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This is my first message- Never thought I'd be on one of these sites- never thought I'd split up- been together 12 years married for 6, husband lost his mother 2 years ago, then turned 40, got a rubbish job he hates, and then decided that he didnt love me any more. In the last couple of months he has turned from the loveliest kindest most considerate man on earth to an utter sh**t. He is still living with he because he'cant find a suitable flat' even though he says theres no chance of us ever getting back together. He is also having a very open and hurtful affair which he says is only 'technically' infidelity as I know about it. Right now he is on holiday with her paid for out of our joint account which he says is OK, because he puts more money in therefore he should be allowed to take more out. This is not the man I was married to a couple of months ago- things have gone so fast, I am sure he is having some kind of mid life breakdown and am hoping that he will come through it and return to the loving wonderful husband he used to be- Am I deluding myself??

Hi Lucy
Hi and welcome to Wiki.

Sorry to hear your story, I think your last comment says it all. You are obviously having doubts about everything sorting itself out.

It sounds from his behaviour that he is trying to intimidate you into believing that what he is doing is OK.Still living together must be the hardest element at the moment in this. Blatantly parading his new 'lifestyle' in front of you. Mid life crisis, I do not think that is a good enough excuse for the way you are being treated.

His attitude and change of character towards you I would say is primarily down to guilt, but, at the same time he continues to have this affair.

It all depends on what you are prepared to settle for, staying at home and accepting that he is going to treat you like this, whilst having an affair, or you making the decision to do something about it.

Is there any chance that he might go to relate and discuss this with you, and try and get things back on tract, or has he reached the point of deafness to it all?

I am sure that you will get some great advice on this site, so keep posting, it is good place to write worries and fears.

Keep strong, and most important, decide what you want to do.

take care
zara

Hi Lucy,

and welcome to wiki.

From what you write you have seen a good relationship with a kind person turn into a nightmare.

Legal things first.
- If I were you, I would no longer put a penny into that joint account and open one in my name only. Pronto.
You will still have to declare that money should it come to divorce, but at least you will not be contributing to jollies that seem inconsiderate to say the least.
- Please disabuse your husband on the 'technical' infidelity : it is adultery, he has not only admitted it but seems to think this is his due.....
And you can divorce him for this, should things go that way.
Make it quite plain that you know what your rights are.

I do not know much about your circumstances apart from what your post reveals, but to me his behaviour is breathtakingly selfish WHATEVER causes it, be it mid-life crisis, unhappiness with his present circumstances or any other reason.
Having an affair is one thing, actually flaunting it - well, words fail me.

You seem at a loss, understandably so.
The only practical thing I can suggest is that you inform him ( not ask him ) that attending counselling ( relate or similar ) is the way forward and if he refuses to attend, you may want to draw your own coclusions.

I am sorry for your plight and wish you the best.

Wiki is the right place for you.

Red XX

Thanks- He refuses to go to coucelling because he says that councelling is for people who want to get back together and he doesnt so theres no point! But when you look at most other men who do this, they move out ASAP, he hasn;t and is taking his time to find the right place to live- I've offered him money to pay the deposit on a flat ive said get B&B Ive even said move in with the girlfriend but he says no-so what do I think!

Thanks- councelling is out- he says theres no point- the money thing worries me- I also ear half what he does and worry about paying the mortgage when he is gone- we dont have kids so he wont be made to pay maintenance- he also doesnt want a divorce and refuses to see a solicitor and when I did go and see one he said I was Bitter and Twisted and only interested in money

Lucy,

It is the old 'having your cake and eating it' isn't it ?

Please, please, do not offer him money to go away - it may seem like a good idea at the moment as you want him out at any price, but it will send the wrong signals completely.

If he refuses counselling, that tells you more about how he perceives your relationship than anything else.

It seems cruel to say this, but you are still trying to hold onto a relationship that has already ceased to exist in his head.
Unfortunately it takes two to make a relationship work.
It will also take you a long while before you get used to this new situation that you never wanted and that has been forced on you.

Be kind to yourself.
Don't do anything rash.
Inform yourself here.
And talk to us.

Red XX

Lucy
On this site, he is commonly known as a 'bully'.
Dont be intimidated by him, please. As Red says do not offer him any money, or sign anything he might put in front of you. Open that account tomorrow, it is very important that you do that.
Try and keep safe any paperwork, mortgage bills, credit cards etc you might have, as this might prove useful at a later date. Sounds silly now, but I wish I had done that.

Keep posting and watching the posts, you will pull together some valuable information. I think eventually you will have to see a solicitor. He NEEDS to have it pointed out to him that his behaviour is unreasonable.

Please stay on Wiki and keep posting.
take care
Zara