living with a bully

Hi, I found this site while looking for info about what i can expect if separating from my husband. I am 50yrs old, but feel 100. We have been married 30 years and I have decided that I can no longer live the way he wants me to. Things are ok if I 'behave myself', ie: keep quiet, dont complain and dont rock his boat. If I dont, he totally ignores me for weeks until I give in and go along with what he wants. He's a bully. Likes things his way. He works full time, all money is HIS, all accounts are HIS, and my life is HIS. He earns in excess of £500 per week, I am allowed £70 for housekeeping and £10 for petrol. We never go out together, and on the cash I have, there are very few pennies left for me to join groups or have any leisure activities for myself. He is in bed by 9.45 every evening which means, not only are my days spent on my own, but my nights are too. I feel I am not prepared to spend what life I have left sitting at home alone. I need to know what my options are, which is why I am sitting here quietly exploring this site and finding a wealth of information.

HI Bluebird

Welcome to wiki - we met briefly in the chatroom earlier.

From what you have writen, not only is he a bully, but a control freak too. You are worth more, deserve a happy life,not live as you are doing just now.

Im in Scotland, and our laws differ from those in England and Wales, so will leave it to those who know about such matters to advise you on your legal options.

You have found an inner-strength in realising that this is not the way you want to live, the resolve you have shown in your post indicates that this is not something you are thinking about as a whim, but a lot of soul-searching and deep thinking. I wont kid you that separation and divorce (if that is what you are thinking about) are easy, far from it, but is sometimes the only way to set yourself free.

Pop back into the cahtroom when you feel ready, you will be made very welcome.

take care

ruby x

blubird,

welcome to wiki. Definitely time for you to fly to freedom from this lonely and controlled life I would say .
After 30 years you would be looking at a 50:50 split of the finances - house equity, pensions etc ... and maybe more to you depending on earning capacity etc.
He will need to learn that this is not up to HIM, it is the way the LAW works .
If you are going to separate, it is probably a good idea to take time to plan your moves carefully ... and one of them wd need to be registering your interest in the property.
Do ask lots of questions .. here on the forum, in chat or via PM. You will get lots of support and help here whatever you decide to do.

Hadenoughnow

Hi Ruby,
Thanks for your message. Helps me feel not so alone here. I'm in Scotland too, and I know our laws differ from English law, which is what I'm checking up on thru the web. I'm just at the end of my tether with 'he who must be obeyed' and feel we have come to the end of the line. I dont feel angry anymore, in fact, I dont really seem to be feeling anything. Apart from the quivvering inside my gut! I'm taking my time here to make sure this is the right way forward for me. I feel that without him, I'd at least have a chance of a life for myself. I know it will be hard, but I cant say I'd be any more lonely than I am now. We own a nice house in the country, so I know even with a 50-50 split I could start over again. I also know that if I ask for any financial support from him - the soft, smelly stuff will hit the proverbial fan! Parting with any HIS money is not in his nature! You know, even if I am short of cash and lift a tenner from his bank - I gotta call him and let him know so that he can update his accounts? Just totally fed up living this way. There is no 'us, we or ours' just his, his and his. Me, myself and I come to mind! Sorry for ranting, but your the closest thing I've got to a friend lol.
Thanks.

Bluebird, you sound like you have departed the bully zone already, I found that letting the bully think they have won works well. It took me years to get over this .I went out to work to be £5 better off and out of the house away from him. It worked , stacking shelves in sainsburys looking for numbers tool my mind of losing my mind,

Bluebird are you able to work ? I would get a job that gets you out the house.

Hello Blubird
I lived with the same kind of bloke for 18 long miserable years. In the end I could take no more as he had resorted to violence. I was on phone asking for help from women's refuge. I didnt know what to do but i had to leave.

But 10 months down the line I am here. God only knows how, but I did. Im a fighter thats why.

Blubird so are you hun. Your not a quitter. You are going to be absolutely fine.
Can I suggest you ring the number for a solicitor on the top right of this page for free legal advice.

Please come into chat, there is always someone there to offer love and support.

Lilly xxx