for Ancillary Relief ,maintenance pending suit,this will give you money to live till the settlement.As you cannot afford to pay legal bills ask solicitor to add ths to maintenance.
You will be entitled to more than 50% but you need to ensure that you have money for legal representative,as you are billed on a monthly basis.
Come ,rant and rave as much as you want here,one good advice had had do not use your solicitor as a councellor as they are very expensive .Do your home worlk before you go.Any thing ,any question ask here before you go to see solicitor.This place has saved me a fortune ,if in nothing else but surely in councelling.

You will be fine ,we are here for the dark days,but they do get brighter.
Come in chat it does help
take care

Hi Fleur, your line "like a soldier about to go into battle.." made smile because you are spot on! (unnervingly so?!) I am ready to fight but keep holding back because of the children and our families and I know things will get extremely nasty. I also don't want to be the first one to shout fire - some day in the future, I will be answerable to my children and of course, I have to live with myself. But really, heartfelt THANKS for your reply, it really helped in feeling that I'm not alone and eventually, there'll be calm after the storm. I'll make the appointment as per your suggestion. Best of luck to you too. Catch up some time.

Ann Onymous, thank you too for your advice, helpful. You too were very perceptive (we really are all not that different are we?), I go from feeling really strong and not caring (I think of a fun future one day) to feeling like am in a movie (it's playing just like one) and the worst, feeling distraught at the breakup of our family unit and the effect on our children. My baby won't ever know what is like to live a normal family life with his real father. As for the loss of my husband, that's when the tears really fall, and you described it perfectly, I too am mourning for the amazing man I loved and who loved me unconditionally for 17 years. I dream of him coming back but I know he's gone forever. The one I see is everything I despise and he too, used to despise in other men. Guess alien abductions are real. Very best of luck to you with your counselling, your children (teenagers, hard work!) and the future. I guess time will heal.

Marriaa, thanks so much for the practical advice. I am spending the day reading up on as much info as poss and soon as children go back to school, meetings and phone calls galore. Oh joy. Still, nice to know you guys are there for advice and to swap war stories with. Thank you. Take care yourself.